Two Boys!!!!

We had our 19 week ultra sound and I found out that my house will now be filled with sports. I will officially be out-numbered. Couldn't be happier!!!

Donor Eggs Rule!!!!

I am over the moon with excitement!!!! My blogging friend and fellow egg donor recipient Tippy (Kathleen) just got her BFP and she deserves it so much!!! She has supported me through my ups and downs and is an amazing woman! I have been waiting and watching all week and her dreams have finally come true. Thank god because I would have been very angry at the world if it didn't work out for her. Actually she might have a baseball team of children one day because she still has 6 frosties waiting for her. How life can change in only a few minutes!!! I know it is cliche but seriously you have to hold onto hope and pursue every option open to you. No it isn't easy, it definitely doesn't happen the way you dream, but it can happen and it might be happening to Tippy and I. I say might because I am still damaged from my years in the trenches and until I am holding my babies I won't be overly confident. My point is we are no longer hopeless.
I know this is a terrible thing to read for anyone still in the trenches but in my opinion Tippy and I were hopeles less than a year ago (Sorry Tippy but seriously we were in a sad state). We are both mature (Again Tippy not the nicest thing to say but hey, you are younger than me) and have useless eggs. Look at us now, we are both knocked up and hopeful that one day we will bring home a baby or two (or 7 in Tippy's case). I know I could be cursing myself but I am just so happy to have any hope.
Anyways, a big congrats to Tippy and I hope our babies might meet one day. I would love for you to go and congratulate Tippy yourselves but I am pretty sure she went private. Although you could give it a try at tippyandtidy.blogspot.com

Shocking and Sad News

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out thinking of the pain one of my fellow blogger friends is going through. She has lost her beautiful twins at 20 weeks gestation. It just isn't fair. She has been so supportive to me in all of the ups and downs of my IVF journey and she deserves all the love and support we can give her. It is so unfair that we jump through all of the hoops of IVF and infertility and finally get pregnant and then we still have to face these heartbreaking loses. Please, please lend her some support at alissa-schillinger.blogspot.com

Eating my words and everything else in sight

Well my last post seems a little ironic because I am definitely showing now. I have the bump that I have always dreamed of and it still seems surreal. I am also happy to report that my morning/afternoon/evening sickness has disappeared. It was rough for a couple of weeks but I have lived to tell. At my lowest point I peed my pants because of the intensity of my vomiting one morning. The only thing I can even remotely complain about is the fact that I am still spotting once in a very blue moon. It is really light and very sporadic but it does happen and it scares me. I think I am just going to be one of those people that doesn't believe the pregnancy is actually happening until I am holding my babies.

Why don't I look pregnant?

So I am officially 10 weeks pregnant on Wednesday and I don't even have the slightest baby bump. It worries me because if I am carrying twins you would think I would see something. I haven't had an ultrasound in 3 weeks so I am a bit worried. I guess that is just the way it is going to be all along. I will not be able to "relax" until I am holding the babies. I actually feel like I have lost some weight, if that is possible. I have been having a hard time eating (lots of vomiting) and although I feel hungry I can only seem to eat ittle amounts at a time. I have been making sure that I get some healthy food every day (mostly fruits and veggies), even though it is not a huge amount.
Just wondering if any of you have experienced the same thing. When did you ladies start showing?

Two Heart Beats!!!!

I am so overwhelmed because yesterday was literally the best day of my life. I went for my ultrasound and I was so scared I couldn't talk or focus on anything. It felt like an enternity before we got in to see the ultrasound tech and I had to remind myself to breath. I tried to "relax" during the external ultra sound and to fill myself with positive thoughts. That lasted about 2 minutes before I started to panic. It felt like the tech wasn't able to find my embabies so I freaked out a bit. I told her how nervous I was and she could sense my panic. She told me that my bladder wasn't as full as she would have liked so it was just a bit harder to see. I explained that I had a bladder infection and filling it was kind of painful and hard to do. She was very understanding and told me she would tell me as soon as she saw anything. Thankfully, within seconds she found one and then another heartbeat. It was such a relief and I just started bawling uncontrollably. She was super sweet and even held my shaking legs. Then I snuck out to get hubby for the internal ultrasound and we got to see the heartbeats together. It was an incredible moment and even hubby had tears in his eyes. Baby A's heartbeat was 146 and Baby B's was 157. I have refrained from goggling heartbeats and choose to believe when the nurse told me that everything was perfect.
I can finally breath and I can't believe this is actually happening. It has been such a long road and it feels like my dreams of having a family might actually come true. I can't help but think that I wouldn't be here without my sister. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such an amazing sister but I am truly grateful!!

Bladder Infection...Yeast Infection....Oh my

So I am in fact infected. I have a bladder infection and what seems to be a yeast infection. It is painful and I am not sure why I am not on antibiotics. I went to a walk in clinic and the doctor scared the shit out of me. He said that it can impact my pregnancy but then just told me to follow up this weekend. Instead I have made a follow up appointment at my family doctor. I want to be treated especially if it can impact my pregnancy. Yep, here I am freaking out again. Why can't anything be easy!!!

Stinging and Burning

My uterus and cervix have this new continual stinging and burning sensation. It feels like a bladder infection and it is freaking me out. I am trying not to google it but it is a really weird sensation. I would guess it was some sort of STD or Urinary tract infection but the stinging isn't as localized. It is a really weird feeling and it makes me worried that I am going to miscarry. What the heck is going on? Should I go to the hospital?

Is this morning sickness?

I feel like absolute poop! I can't drag my butt out of bed, I am dizzy and I feel extremely run down. I literally can't function. I went to a beautiful wedding last night and all I could do was sit and watch the festivities. I barely danced and I didn't get to socialize like I usually do. It will be all worth it if it is for the health of my babies (please let that be why I feel this way) but I am still worried it means something is going wrong. Especially because I had a tiny bit of blood yesterday. Seriously I mean a tiny bit (like you have to strain your eyes to see it). It happened twice over the past 24 hours but non the less it makes me nervous. I am not doing the normal Dr. Google thing I am just taking it easy and keeping my legs crossed. My ultimate fear is that it will turn into a full fledged bleed and I will have to admit myself to the psychiatric area of our local hospital.
Sorry that I haven't commented on blogs lately, I am literally too tired. I am thinking of everyone and I appreciate all of the kind posts. I will catch up on everyone very soon!!

Looking Good!

So we had our ultra sound today and it was completely nerve wracking. I was literally shaking so hard on the table that the ultra sound tech had to hold my legs still. I was full of nervous energy and it was uncontrollable. It was literally the hottest day of the year today (it broke record highs) and I was shivering with my teeth chattering. The good news is that we were able to see two gestational sacs. I was super excited and some of the nerves went away. The nurse was also able to point out a yolk sac in Baby A but wasn't able to note Baby B's yet. She said she thought she saw it beginning to form but it wasn't clear enough to be sure. I am over the moon and hoping and praying that both embabies stay where they are and continue growing and thriving. They are both measuring at 5 weeks and I love them already. Please, please, please let this really be happening. Now I have to wait 2 more weeks (yes, another 2ww) for my 7 week ultra sound where we will (please god) see the heart beats! I want this so badly I can't think straight. I am literally not functioning, all I do is think, eat, and sleep baby thoughts.

To tell or not to tell

So, I am, as usual, struggling with this wait. I really can't complain because we are going for our ultrasound way sooner than anticipated but the wait is painful all the same. I have been feeling great, which makes me worried. I no longer have the headache that has been a constant since 5dp3dt. I no longer have an upset tummy and I certainly don't have sore tatas. Today I was busy cleaning the house (my cousin is coming to stay) and I didn't even need a nap after all of the scrubbing, mopping and vacuuming. I am not even peeing a lot! It makes me wonder what is going on inside of me. I know if I have the pleasure of morning sickness I will wish it all back but for now it would be comforting. Yesterday I poas and I freaked out! At first there was only one line and it was such a shock because even at 9dp3dt the two lines came up immediately. So I waited for 3 minutes and then I saw a very faint, and I mean faint, second line. This obviously still freaked me out but then I realized the faint line was the control line (I called the 1800 number to make sure). Actually hubby even peed on the stick to make sure the line that I had wasn't the control line (not a proud moment). So here I am waiting for an ultra sound and my body is giving me no indication that anything is going on inside of me. By the way a couple of days ago I had some very dark veins in my breasts and they seem to have disappeared. I hope I either imagined those lines or that it means nothing.
Anyways, on to my next, less neurotic, part of the post. I am just curious when people have told close friends and family they were pregnant. I know it is super early but I am very tempted to tell some very close people. I have told my sister (obviously because she is very invested) and my parents. I am just wondering when we tell people who are close to us but not immediate family. Hubby thinks Thursday would be appropriate, when we see the gestational sac (please god!!). I agree with him that I can't wait until we are 3 months (although that is what I know most people do) but is Thursday too early? Should we wait until we see a heart beat (please, please, let that happen)? Obviously I am not going to go announce it over facebook (now or ever) but what about our closest friends and extended family. Just curious when you girls told? My feeling is that if anything bad happens, it isn't going to make it any more or less difficult if we have told those closest to us. If anything it will make them understand what we are going through even more. They will literally have to visit me in the mental hospital if ANYTHING goes wrong, so why shouldn't I tell them. If it sounds like I am trying to convince you that now is as good as a time as any, it is because I am trying to convince myself it is okay to allow myself this pleasure. It will be the first time in my life I can say anything positive as far as our journey to conceive I just want to make the announcement too early.

Ultra Sound Scheduled

Just talked to my clinic and our first ultra sound is this week. Wow, that is super early!!! I go in on Thursday and I will only be 5w 1d, and I am worried we won't see anything. The nurse said it is the earliest that she does the ultra sounds but she knows I have been anxious and because my hcg is so high I am likely to see something. Obviously not a heart beat which will be the ultimate (please god let that happen) but maybe the sac. I am scared sh**less but I guess everyone is for their first ultra sound. It will make everything real because up until now I can't believe that this could be happening. One more time I am going to ask you to please pray for us!

Another High Beta!!!

My clinic just called and it was great news! My Beta today 14dp3dt is over 3,000. I know it is super high but I am not going to worry about it. The fact is, that I am pregnant. The nurse reassured me that it is okay and reminded me that although it is much higher than some people, because things double so quickly it isn't really that big. I am choosing to believe her and just going with it. I am as always "caustiously optomistic". The next step is the ultra sound and that is when I will actually believe I am truly pregnant. If I see a heart beat that day it will all be real. So now I am back to a 2ww. Who knew there was a 2ww after the 2ww!

Eagerly Awaiting Tomorrow!

Well I have actually managed to avoid Dr. Googling anything since Wednesday and I have to say I am feeling better about my really high Beta results. I really appreciated knowing that some other blogging friends have had high betas and that they ended up having healthy pregnancies. I would be really happy if my high beta just means multiples! I am going in tomorrow at 8am and the clinic will call back with my results by 2pm. I am praying for my beta to be at least 1800 so I know that everything is okay. I am so excited but still a bit nervous. I just want everything to be okay and for this to be actually happening. I want to be able to breath and to be able to say out loud "I am pregnant". No sweeter words will have ever be spoken!
As far as symptoms, I am no longer having an cramping. My upset stomach is gone, my boobs don't hurt and the only thing resembling a pregnancy symptom is I still have a headache. You know me I am worried when I have symptoms and equally as worried when I don't. My mind keeps telling me that I should still feel bloated and that if my hcg hormone is increasing I should have more symptoms but my heart says just believe you are pregnant and everything will be okay. I actually haven't even been peeing on a stick. I figure all I will be doing now is worrying over the line getting darker. My line from the beginning was super dark and I don't want to worry if it gets any lighter so I figured I just would refrain from POAS. Plus I figure with my level being so high on Wed it would register as pregnant regardless of what was going on inside of me.
Please wish me luck tomorrow and I will be channeling all of your positive thoughts. Thanks again for your support!

Trying to figure this out

I can't find anyone who has such a high beta! This can't be right. Could she have read it wrong and meant 100. My sister even called to follow up and they told her 1000. This is ridiculous. I don't want to be octomom! I also found some info saying that reasons someone could have super high HCG levels are because of Molar Pregnancy, ectopic pregnancies, and Downs Syndrome. Another thing for me to obsess about!!

Beta Confusion!

Well I have great news (I think). My beta level is 1000. I didn't know that was even possible? I am not sure if there is a difference in measurement (Maybe we do it differently in Canada) but I was expecting something around 100. I have been looking around to try to find what measurement the HCG hormone is usually measured in and to find out if different clinics do it differently. Has anyone had an HCG level of 1000 or around that at 11dp3dt? The nurse from my clinic said that it looked good but the true test would be to see if this increases to 1500 by Saturday (I found this surprising too because I thought it was supposed to double every day). Anyways, I am happy that it is positive and I am excited to see what happens Saturday. Actually my assigned IVF nurse was a bit bothered by me coming in early. She kept telling me that they usually don't give results this early because they want to be sure. This also seem different than in the United Sates because many of my blogging sisters have had tests done in this time frame.
Hurry up Saturday!

Thank you!

Thank you all for the support and kind words. I have now taken 4 pregnancy tests and they have all come up positive. I am trying to be cautiously optimistic but I really can't wipe the grin off of my face. This is the farthest we have ever come and now I know that I can actually get pregnant. This is huge!!! Hubby is a bit more reserved and is affraid to say that we are pregnant because he doesn't want to "count the chickens before they hatch". I feel like we have had such bad news for the last 3 years so when we get good news, let's celebrate!!! Yes there are a ton of milestones we have to reach but let's just relish in this success!!! This is my personality I am always 2 steps ahead of what the current situation and it has good and bad side effects. It did not help me during my 2ww because with every cramp I assumed I wasn't pregnant but it is good because I am always planning the next step to move forward.
So I guess I really never thought about life after the illusive 2 lines. I knew there would be a beta but I don't know anything about beta testing. I know that I want the numbers to double and I want a high number but what is a good number for
11dp3dt? I ended up going for an early beta and they are calling me this afternoon with my results.
By the way I am still having really bad cramping. Although they are easier to face now that I have had a BFP they still make me uneasy. I am still terrified that when I go to the bathroom I will see blood.
So yesterday I gave my sister my blog address. She has been curious and I figure she has been such an integral part of this process that it would be harmless. Now I am freaking out a bit. I am worried that I will have written something that is insulting or hurful, or that I won't come across as grateful enough. I have never given anyone (IRL) my blog information because I just don't want people to judge me. I think you need to be infertile to truly understand an infertility blog.
Another question for you ladies. Does anyone know when my first ultra sound might be?
Thanks again for the support!!

9dp3dt

I am scared shitless because I am cramping like crazy!!

Holy Sh@t!!!

I can't believe my eyes!!!! I just took a FR HPT and it has two lines. Is this possible!!! I think I am dreaming!!! I was taking it to prove to people that it was only a matter of time before I was going to get my period. I am so scared, I don't want to breath. I feel like such an asshole for all of my complaining this week!!! Okay, I have a million questions because lord knows I have never seen 2 lines and I am shaking. Is there any way that I took this test wrong? Seriously, am I reading it wrong, could it be a false positive??? I am 9dp3dt and I didn't have a trigger shot so I don't have to worry about it messing with the test. If this is a dream don't wake me up!!! By the way hubby is at work and doesn't get home for another half an hour. I told him about the test and he is in shock. He said he is going to buy an 8 pack on the way home because he needs to see it,and I don't blame him. I actually need someone to verify that because I don't believe what I am seeing. I think I might ask him to buy all different kinds because maybe this one is faulty.

Any moment!!

I know I am going to get my period at any moment. I am aching and my tummy is bloated and the pain from my ovaries has changed to an all over pain (back, uterus, and ovaries). I am miserable and totally emotional. I think I am going to give in and test tomorrow (if I don't start bleeding before that). I had decided not to look when I wipe (I know TMI) when I go to the bathroom because honestly I am a basketcase but that hasn't been working. I just went and noticed there was substantial CM. Now I am convinced I ovulated yesterday. Does that mean it will be another 2 weeks until I would get my period? That will be a total mind F*ck if that happens. Alternatively is that a sign that my period is coming/ I know my lining is thick because of all of the meds but I haven't seen much CM. As I have mentioned before I have been doing my progesterone suppositories rectally so I haven't had much discharge at all. So here I am stuck on the couch again with my legs crossed tight affraid to stand up and for the flow to begin.
Thanks for all of the support and comments. I really appreciate it, I think it is the only thing that makes me semi-sane.

Could I be Ovulating? or is it just my period?

Crazy question but could my ovaries be producing follicles right now? I feel like an idiot asking this because after all of these years dealing with infertility shouldn't I know this! My sister suggested that it might be the reason why I am having so much pain in my ovaries right now. It has never occured to me. Seriously, if the Lupron is wearing off, and the progesterone didn't stop my period last time, could I be getting ready to ovulate? Doesn't my uterus have to start shedding first before the follicles can start growing????? Please say it does!!!! Or maybe my ovaries hurt because my body is getting ready to start AF. Be honest, do you ladies get ovary pain right before your period? Is that possible? My only other theory is that because the lupron shot is wearing off I am feeling my ovaries more because they aren't being suppressed. Plus, maybe the Estrogen pills I have been taking are causing the pain, especially if I am pregnant (don't you produce more estrogen in pregancy?). I am probably wrong about the estrogen thing but I currently have 3 endometriomas (ovarian cysts) on each ovary so maybe the progesterone and estrogen that I am taking are aggrevating them. I know I am starting to grasp at straws here but a girls can dream right.Although this doesn't make sense because when I take my progesterone suppositories a "tiny" bit of the edge of the ovary pain is releaved. I feel like an idiot but I don't know if most women's ovaries hurt before their period? Because of my cysts my ovaries generally hurt all day everyday so I don't really know what normal people feel. On that note, maybe my sister is right and my headache is because of pregnancy hormones. Although it could also be because of AF hormones.
I can't bring myself to POAS tomorrow because I can't handle the heartbreak of a BFN. I am going to wait until Wednesday until the lupron shot is supposed to be out of my system. I literally shudder everytime I go to the bathroom. I feel like my period is here and am in shock everytime I wipe and don't see blood. I know people say that they have had AF symptoms and still had a BFP but this would be a miracle. I literally feel the exact same way I do 3 days before my period and guess what....the lupron is due to wear off in exactly 3 days. One more week of this and I am going to be in a mental institute.

Can ovaries explode?

Seriously, my ovaries are about to burst. They hurt so much I wouldn't be surprised if they caught on fire! I also have some very INTENSE cramping in my uterus today too. It bums me out because I thought we were finished will all of this cramping business. Yesterday afternoon and evening my tummy was cramp free and even my gas had subsided, I thought the relief might last at least a day or two. No such luck, I am cramping again with those AF type symptoms. My back is aching, my mouth is still so dry that it tastes like sawdust, and I have a serious Migrane. I checked the barometric pressure and the weather network and we have thunderstorms forecasted for tonight. Good god, I might die by then. I am captive in our bedroom with the lights off, and the airconditioning pumping. I have been drinking a ton of water and I feel like a fish. Although on a positive note the gas has gone and I haven't had "that kind" of visit to the bathroom since yesterday morning.
I have a confession, before the cramps kicked in and I checked the weather channel I thought my headache might be from pregnancy hormones....haha......I am such a glutten for punishment!!!

Driving Myself Crazy

So I have been telling myself that all of the AF symptoms I have been having mean that I am not going to get my BFP. But now that the signs are getting less and less I am sure that means that I will get a BFN too. It's funny because I hate everything my body is doing but I don't know what I want it to do. Yes it would be nice if I had sore boobs, was vomiting (and not from my ass) and dizzy but I am sure if I had those symptoms I wouldn't believe them either. I have decided (which I never thought I would come to this conclusion) that I will test on Monday morning. I just have to free myself from this torture. I don't have to worry about getting the HCG trigger out of my system because of the fact that I did an egg donor cycle. If it is positive I will know that it is accurate and I will probably drop dead from shock. I will be 9dp3dt so there is a chance I will get a false negative but at least I will have some kind of heads up.
By the way my gas is unbelievable. Everytime I think I am cramping I realize it is just a ripper building up in my tummy. Did anyone who got a BFP have gas so strong that it could knock a small animal over? It is constant and it is gurgling in my stomach at all times.
I am sure it comes to no surprise to anyone who follows me but I have been dr. googling again! I am obsessed with finding somebody....anybody who took Lupron (the 28 day shot) because I want to hear when they got their period, or their pregancy signs.

Begging for Sanity!

Still PMSing

So I am still cramping, especially in my ovaries (which seems odd because I didn't stim) but also in my uterus. My stomach is less upset (no more explosive diarrhea) although I am still having very regular visits to the bathroom (Sorry TMI). My mouth is still seriously dry and I am so bloated I can't even button my pants. I can't imagine that this can be pregnancy symptoms but I am trying to keep some tiny bit of hope in my heart. I also don't have an appetite at all (just like right before my period because I am too bloated to eat anything). I know that most pregant women can't stop eating in very early pregnancy. Plus my boobs don't hurt at all, no change in fullness, no twitching nipple, absolutlely nothing. Another thing that is worrying me is that I seem to have more energy today than I have had in a long time. Today is the first day that I woke up without struggle and had a bit of a bounce in my step. This seems weird because if my body is really working to create life wouldn't I be exhausted?
On a final note, I am terrified to go to the bathroom. I just know that when I look down I will see blood and my heart can't handle it. Rationally I know I can't have my period yet because I had my last lupron shot on June 16 (the dosage they give me lasts at least 28 days). This means it can't come until at least next Thursday but who knows. Remember, people told me last time that I couldn't get my period while on Progesterone suppositories and I started mine 6dp3dt. By the way don't you think it is ironic that my PMS symptoms started literally a week before I am supposed to get my period (according to my progesterone shot) and they are exactly the same as my regular PMS symptoms?
I know what anyone reading this is saying "Stop Analyzing Symptoms!" but that just isn't possible. Other people might have more will power than me but I am just weak!

Pissed! (This is a very angry post, avoid reading if possible)

You know what, I am pissed off. I feel like we have paid our dues ($27,975 in hard earned cash and more than that in tears), we've been patient (over 3 years of our lives), and maximized our chances (we have done 3 cycles in 12 months including an egg donor cycle). This is bull shit and I am fucking sick of this life. My life is completely consumed with trying to conceive and for what?? Nothing makes a flipping difference and we have had nothing but heart break. It is so unfair it makes me want to spit. Why the hell can't it be our time? Why not me?
I GIVE UP! Obviously I am not meant to conceive and I am sick of banging my head against the same freakin cement wall.
I know everyone wants me to be positive and hopeful but you know what, I don't want to. It isn't fair, enough is enough, and I can't hold it in any longer. IVF is bullshit. We spend all of this money thinking it will be the answer and you know what, the odds are stacked against us. It is like a lottery and I never buy the winning ticket. Then everyone tells me to hang in their because my number will be called. Guess what, it never is!!! Let's be honest and cut the crap. I have back cramps so strong they could cripple a child, my cramps are so painful I am keeled over, and I am literally vomiting out of my ass. This is not normal and can't be chalked up to "implantation" cramping. This is identical to the period I have every month as a sufferer of Stage 4 endometriosis. It is not the feeling of two time embryos implanting in my lining. My period is the one constant thing in my infertile life, and the only thing holding it off is my last lupron shot and the progesterone suppositories I am jamming up my ass.
I am sorry for the rant but it is what is in my heart right now and I had to get it out. I know everyone means well when they tell me to be hopeful and not to give up. I do appreciate that you all can stay optimistic because obviously I can't muster up those feelings. Thank you for your continuing support and I already feel a bit embarassed by this post.

Getting my period??

I am now terrified that my period is coming. I know people are going to say that it isn't possible on progesterone but I know it is (it happened IVF#1). People are going to say that the symptoms and pregancy are the same as getting your period (I have endo so I don't buy into that). This is the exact day in my first failed IVF cycle that I had my period symptoms and by day 6 (after the transfer) I had my full flow period. I know I have to be hopeful and ignore the dry mouth, sore back, explosive diarrhea, inability to funtction and get out of bed but it is difficult to ignore what happened last time. Especially because it is the exact same day that I felt the exact same symptoms as my previous IVF cycle.
I will do my best to keep my chin up and to move forward with "positive" thoughts. Please god let this just be a coincidence!

Houston We Have Cramping (I think)

Okay, I truly believe that you can make yourself feel anything! I feel like I have cramps but I am not entirely sure. Plus they are in the wrong place (in my lower to upper abdomen). Also I am having serious gas (sorry TMI) and I feel like that is probably part of the cramping. However, when I sneeze or toot I feel it in the uterus area (or close enough). A little disclaimer though I have been a total couch potato and I am literally morphing into the couch. I have been laid out on the couch since Saturday and I am wondering if I am just feeling my tummy because of my laziness (is that possible) because I haven't been using my ab muscles at all. I finally left the house tonight and the best way I can describe the way my uterus (I can't be sure it is my uterus but let's go there) is feeling is that it feels like I did a few too many sit ups and I am feeling a bit sore. I don't have the fluttering people talk about (unless you count gas) it is more of a constant dull ache. I have endometriosis so it is nothing compared to my period cramps. Now here comes the crazy part of the post, although I asked for the cramps I now want them to stop. First of all they aren't really the cramps I wanted and secondly now I am affraid they will get worse and will turn out to be my period. Finally, I have made another conclusion and that is that the cramps aren't implantation cramps they are just progesterone cramps (although I have been taking the suppositories for a week and this is my first day of cramping).
Any suggestions on how to get rid of this gas? Hubby says if I get off the couch I can walk the gas out. It make sense but I am in bit of a funck and can't seem to get myself motivated to leave the house.
Another day down only 10 days to go before my Beta!

Begging for a Sign!

I am obssesed with feeling some cramps. It can even be a mild cramp but it has to be in my uterus. Anything to indicate that something is going on in my uterus. Please, please, please let something happen!!! An hour ago I was over the moon because I felt a rumble in my tummy, unfortunately it turned out to be gas so the excitement was short lived. I think I am slowly going crazy!!!
Oh yeah, spotting would be a bonus!!!
PS I have a dirty little secret to admit. I bought into the pineapple core theory. Okay, realistically I know it doesn't make sense but hey if eating the core of a pineapple gives me even a 1% chance of implantation I will take it...haha

I need success stories!!!

I am looking for some cheering up and who better to ask then my trusty bloggy friends. I am looking for success stories of people who did 3dt but didn't have any embies make it to freeze. I know this is a long shot but I am hoping someone out there prevailed in this situation. Furthermore, I am secretly hoping the embies that were transferred where less than perfect (a girl can dream can't she).I have read about a ton of people who have gotten their BFP with Day 5 blasts and none to freeze but I have yet to come accross anyone in the same boat as me that got a BFP.

Discouraging news!

Our 4 embies that were in the lab are not doing well. Two have arrested and the others have not made it to the blast stage. The lab techs are going to give them until tomorrow to get to the blast stage but don't seem hopeful. This is so discouraging because if they couldn't make it to blast then I am assuming that my little embies inside of me are struggling too. I am bummed and feeling a bit hopeless. Trying to keep my head up but wondering what comes next!

One day down 13 to go!!

I need to step away from the computer I am obsessed. I have found some information that says that 9 cells are too many for day 3 and others that say they are absolutley fine. I am choosing to believe the positive comments and feeling good about my 2 embryos. I have found at least 4 people who have had a successful pregnancy from a 9 celled embryo so it reassures me. Other than that the other thing I am obsessing about was when the dr sai thdat he would let me put in the third, 4 cell embryo because I am not a good candidate for multiples. What the heck does that mean? I know I have to get past the comment and honestly we would be really happy with a singleton (I think that goes without saying) but I am interpreting it as meaning that he didn't think our embies were good. Other than that nagging thought I am in a good place and feeling positive. I am relaxed and laying low. I am excited and nervous to hear if our other embies make it to freeze. We find out Tuesday morning and the lab technition told us not to call before that because she would have no information for us.

An interesting and hopeful day.

Today we went to our fertility clinic wanting to discuss if we were going to go ahead with the 3 day transfer today or if we were able to wait and to do a 5 day transfer. Plus we wanted to make an informed decision on how many embryos to transfer. We arrived and my bladder was extremely full. Last time I went for my transfer it wasn't full so I made sure to wake up early and drink a load of water. When we got there I was ready to go. I have never ever had such a full bladder in my entire life. It would have been manageable if the ultra sound tech hadn't shown up an hour late. I literally had shooting pains down my back and I couldn't even sit down. I told the nurse the pain I was in and she didn't react (I am sure they hear that all of the time). Finally after I begged her to allow me to release a little bit of urine she relented (I guess because it had been an hour of waiting) and I headed to the bathroom. I only let myself pee a tiny bit and it obviously wasn't enough. By the time the ultra sound tech finally arrived I was back in a terrible state. They insisted that I have an external ultra sound to verify that it was indeed full before I realease any more urine and when they realized I was about to burst they allowed me to go back to the bathroom and fill a cup full. Oh sweet, sweet relief! I could finally lie down properly and relax to some extent. Although I do believe it put my body through unecessary traumaat wouldn impact the transfer. I didn't know that you could feel sick because you had to pee. So after I relieved myself we waited for someone to come and discuss if we were allowed to come back on Day 5. I seemed weird that they had me change into a hospital gown, have G change into his surgical outfit, and conduct an ultra sound before the decision had been made. It always seems like they are saying things to pacify us instead of working with us. Although nobody came to discuss the possiblility of a 5 day transfer like we had been promised, I am at peace with our 3 day transfer. Our embies had progressed some from yesterday but I guess they were not exactly what we had first anticipated. We had one embryo that was a 10 cell but was only rated a 3, we had one 9 cell that was rated 1.5, one 8 cell that was rated closer to a 2, one 6 cell that was rated a 1.5, a 5 cell that was rated a 2, and two 4 celled that were rated 2.5. We decided to transfer 3 embryos (wow, I never thought we would do that) because the dr said we were not likely candidates for a multiple pregnancy. I actually don't get why they don't think we could possible have a multiple pregnancy but I went along with it because I wanted to maximize my chances. We decided to transfer the 9 cell, the 8 cell, and one of the little 4 cells. They advised us against the 10 cell because they thought it was lacking somehow and they wouldn't advise us to put the 6 cell in with the others we chose (to reduce the chances of multiples)to throw one of the 4 celled embies in. It is very likely they will arrest by day 5 and won't make it to freezing so why not. The transfer was very painful,and I was sweating and dizzy during the entire process. This was very different from last time and the only thing I can attribute it to is the bladder debaucle. I thought I was going to faint for sure because the pain was ridiculous. I tried my best not to move to make sure that the doctor didn't cause any trauma to the endometrium because of my wiggling. He never told me to stop moving but I know I was rocking in the stirups. He did wait for a long time and told me that he was waiting for things to run clear before he moved out. He said he didn't want to drag anything out. What the heck does that mean? There is nothing I can do about all of this so I will let go of it and believe everything went fine.
Anyways, here we are starting our 2 ww and for the most part I feel great! I feel like there might have been some trauma but I have no pain now so I am going to believe the trauma was outside of my uterus. I am focusing on the positive and truly hoping this works. My sister has 3 beautiful children from the same eggs as I am using this information to make me hopeful that this will work.

More like 5

So they called today and said we had 7 and that we are having a 3 day transfer. I was suprised because I was told that as long as we had 5 we would be able to wait until Monday. I called and inquired and they made the decision because 2 look like they aren't going to make it. It is scary how the numbers are dwindling away. Now I am wondering if we will have any frosties after all. At this moment I can seriously understand why octomom put all of her embies in. I want to transfer all 7 of mine and I know that it isn't rational but I seriously wish I could. I know that it is dangerous and it is illogical it is just that I can't handle any more loss. Seriously, how do you go from 16 eggs to potentially 5 embryos, it is so scary!

Down to 7!

I don't think my heart can handle any more loss. I am celebrating that we have 7 because it is obviously the most we have had but I am still curious as to why we started out with 16 eggs and only have 7 embryos. Last time I only retrieved 2 eggs and we got 2 embryos so I guess that adds to the shock value.
I am doing my best to keep my eye on the prize and to remember that all we need is one good egg and that if we have 7 by day 5 then that still gives us a couple of frosties. We still haven't heard if we will be doing a day 3 or day 5 transfer. Fingers crossed that we can go to 5 days! By the way I am still working on hubby to transfer 3 embryos instead of 2 because I just want this to work so badly!

Update

Well what a whirlwind! It has been a very dramatic 24 hours. Let me start by saying that the egg retrieval was awesome and I am so happy that I went in the room with my sister and was a part of it. It was truly moving seeing the eggs being retrieved and I will remember it for a very long time. Initially I didn't want to go in because I didn't want to invade her privacy but it was so incredible to see everything go down that I am so happy the nurse encouraged me to go in. So the results of her egg retrieval are phenomenal. They were able to retrieve 16 eggs!!! As my sister says "not bad for a 38 year old". We were over the moon and my sister is very sore and exhausted. I had her kids for the day, sent her for a massage and then went to bed by 8pm. It was an absolutely incredible day!
The lab called today with our fertilization results and I am happy to say that 9 eggs fertilized. To be 100% honest it is less than I expected after we retrieved 16 eggs but still fabulous. Being an infertile I am really curious why the fertilization percentage is lower than anticipated but 9 is more than I could have hoped for or dreamed of.I am wondering if some of the eggs weren't mature or if hubby should have abstained longer than he did. Gosh, why do I torture myself. Anyways, now the wait is on to see how many of the eggs will divide and to determine if we will do a 3 day or 5 day transfer. I have to admit that my feelings have changed a bit at this point. I want the embies to make it so badly that I am nervous about waiting for 5 days. Please everyone send me your positive vibes for our 9 little embies!!!

Back on track!

My sister is much better today and is just resting and drinking lots of Gatorade. Things are still on track for tomorrow and my lining is looking good. We are set for a saturday or monday transfer and I am so happy it will be a fresh transfer.

In danger of over stimulating

Things can change so quickly. The doctors called today and told my sister to stop taking all of her meds because her estrogen is super high and she is at risk for hyper stimulation. They didn't seem too overly concerned but that doesn't reassure me because they never really let on to have serious a situation is. She has been feeling super tired, hot and a bit dizzy (although the weather here is super hot) and she said she kept feeling like she had something dripping down her thigh (she worried it was blood) but there was nothing there. I feel terrible for her but I guess she only has to put up with this shit for another 2 days. Please let these days past quickly!!

12 is my new favourite number!

They are now predicting that she will have 12 eggs so I am now hoping for atleast 8 embyos. I am over the moon!!! Retrieval is set Wednesday at 7am. Hopefully we can have a 5 day transfer. G just emailed me that we should try for 12-tuplets....haha. Gosh we would be happy with one healthy baby. I just can't believe it, something in this journey is going right!!! For the first time in our quest to conceive we might have some frosties!! I know this isn't as big as a BFP but I will take it. It just means that we are maximizing our chances to getting to our ultimate dream. Wow, wow, wow!!!!!

I knew 8 was my favourite number!!!!

From the beginning I have told hubby that I wanted 8 eggs from my sister and today the nurse predicted that there would 8 eggs for the retrieval. I don't want to get overly excited but it seems like things are finally falling into place. I am so excited for Wednesday (our retrieval day) that I can barely breath.
This cycle has obviously been very different from my previous cycles for many reasons but it is beginning to seem more real. On Wednesday the pressure shifts to me and I am nervous that my body will fail me once again. I am going to try to be positive (isn't that we all say) but I am scared shitless that I will be let down again.
Anyways, I am going to step away from the computer before I start looking up success rates....haha

Starting to get excited!!!

Okay, I don't know how this is possible but my sister now has 12 measureable follicles!!!! I don't get how so much can change in one night but I am going with it and praying that they didn't measure wrong today. They have said that they don't think all of the follicles will make it to retrieval but now they are predicting 9 instead of 5!!!! I am over the moon and in shock at the same time. How could so many grow so much in one night. My sister is annoyed that I ever doubted things but I know she will get over it. Tomorrow I am going with her so I can ask a million questions and figure out information for retrieval day. It sounds like we are going to be pushed back a day or two to give the new follies a chance to catch up. Apparently her estrogen is still strong (knock on wood) and we can afford to wait. Actually My hope is 8 eggs because 8 is my favourite number and hubby and I got married on 08-08-08. I guess I would settle for extra eggs and be happy with 8 embryos...haha! Now I am getting too demanding, I am just happy things have improved. There was a time that I was convinced we would end up with 2 eggs and now there is hope for as many as 9. So excited!!!

Confused but what's new!!!

Well I have been looking back at my old posts and my sister's cycle is going very similar to my first IVF cycle. Let's just hope the results are different. So my sister is now on Day 8 of stimming and she has 6 (ish) measureable follicles. The lead two follicles are 1.6, there is another one that measures 1.5, then close behind are two that are 1.4 and finally the last little straggler is a wee 1.1. They don't think the little one will make it to the retrieval so I am not sure why they even count it. My sister is over the moon but I can't say I feel the same way. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but they just aren't the results that I wanted. I guess the thoughts going through my head are: Why would we pay $6000 for the retrieval with so few follicles/eggs? What if only a couple fertilize? What are the chances we will get high quality embryos? Will we even get any frosties? What if he follicles are empty like mine were? I am back where I was last Decemeber. Only now I am more jaded and have less money in the bank. I think I mentioned before that my sister offered to go through the stimming process again but I know if we go through with the retrieval I won't be able to ask her again. What would you ladies do? Would you continue to the retrieval? Would you save the money to pursue other options (adoption/egg donor)
Sorry for not commenting on anyones blogs, something is wrong with my blogger and it just kicks me out when I try!!

Bad News???

I think we had some bad news today but maybe I am just a skeptic. Today was my sister's 4th day of stimming and she only has one measurable follicle (1.1). I assume this is terrible news but I honestly can't be sure. These are the same results that I had when I stimmed and it always resulted in crappy retrievals or cancelled cycles but I hope this isn't the case. I am hoping someone else can tell me that they only had one measureable follicle at this point but went on to retrieve multiple eggs but I don't want to be overly optimistic. In total she is showing 12 follicles (6 on each ovary) but the rest are too small to measure. I hate false hope, I wish the clinic would give realistic predictions.
I feel terrible for my sister because she feels guilty and this is obviously not my intention. I didn't let her know that I was worried and reassured her that because her estrogen is high we have nothing to worry about. I just don't know if I believe it myself!!
Please keep your fingers crossed for us.

A therapist, a bleeding cerix, and lots of drugs

Although things have started to move forward it feels like time is moving at a snails pace. Every day feels like a week and every week feels like a month. Anyways, we have made progress. Today we had our therapy session required by law to proceed with this process. We (Hubby, sister, and sister's husband) met with the Psychiatrist at the Fertility clinic today and all went well. Although I resent having to pay an addition $650 for a government required appointment I actually enjoyed talking to someone about the process, not about the medical stuff but focusing on the emotional end of it. I wish hubby spoke more but I knew that wouldn't happen so I am just pleased that I got to let go of some feelings. The Dr. couldn't have been more of a typical Shrink pony tail and all.
Another move forward is that my sister starts taking her Superfact on Monday. It actually took me by surprise that they changed her back to the long protocol but I guess it makes sense because she has 14 follicles and not the 6 we thought, she has low FSH, and we figured out her estrogen is high because she is overweight and has diabetes. I have also started to get my uterus ready for the transfer(it seems early to me but I am going with it). I have had one shot of Lupron (seems weird because on some other blogs I have follow the women doing donor egg cycles seem to be taking more injections). I have also started taking estrogen pills two pills two times a day. The only side effects I have experienced is migranes but that could be because we have been dealing with terrible weather and rain always causes me to have headaches. From what the clinic has explained to me I only have to have the lupron shots when my uterus gets really thick and they fear that it might shed. Does that mean I am not going to have my period before the transfer? The potential transfer day (if my uterus is thick and juicy and doesn't shed) is July 1. It is only a month away but it might as well be a decade because time just moves too slowly!
Luckily I have a whirlwind week ahead to occupy my thoughts. I am off to Quebec with my class for 4 days and I anticipate it being exhauting and all consuming like last year.
One major concern for me is that my cervix is bleeding and nobody cares. It just doesn't make sense that the clinic acts like a bleeding cervix is no big deal. I can barely get through a pap smear because of my cervix pain, it bleeds when anyone looks at it, and this cycle it has been bleeding for 2 weeks. It isn't a heavy bleed but it still disturbs me. I know I am being an alarmist but seriously do I have cervical cancer? I have had the swab and nothing abnormal has been found but it just doesn't make sense that it bleeds. Plus I am worried that it will not allow me to carry a baby.

High Estrogen

I think we might have figured out why my sister's estrogen is so high. She has diabetes and although I never thought it would have an impact on estrogen it could be the answer. I have been doing some reading and it looks like they could be connected. Plus she is a bit overweight (I know that isn't the nicest thing to say) so this could help to explain her high estrogen.

DHEA anyone?????

I am not sure why I have never heard of DHEA but it had been brought to my attention. All of a sudden my parents know another fertility specialist who they happened to talk to over dinner and he wants to give me a second opinion (um....where have they been hiding this man). They were telling him about our ordeal over the past month and he was interested in giving me some options and opinions. I wish we could rewind 2 years have my parents suggest him instead of the doctor I go to now. He is closer and seems to give a shit about my situation. Anyways I am going to call him tomorrow to discuss my "case" but I checked out his fertility clinic today to get a feeling for the clinic. It turns out they do tons of research on a suppliment called DHEA. It is for older women and I don't know why I haven't heard about it. Has anyone used it??? I can't buy it in Canada without a prescription but I am going to read about it just in case he will write me one.

Hold on to your seats!!

So another huge twist in this story. I can't even believe I am surviving this freakin ride. Yesterday we had the antagonist cycle all planned out the nurse called to confirm all of the dates explained that the reason for the frozen transfer was because they weren't going to suppress my sister so our cycles couldn't be aligned and then my sister got her new day 3 results!!! She has 14 antral follicles. It turns out that last month when she had the scan (they had trouble seeing her left ovary because it is tucked behine) they had put a question mark next to her left ovary and there are now 8 follicles on there and 6 on the other side. This clinic drives me crazy! Why would they not explain that, that is why she had only 6 follicles!!!! Now things are changing once again. We still aren't going to suppress her and the good news is that I got my period today so we are only 3 days apart and we might be able to do a fresh transfer after all. I am going in today to start my estrogen priming, whatever that means!!!

Frustration and Gratitude

I am disliking my fertility clinic more and more by the day but I am trying to move past it. The fact is that I want to move forward sooner than later and I have jumped through too many hoops to move to another clinic now. So why am I frustrated, where do I start. I questioned the long protocol that they told me my sister would be using and they had no explanation for why they chose it, basically they said they chose it because it is the standard. They didn't take into consideration: her age, her extremely high E2 (estrogen) and her low antral follicle count. Um......what!!!! Freakin Ridiculous!!!!!
Anyways, what this means is that we could have started the antagonist cycle today and now we will have to wait another month because they didn't get back to me until today. Actually I wouldn't have done it this month anyways. Then mentioned when they called me back to change protocols that we will move ahead this month but because my uterus isn't primed they would freeze any embryos that were made. That seems ridiculous to me because fresh cycles have a higher success rates then FETs so why would I ever do that instead of waiting until next month. I am wondering if they suggested this because originally when we were planning to do the long protocol I mentioned that we wanted to do the long protocol ASAP because my sister is moving this summer. It seems like common sense to me that with faced with having to do an FET instead of a fresh cycyle anyone would chose the fresh cycle. Plus the timeline will be pretty much the same except for the fact that she won't be on the pill. Seriously do they have any common sense? Sometimes I think I am going crazy because they seem to make simple things so complex. Unless there is something I am missing??? Is there any reason someone would chose to do an FET instead of a fresh transfer? My uterus has been checked and there are no abnormalities to speak of.
Okay, moving on to the gratitude portion of this post. I want to say thanks to JN for the comment on my last post or I wouldn't have questioned the protocol and things might have ended in disaster. If we are going to do this once it it be as aggressive as possible. Plus I am obviously grateful to my sister for rolling with things and for not jumping ship at this point!!!

Egg Donor

My sister and I met with Dr. G on Thursday and it did not go well. He basically said she isn't a viable donor. We have scheduled another day 3 check up in hopes that her stats with be better but he was very negative about using her as a donor. This might sound crazy but we are still planning to go through with the process even if he thinks it is a waste of time. I know I sound thick headed but I just don't see the harm in trying. In my head although she isn't the best donor, she is my sister and she has had 3 kids. Plus she has drug coverage up to 5000 for fertility drugs so we won't be out of pocket at all. The plan is she will go through the stim process and if she has atleast 4 eggs then we will proceed to transfer. Otherwise we will call it a day and then figure out our next step. The next step is still to be determined but I have a feeling it will be moving on to an unknown egg donor. I know some of you have had experience with egg donors and I am curious about the cost and the process. Did you get the eggs through your clinic? If I live in Canada (where it is illegal to buy eggs) did you have to do FET or are there Canadian donors? I looked on a couple of websites and it looks as though you can get a local donor as long as the egg donor agency is run from the United States.
By the way I still don't really like Dr. G. He seems clueless and resents that I question him. Actually to be honest I am a bit overbearing in my appointments (according to my hubby and sister). What they don't understand is that he says a lot of shit that contradicts what he has said previously. Plus they don't even know what he is talking about in the appointments because they don't understand the process and the terms, they are like deer in headlights so they can't really judge. I honestly believe that Dr. G assumes that I haven't done any research and he says what he thinks I want to hear so he can make the appointment quick. For example he started our appointment off on Thursday saying everyhing looks great and we are good to go. When I inquired about my sisters extremely High E2 level he said he was more concerned about her low antral follicle count (well then how does everything "look great"). Then he said that he was happy with her FSH level. I said that I had read that a low FSH level didn't mean anything if E2 is high and follicle counts are low and he said "yes, that's what I was just telling you". Then he told my sister that her stats don't mean that she isn't fertile and that she can go on to have children (uh no kidding she has 3) they just mean that she isn't a good candidate to become an egg donor. I pointed out that she has kids and he said "yes, I know". Then he said (in an annoyed voice) that he was telling her so that she didn't go off the pill. This would make sense but she has her tubes tied. I couldn't resist pointing this out and he said "I know" again. Well if he knows already then what's the point in telling us this. He went on to tell us that we probably both have some genetic disorder that causes us to have premature ovarian failure early and that I would probably have a problem having kids even if I didn't have endometriosis. More Great News!!!! My sister was in a state of shock and started crying. She said she felt like a dud and she was so defeated by the appointment. At this point I took over and ignored the fact the Dr. G was determined for us to skip over my sister and move on to egg donation. Please don't get me wrong I know that our odds of getting preggo are better with an unknown donor but this is my sister and we have clearly stated that we want to explore this route first. I asked my sister if she was still interested in going through the stimming process even if she might only produce a few eggs and she said yes. I told Dr. G that we wanted to proceed regardless of her stats and he seemed to back down a little bit.
As it stands now my sister will start stimming June 21 and we will know if she is responding well by June 30 with a possible transfer date July 9. I know that I should be realistic but I am excited to move forward and get some answers.
Just wondering if anyone has had really high estrogen (E2) levels and if there is anything we can do to lower it? I also wondered if she should go on the birth control pill until she starts the long protocol?

Infertile Acrostic!

A - Age at Which you Started TTC:32 (3 years ago)
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Neither (I am not feeling it lately)
C - Children Wanted: If only it was that easy! Yes of course I want kids! As many as I can!!!
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: Um no, never had a pet as a kid so I haven't taken the leap. Have been thinking lately of getting a Springer Spaniel but haven't gone for it.
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: Just stopped taking all of them because I am in a bit of a bad place but usually take (coenzyme 10, vit C, Folic Acid, etc.)
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Superfact, Progesterone, Gonal F
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: about 30 lbs (I think it is more of a psychological weight gain then medical)
H - HSG: Yes and it wasn't very pleasant
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: I have a million but my top 2 are: 1. People telling me that I could always adopt 2.People telling me they hope they can have kids and that they don't have to struggle with infertility (no kidding me either). I don't need to be reminded that I am living a nightmare
J - Job Title: Teacher (I love it!!!)
K - Kids Names: I have a million in mind but today I like Quinn (my mother's maiden name)
L - Lengh of Time TTC - This August it will be 3 long years
M - Miscarriages: No but secretly I am jealous of people who have because atleast they can get pregnant (sorry if I offend anyone)
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: Never although I have thought about it lots.
O - Overian Quality: Terrible/Diminished!!!!!
P - POAS or Wait for AF: Neither anymore, I am too jaded for that. I just wait for my period and it always comes!
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: Oh so many...I guess i"ll go with the classic advice to "relax"
S - Sperm: Hubby has 100% motility, mobility and morphology and my clinic has never seen better!
T - Time you Tried Naturally - One full year (Oh how hopeful I was!)
U - Uterus Quality: Who knows, I have had 2 of those awful Sonograms and they say all is clear (whatever that means). I know this sounds crazy but I have tons but I don't trust the doctor. I have constant shooting pains in my uterus and severe cramping. I just don't trust that it is "all clear"
V - Vagina: We don't have a very good relationship anymore. She causes me too much pain and anguish. She is either bleeding or causing me heart ache. Even sex has started to hurt. I have promised myself that I will redefine our relationship!
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Everything (hidden in the laundry room)
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it!I tell anyone who will listen that I am struggling with fertility but most people don't feel comfortable so I shut up.
Y - Yearly Exam: Well it seems more like a weekly examination!
Z - Zits: Not really but I am sure that will too

Can life go on without kids?

I don't think I will ever be able to imagine life without having kids and that scares the shit out of me. Infertiility has impacted my life in so many ways, but if after all of this I never have a child, I will never be the same. I will never be able to have true joy in my life. Yes I love my husband, and my family, they are wonderful, but it isn't enough. I have wanted children from the time I was a toddler. Seriously from the time I was able to walk I pushed a mini stroller around with a Cabbage Patch Doll in it. I always had stuffed animals that I swaddled in blankets and treated like children. Plus from the time I was old enough I babysat, worked at summer camps, taught swimming lessons, instructed skiing lessons, and played school-house in my basement. My entire life has been about children. There has never been a time in my life where children haven't been involved in my daily life! My ultimate dream has always been to have children of my own. I have always daydreamed about baby names and family days at the park. I don't know how to picture life without children. We are now nearing the end of the fertility journey. If this egg donor thing doesn't work then what next? We are out of money and I need my sanity back. But I don't think I can go on with life as I know it if children aren't a part of the picture. I know this sounds weird but my marriage doesn't even make sense without children. Don't get me wrong I love G from the bottom of my heart and we have a ton of fun. However, (I know this sounds terrible) our life will feel shallow and frivolous without children. Right now it feels okay to go on 3 or 4 vacations per year, to enjoy expensive nights out, or to shop without consequences. However, that isn't fulfilling and meaningful, I need more. We need to enter the next stage of our life and without children I just don't know how to do it. I hate to admit this but at times I feel like if we don't have children that I will run away from our life and go live and work on some tropical island. Obviously I want G to come with me but he isn't that kind of guy. I don't get the purpose of living a conventional life , I need more if we aren't going to have kids. I am sick of discussing daycares, and potty training with all of my friends. If my life is never going to be about living "the American Dream" (haha, I am Canadian)then I don't want to live in North America anymore!!!

Low Counts

So I am a bit bummed about my sister's results and I feel guilty saying it. We got the results from her day 4 tests back and she only had 6 antral follicles. Gosh, even I had 9 during my cycle monitoring. This seems at bit bleek and I hate for her to go through all of this if the chances are so low it seems so selfish. I was just looking at some data that said that generally when you have an antral follicle count of 6 you end up with around the same number of eggs. It went on to say that your chances of a live birth go down considerably with less than 9 antral follicles. Please someone tell me they had a low antral follicle test and ended up with double digit eggs. Hopefully they won't start her on a super low dose of Gonal F because then I will have a full anxiety attack!
Her other stats are as follows: Estrogen 293
LH is 2.7
FSH is 6.3

One Tiny Step Forward

So as predicted things are moving forward very slowly, but I guess it is better than regressing or standing still. We now have a contract (Thanks to a blogging angel Jennifer)and we have our psych appointments booked for May 10. I also have another sonogram (to date the most physically painful test I have had) booked for May 3. Fingers crossed that I don't have any polyps on fibroids (lord let something be functioning in my body). My sister has started her first month of cycle monitoring this month. I hate to admit it but I pushed hard for her to get in there. She didn't really get that if she didn't start the monitoring yesterday that we would have to wait another month before she could do her FSH blood test and Day 3 ultra sound and it would put us back an entire month. Seriously it was all I could do not to beg her to drag her ass down to the clinic. I just kept offering to take the day off of work to watch her youngest daughter so that she could make the appointment. She finally gave in and followed through with the appointment....because I might have literally had a heart attack. If you can't tell I am a bit of a control freak (I swear it only factors into things when dealing with babymaking). Hopefully the clinic didn't scare her off because she has been texting me all day telling how me how shitty she feels after being attacked repeatedly by wanda!
I am still in a bit of a bloggers depression and I am not proud of myself. I want to follow all of you and support you but I am just not in that place right now. I know as soon as Keeny (my nickname for my sister) is doing a cycle I will be blogging daily and I will get caught up on what you are all up to. Please don't think I am too self absorbed. I do think of you all and I do pop on your blogs but I just don't always post a comment. I promise I will be a better blogger soon.
Baby Dust to you all!!!!!

I'm the Third Party

Our journey has taken another direction and we have finally moved on to pursuing an Egg Donor cycle. My sister had her first appointment yesterday and it have is such a weird feeling. I am now a bystander in my own quest to conceive. My sister is the one in the drivers seat and that is hard for me. I feel like I have my face pressed against the window and I am just looking in on the process. She has to go to the clinic for counselling with her husband, they have to have blood tests done, and then they will attend an IVF seminar. It feels so strange and it isn't what I expected. I had no idea my brother in law would have to be so involved and I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. He is nice enough and wants us to get pregnant but he is super busy and I hate asking him to have to make time in his schedule for all of this.
While my sister is busy doing testing my job is to find a lawyer to get a contract drawn up. Then we all have to go in and sign it together (again with my brother-in-law). It just occured to me while writing this this post that I am the third wheel in this Third Party Contract. My husband will be the biological father and my sister will be the egg donor. I am just the recipeint! I know that isn't all I will be but on paper it sounds so insignificant. By the way does anyone have a third party egg donor contract because that would save us some money!!!

I survived

Other than the mother of the mother to be publicly embarassing me the weekend was non eventful. I handled myself very well and avoided breaking down in tears (infront of anyone that is). When the grandmother to be placed her hand on my stomach and asked if I had finally had any success she then let everyone know that I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years without any luck. Yep, it was a special moment but what can you do. To put it is prospective my friend's mom is slow (and I am not being sarcastic). I would guess that if she had an IQ test she would fall in to a category of low intelligence. She has a very basic vocabulary and works in a factory where she can not move departments because the training for the next level of job is too difficult for her to grasp. I know she didn't mean to humiliate me but she was in fact laughing at me and telling me how her daughter had no problem getting pregnant. Oh well......life goes on!
I am in an argument with the hubby and I think I am mostly to blame or at least I was at first. When I was away this weekend I called him to say goodnight and he didn't pick up the phone. He didn't call me back or message me until the next morning and this pissed me off. We always stay in communication with each other when one of us goes away and I thought it was inconsiderate so I let him know it. I guess I went a a bit overboard because he isn't speaking to me and even told me to go f*ck myself. Uh yes, you heard it right he swore at me for the first time in our relationship. It was extreme for the situation and let me tell you whatever plans I had to apologize went off the table when he said those words. Swearing at your partner is not okay in my books and I am happy not to talk to him for a little while.

Egg Donor??

Well our appointment had some good points and some discouraging points. This was the first time we have ever talked to Dr. G for more than 10 minutes so that was a bonus. Although he was over an hour late for the appointment it was nice that we had all of our questions answered. To start off I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't try to talk me out of moving on to an egg donor. Actually he had just come from a meeting about the clinic's new egg clinic (that's why he was late). Finally we are able to get eggs in Canada (although they are frozen and shipped from the United States). He said he thought I was being very level headed to move on to a donor and that he was impressed that I came to this decision so easily (let me assure you it was not easy but I just went with it). The negative was when he said he doesn't generally like to use an egg donor of my sister's advanced age (clearly 38 is not a positive). I know that her age isn't ideal but obviously I would prefer to have a genetic link and the cost difference is substantial. He said that if she doesn't have a high antral follicle and if her FSH level is high they will not accept her as a donor. Obviously I don't want to waste my sister's time and energy but knowing that she has had 3 healthy babies and no health issues I really figured we would give it a try even if she doesn't have the perfect stats (she isn't 25 so let's be realistic here!). At times I felt like Dr. G. was pushing the new egg donor program a little. I know that the success rate would be higher but as I mentioned earlier it is out of our budget (for now) and I would prefer some genetic link. Hubby says that if our clinic decides my sister isn't a good donor, then we should get a second opinion, and I agree. My major worry is that they will scare her off. Obviously this is a huge deal for her to be doing this and I don't want to risk her health but I am being selfish. I am sick of obstacles, nothing seems easy. Oh, and I am still obsessing that something is wrong with my uterus (because why would anything on me work). I have tons of lady pains and I worried about not being able to carry a baby if we do end up using my sister's eggs. I will have schedule another sonogram (ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!) which scares me because I am one of the few that found it very painful (my dr says it is because my cervix is so damaged from my endo). Does anyone know if endo usually affects carrying a baby?
So what next???? My sister has an appointment on April 13 to meet with the Dr. so that he can decide if she is there of her free will. Then if that goes well she have will a day 3 FSH test (Around April 26) and then she will have an ultra sound to see her antral follicle count around May 3. So I guess I will know sonner than later if she will be a viable donor (fingers and toes crossed). In the mean time we both have to go to a psychologist to make sure we are stable to go through the process.
So that's that, wait again.
I hope everyone is doing well and there are lots of pregancies out there in blog land. I haven't been reading posts because I have been trying to distract myself from fertility stuff. However, I know I will be hitting the blogs hard for support after this weekend. I am going to visit a friend and her cousin who are both 6 months pregnant and I know the converstation all weekend will be baby related....pray for me that I behave.

Another Appointment

Not sure that this is news but my IUI didn't work. I can't say I was disappointed at all because I never considered it a viable option. I actually found it a bit irratating when the nurse hugged me and told me she just knew this was going to work. She needs to do some reading on advanced endo because the chances were very low (I know I sound jaded but I don't like false hope). So on to the next step. On Thursday we have an appointment with Dr. G to tell him we are moving on with a donor egg. We have come to this decision together and there is a chance he will try to talk me out of it. Dr. G thinks there is still a chance with my eggs but we don't have the energy, money, or desire to beat a dead horse. My sister goes in to meet with him April 13 and then I guess the LONG process begins. I know I am being stupid but now I am worried about her eggs. Although she has 3 babies and got preggo the first month they tried to conceive she is older now and we all know how when you are over 35 your chances are severly reduced. She is 38 (please don't gasp) but has had a baby in the last 2 years so fingers crossed her eggs are good. Why can't I wind back the hands of time??????

Moving On!!!!

Well, at this point I am finally at peace. I went to my clinic on Wednesday and the doctor basically told me there was no decision to make. We only had one egg big enough to retrieve so he converted us to an IUI. To be honest I didn't even want the IUI, it just didn't make sense to me. Both my husband and I had to miss the morning of work and the chances of conceiving this way are so very slim (approx. 3-5%). I have the most advanced stage of Endometriosis, with scar tissue, deep implants, and cysts. Plus there is nothing wrong with hubbys sperm. In fact his sperm seems to be the only thing we have going for us. He had 100% mobility with the count being at 100 million after being washed (or was it 10 million, whatever it was the doctor was shocked by how many there were). My point is that his sperm just isn't an issue. Actually at times it bothers me how great it is because the clinic always makes such a big deal about it. I get it, the fertility issue is with me...haha! Anyways, everything I have read regarding endometriosis and IUI tells me that the minute I release my egg it becomes covered in toxins and basically impossible to fertilize. Plus yesterday we have a field trip in the afternoon and whatever sperm was injected in there is now on the bus seat because it was so bumpty the sperm would have been swimming in circles and flushed out!
Now we are going to move on to using my sister's eggs. She is more than willing and age isn't on her side so we want to pursue it as soon as possible. Of course we have a ton of hoops to jump through and we have to wait to meet with Dr. G at the end of March.
I have a 4 day weekend so I am going to relax every minute of it!!!

Stuck

Thanks once again for the support and suggestions. I really value your opinions and input. I should explain a couple of things. I am paying for everything out of pocket. I am in Canada so we don't pay for ultra sounds but I pay for the drugs and IVF with no coverage (we exceeded the coverage I get at work for drugs already). The frustating thing is that the government is about to start covering IVF in my province but it will probably take 2 years before it is effective. I have considered moving to another province where it is free of charge but that is just a pipe dream. I should also explain that we are stuck in our clinic for now. The way it works it that you pay the full fee up front and if you don't go to retrieval they keep the balance (minus the drugs) to use it towards the next cycle (very sneaky!!). We seriously considered switching clinics after our last cycle. But we figured it wasn't the clinics fault I didn't get pregnant and wanted to avoid going through all of the preliminary tests again so we decided to stay. Obviously that wasn't the best decision we could have made. Plus there is a 3 month waiting list to get into other clinics in my area and I have added my name already just in case.
So I did call the clinic and demand to talk to my doctor. However, he wasn't in (he is head of the local hospital) and he won't be in the clinic until next week. He doesn't have email and he doesn't take phone calls (wow, how special!). I will be seeing a doctor tomorrow but not mine. The first appointment I can make with my own doctor is March 31 (a lot of good that will do with this cycle).
I guess the decision is really mine and G's to make. I have always known the problem would be with my eggs. So do I convert to an IUI (although the stats are so low) and keep the money for a donor cycle? Or do I give it one last shot with my own eggs?(3 seems to pathetic to me) Another thought I had was to have my sister and I stim at the same time and then throwing all the embies we can make in there. Imagine after all this I end up the octomom part 2 (I am just kidding, I think I am loosing my mind). I guess it would be impossible to have us both stim at the same time (and super expensive) but it was a dream. That way if we took the 2 best embies between the both of us I could fool myself into thinking I was the egg donor.

In or Out

So the nurse from my clinic just called me and it was not good news. She said that my estrogen is down and that we have to make a decision tomorrow morning. She believes that because I am not responding that means that my ovarian reserve is so low that I will never produce multiple eggs. She says that there are only 2 protocols and because neither worked for me that we should probably move on to an egg donor, if it is an option. She said we could try upping my gonal f but in the past when women respond so poorly to the amount I am taking (300ius per night) that it doesn't make a difference to go up to (450iu)
My questions to you are: 1. Would you finish this cycle knowing there will probably be only 2 eggs? (one of the 3 is small) 2. Would you abandom the cycle and try upping the meds to the highest dosage and hope for more?(we would be out $2500 for meds but we could use the money we have paid for our next cycle) 3. Would you go right to donor egg (if my sister is really going to go for it)?
I am leaning towards abandoning this cycle, starting a new one with the highest volume of meds, and then if I don't respond seeing if my sister is serious about going through all of this bull shit!
I hate my life!!!!

Staying at 3

So it looks like the growth of my eggs has become stagnant. It sucks and I feel defeated. The cyst that could have been an egg has now been 100% deemed a cyst and tomorrow we will decide if we are going to pursue this or abandon ship. I am frustrated and I hate this stupid roller coaster. I am curious what they will do differently next time? Is there another protocol?
I have to admit that I really don't like the way my clinic is run. It frustrates me that I see a different doctor every day and various ultra sound techs see me each morning. It is so inconsistant and they all seem to have varying views. Yesterday they said not to worry because there is time to progress and today they told me we should think about cancelling because the eggs aren't progressing. Yesterday they said that people can stim on an antagonist cycle anywhere from from 7-14 days so that I had lots of time to develop. Now today the doctor said that by day 6 you pretty much know how many eggs you are going to get and things don't really change. I don't get it, my estrogen level hasn't changed so why the big change in outlook. Today I am ready to throw the towel in on this cycle and I know tomorrow I will have a different doctor on duty see me and they will give me yet another opinon. By the way, the doctor on duty is never my own doctor. G and I have come to a decision about the cycle. We will inject tonight and then tomorrow (they are going to use the extras from the bottom of our gonal pens). If we don't have atleast 5 eggs we are going to abandom ship. Let me know what you think?

You ladies Rock!!!!

You all give the best advice and insight. I am glad to know that I am not the only one that has experienced the cyst versus egg dilema (although I wish none of us had to). It gives me confidence in my clinic that other clinics are unable to correctly identify the difference too. I guess I will just roll with it. Although I did post about being frustrated I really haven't been obsessing about things. They will be what they will be. If I had to guess last IVF there were only 2 eggs all along and the rest were cysts. I have to say that the pain I am feeling the last couple of days is exactly the same as when I have a new cyst. As I mentioned before I haven't done this protocol before but I don't think there would be any pain in the ovaries if it was just eggs growing in there.
Not sure if I mentioned it yesterday but I also learned that my ovaries are tucked far behind my uterus yesterday (how did I not know that!!!). When the ultra sound tech mentioned it yesterday I thought she was crazy. When I mentioned it to G, he said "yeah, don't you remember Dr. G saying that after your egg retrieval". Uh no I don't....I am pretty sure I was loopy and nobody ever mentioned it when I asked what went wrong. I must have asked G a million times if Dr.G had said what happened to the other 4 eggs he had seen on the ultra sound. Anyways, what difference does it make, add it to the list of abnormalities!!

Cysts versus Eggs

What a disaster my clinic is. Maybe I am being too demanding but seriously it is hard to believe that "skilled" ultra sound techs can't figure out the difference between cysts and eggs. Every time I go in they change the report. It ranges from them recording me as having anywhere from 2-6 cysts. Seriously, they have no idea how many eggs I have because they don't know if they are cysts or eggs. I assume they are cysts because last time they were so off on my egg count.
At today's appointment they said my cyst (that yesterday they told me was an egg) has grown to 2.0. When I pointed out that they had thought it was an egg yesterday the nurse didn't know how to explain. She said it will only become clear when they got bigger. This confuses me because the eggs aren't supposed to get bigger than 2.0 before retrieval. Anways, they are now counting 3 eggs and possibly a fourth that could also be a cyst. I guess I will take the extra egg if it is in fact an egg.
Thanks for the input on my last post. They won't nicrease my doses for a couple of reasons: 1. The meds make my cysts grow 2. I am already double the doses from last IVF and they worry about over stimulating 3. I have only be injecting for 4 days so I have another week to go.
I am doing an antagonist cycle (whatever that means) so egg counts are supposed to be different(lower to start) and apparently they say I should see more any day now ( I will believe it when I see it).
Thanks for the support!!!

2 freakin eggs

Ugh!!!! I only have 2 eggs!!! This is so frustrating and I am sick of this bull shit. I hate the smugness on the nurse's face (I know it's not her fault). I wish she would be honest and say that it sucks. I hate the fake bullshit trying to make me feel better. She tried to say it is only day 6 and that there "could" be more before the retrieval. This time I will not go through with the retrieval unless we are showing more eggs because it is a waste of money and too damn depressing. They will not sway me with their false optimism!!!
This SUCKS!!!!

Going through the motions

I don't know what it is but this cycle feels different. I haven't Dr. Googled anything and I don't even know the names of some of the drugs I am injecting. I don't know if it is because I am still in denial that I am going through this again or if it is because this is such a short and unexpected cycle. Maybe I haven't had time to process things. I started my injections today (one down 2 to go) and it felt more annoying than last time. I think last time I was so excited to get the process going that I was looking forward to injecting (not the physical act but the signifigance of the injections). Now I can't help but say to myself, is this doing anything! I know, I should be positivie if I want positive results but hell that didn't work last time. I am not doing accupuncture this time and I am not taking all of the vitamin suppliments. Plus have a terrible cold (maybe that is why this is such a negative post) and I feel like shit. The one thing I am going to do though is take more days off from school this time. Last time I felt that I had to get back in the classroom as soon as possible. Now I feel like I am just going to take whatever time I need. The admin at my school knows I am doing IVF and they seem to be supportive so why not.
I have my ultra sound appointment on Sunday to see if my ovaries actually respond this time!!! I am hoping to have enough eggs to supply the easter bunny!
Oh yeah and the worst news about the cycle is that I have 5 cycts. This actually makes me nervous because they were thinking of cancelling the cycle because of them. I just hope they didn't let it go forward because they wanted the $$$. Does anyone know how multiple cycsts influence IVF? The nurse told me that it should be okay as long as my estrogen levels are stable. I hate the "it should be okay"!!! I wanted her to say something more along the lines of "it will not influence your IVF at all".
I hope you are all doing well with your pregnancies, and in your journey to conceive. I have not been able to bring myself to follow pregnancy posts but I truly from the bottom of my heart wish you all the best!

Are we really doing this again???

Well we were going to wait until after our cruise but I had a drs appointment today and because we are doing a shorter antagonist cycle we can squeeze it in before we go. I know hubby was thinking we could wait and do the cycle when we were relaxed after our vacation but I can't wait. Mostly because I loved being able to get away when things didn't work out last time. It was great to having something else to look forward to instead of wallowing in self pity. I know that it is a bit pessimistic to be making plans for another failed attempt but I like to think of myself as a realist. Honestly, I am probably cursing myself but I truly believe my eggs are stale (hence my blog title) and I don't want to let myself to be shattered if this cycle doesn't work. Plus my sister isn't getting any younger so if I want to use her eggs we have to get moving.
By the way my parents seemed to have taken their offer of paying for this round off of the table. To make a long story short, they give us money for a trip to visit them every year and we declined this year (we are driving instead of flying) so they said to take the money ($1000) and put it towards our IVF or whatever we want to do with it. There was no mention of paying for the rest of the round and I would HATE to initiate the conversation. Any suggestions????

I got knocked down but I get back up again

Well, I have really been enjoying not ttc for the last month and to be honest I am not ready to get right back into it. We were going to start another IVF cycle after my next period but decided to book a cruise instead....haha. I figure what better way to "relax" then to go on a vacation. I have some guilt because we just got back from California and we will be paying out of pocket for our next round of IVF but I guess not bad enough. We got a great deal on a one week cruise ($1000 for both of us) and we can even squeeze in a visit with my parents (the cruise is out of Miami and my parents life in Naples for the winter)
Today, I had my WTF appointment and nothing earth shattering was revealed. They said the next cycle would be a shorter, more intense cycle. The one thing that really bothered me was when hubby said that we were interested in pursuing another cycle in the next couple of months, the doctor laughed under his breath and said atleast another. Uh...not really liking the idea of many more cycles and the casual way that he was snickering about it.....just saying.
Anyways, just wondering if anybody has any input on Antagonist versus microflare cycles for someone of my "advanced" age and with stage 4 endo???
I hope everyone is having a great new year!