Saturday, June 19, 2010

Schools out for summer!!!!

Yesterday was the last day of school and the kids/parents spoiled me. I felt so loved that it almost brought me to tears. I received so many gifts and more importantly cards that it was overwhelming. It was my first year that I had a line up of parents that wanted to say thank you.
I still haven't made my decision about summer school, but I have to decide by next Friday. I have a couple of options if I decide to teach summer school so I am leaning towards doing the 4 week program because then I still have 5 weeks off which is still a long time to relax. Gosh most people don't get that all year and I have also had 2 weeks in December and 2 weeks in March.
This weekend should be a very busy one. I have to finish marking final exams, write report cards x2 (my memory stick has a virus and I can't get my first and second term reports so I have to retype them), I have to maark standardized tests, and it is Father's Day! I am exhausted just typing that and yet I am sitting on the couch watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta! This weeks was so crazy that I feel like I deserve a couple hours before the craziness begins.
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I am a bit confused today because I am on cycle day 7 and I already have my sticky discharge. Does that mean that I am ovulating early???? I guess I will just make sure to BD tonight just in case but I can't imagine I am already ovulating.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

2 days left!

Well, Friday is the last days with my class and then school is out for the kids. It is bitter-sweet because I love my class this year. I am happy that they are moving on and growing up but the year went so fast. Plus I am not sure I am completely looking forward to the summer (this is crazy talk for a teacher). This is the first summer ever that I wasn't full of excitment for the summer to begin, but I am worried I will become more depressed. I am so worried that I will become even more isolated and withdrawn from life. When I am at school I am fully engaged and in the moment. I have meaningful interactions with the kids and my job feels rewarding, but when I walk out of the school I shut down. All I think about is my empty womb and my failure to become a mother,it consumes my every thought! My boss mentioned that there might be a summer school position for me if I am interested and I think this might be the answer. Although I would love to relax all summer I assume that with this overactive mind I will not be able to relax anyways. However, my mother in law bought a trailer (how white trash of us) in cottage country to use for the summer and I would love to spend lot of time up north getting some fresh air. Maybe I should just enjoy the summer, drink some wine and read lots of great books. It's a tough call!
I called the fertility clinic because I was supposed to make an appointment to arrange our next plan of attack and they said to call back in a month because they are booked up for June and July. I hate to complain about our health care in Canada because hubby and I haven't paid for anything yet in our journey to conceive but the waits are frustrating!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

When is it time to see someone??????

Throughout my life I have had times of extreme isoloation. I don't pick up the phone, I don't return phone calls or emails and I avoid human contact as much as possible. Of course I go to work all day but that is where my social interaction stops. I don't do dinners out, and I avoid family interactions. I even peek out the curtains to make sure my neighbors aren't around when I have to go out to run errands. I am currently in one of these times in my life. I am overly emotional and I just feel sorry for myself. I feel like I am living in a nightmare and I having a constant pity party for myself. I am even starting to push hubby out. Last week I was so mad at him over literally nothing that I refused to talk to him for almost a week. Luckily hubby is thick skinned and just ignores my ridiculousness. He insists we continue to do things and sticks by my side. He refuses for us to even watch t.v in seperate rooms and will even watch The Real Housewives with me in order to be together. He works a lot so when he is home he is adament that we hang out together. Thank god for that because I could just stay curled up in a ball hidden under blankets for my entire weekend without any human contact. I was so bummed this week that I didn't even have the energy to check my favourite blogs.
Today I checked my blog for the first time all week and it felt great to have 4 comments from ladies who are going/ or have gone through the same feelings I am dealing with. I really appreciate the feedback and it makes me feel better to know that I am not completely crazy.
Tonight I am going to see the A-Team with the hubby and I will do my best not to eat the entire large bag of popcorn to myself. Last month hubby enrolled us in the local Good Life Gym and I have been once...I just can't get myself motivated!!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Stuck in a downwards spiral!!

Another month and it's the same old sh*t as always. Counting days, taking tests, and then facing the sad truth. I am just so dejected! When will it be my turn? I am so sick of this kind of "living", that is not living at all. Summer is just around the corner, there are only 3 weeks left of school and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I am lonely and depressed and nothing seems to help. I have been forcing myself to be around other people but that just makes me feel more alone. Everyone I know has kids and being around them makes me feel pathetic. I would rather just hang out with hubby. Now I find myself sitting at home eating on the couch watching t.v more and more. I am fat for the first time in my life! I know why I am fat but I just can't motivate myself to do anything about it. The only comforts I have involve carbs.