Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm the Third Party

Our journey has taken another direction and we have finally moved on to pursuing an Egg Donor cycle. My sister had her first appointment yesterday and it have is such a weird feeling. I am now a bystander in my own quest to conceive. My sister is the one in the drivers seat and that is hard for me. I feel like I have my face pressed against the window and I am just looking in on the process. She has to go to the clinic for counselling with her husband, they have to have blood tests done, and then they will attend an IVF seminar. It feels so strange and it isn't what I expected. I had no idea my brother in law would have to be so involved and I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. He is nice enough and wants us to get pregnant but he is super busy and I hate asking him to have to make time in his schedule for all of this.
While my sister is busy doing testing my job is to find a lawyer to get a contract drawn up. Then we all have to go in and sign it together (again with my brother-in-law). It just occured to me while writing this this post that I am the third wheel in this Third Party Contract. My husband will be the biological father and my sister will be the egg donor. I am just the recipeint! I know that isn't all I will be but on paper it sounds so insignificant. By the way does anyone have a third party egg donor contract because that would save us some money!!!


  1. You are more than a third party. You will house that baby and because it live inside YOU instead of your sister, it is uniquely your baby too. Look up the term epigenetics. Because the baby would grow in you and not your sister, it will express its genes in a different way than it would if it was grown in your sister....

    Now, that being said, I can totally understand why you would feel like a third party. I'm not trying to minimize what you are feeling, I'm just trying to give you another perspective.

    By the way, I'm SOOO happy for you and can't wait to hear how this goes for you. Best wishes!! (Kathleen from AsFastAsMyBabyCan) now Tippy at

  2. I'm sure the transition to using your sister's eggs has to feel weird. I know this is hard, but try to focus on the end result - a baby! Have you gone to counseling to talk about this? It might help, and I'm only speaking as someone who has been very happy with my counseling experience. Hang in there!

  3. I think it is likely totally normal for you to be feeling this way. I do think though as time goes by your feelings will change. At the beginning everything is always so formal with IVF, once the nitty gritty begins, you will likely warm to the idea. I'm not sure if this is something you would be open to but when I did IVF I saw a fertility psychologist quite regularly. If someone like this is available I would highly recommend it as she/he could help to validate your feelings.

    So glad things continue to move forward for you.

  4. An egg and sperm and meet and divide all they want, but without the proper vessel a baby will not flourish and grow.

    You are that vessel, you are the most important part in all of this.

    Right now you may feel like a bit of a 3rd wheel, but pretty soon you will be the most important player in the game!!!

  5. Being 12 weeks with two donor egg babies inside...I have moments of thoughts of the donor adn what she went through to give us these wonderful babies and she didn't even know us. But with your possibly being your sister as a! (a choice I didn't have with them all being over 38) Have the comfort of her wanting to give you this gift.

    I have a great Canadian Lawyer that we used Sherry Levitan. Amazing and a good resourse for any question that comes up.

    All the best

  6. I get why you would feel that way, but you aren't a third party. You will be this baby's mother.
    I hope things smooth out for you.

  7. Hey there. :) When you talk about your face pressed up to the window, I completely understand. One of my friends, Jenn, sent me over your direction as I also had two failed IVFs before we moved on to donor eggs. Since my sister was unable to donate, one of my best friends volunteered. It was definitely harder to watch her go through the cycle than for me to do it myself. I felt guilty that she was having to be so put out even though she was perfectly willing to do all of it! I had to really just focus myself on the fact that she was giving me a gift because she loved me. I needed to allow myself to accept it and spend my energies on supporting her and being positive. So while I'm sure our experiences and feelings are different, please know that it's probably normal to feel this way.

    As for the contract, we felt extremely comfortable with the situation as my friend has three children and no desire to parent. So we used a very standard contract that I got from PVED (Parents via Egg Donation). We slightly revised a few things to fit us and had a JAG lawyer look it over for us. I'd be happy to send you a copy. Also, PVED is a huge resource and support.

    Please feel free to email me at jenniper at hotmail dot com. I'd be happy to chat with you @ any of it!

  8. I researched using donor eggs a lot. I look at it like this....If you built a house, but borrowed the plans, wouldn't you say it was YOU that built it? You're borrowing plans, but YOU will be growing that baby, and YOU will be that child's biological mother, because it will be YOUR blood that nourishes that child. We just adopted a five year old, and I'm still considering using donor eggs. Good luck in your journey!

  9. hope the process is still going smoothly with you sister. and hoping it leads to a baby in YOU in the next few months!!

    btw--if you do the blog award thing, i gave you one at my blog.

  10. I've given you an award on my blog! Stop on over to pick it up :)