Friday, July 30, 2010

It's Over!

Well I am happy to report summer school is over! At this point I am not sure I would do it again but I guess I won't really know until September rolls. Then I can assess whether I feel like I have had a chance to rest and plan for next year. I mean it is hard to complain when I still have 4 weeks off to relax and get ready for the next school year. So what's up for the rest of the summer, not much! Hubby is working like crazy and we are planning a big trip in December so my extra cash flow from summer school will be put aside for that.
I think I am slowly turning more and more bitter and I am trying not to give in to it. Last night we had a work party to celebrate the end of summer school and one of the male teacher's wife is due this week so there was a lot of baby talk. Why am I so jealous, I hate this about myself. Not only that but one of the female teacher's who has 4 children and is recently divorced is pregnant with her 5th. It really makes me uncomfortable because she knows I have been struggling to get pregnant and I know she is nervous to talk to me about being pregnant and she is kind of right, I don't want to hear about how it just happened. She has a new boyfriend and I am happy that they will now have 8 children between them but I am super jealous.
I have been having really weird pains in my lady areas and they are so hard to explain. My next appointment with my fertilty dr is on Aug 12 and I have no idea how to describe them. They are sharp shooting pains that start in various areas of my abdomen including my ovaries and pelvis and then they end up with a tingling numb feeling in my vajayjay. Then of course there are the sharp sudden cramps in my ovaries that aren't any fun at all. It is weird because my whole reproductive area feels like it is just off somehow, which I guess it is but I had never really felt it so much before. Don't get me wrong my period is usually painful but it was predictable and the pain was localized.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


So last night was my uncle's funeral. My dad's only brother died last week and we gathered together as a family. It was not a tradition funeral it was small because over the past 10 years my uncle has struggled with depression and possibly alcoholism. He seperated from my aunt (his wife of 25 years) and withdrew from the family. We made several attempt to interveen but he just wanted to be left alone. To be honest when my dad called and informed me that he had passed away initially I thought he had taken his own life. This was not the case which is a relief but it is a very sad time because we are all feeling like we could have done more while he was here. Anyways, so we had a small gathering for just family in a funeral home and then headed to a sports bar together (he was a sports fanatic). There were about 25 of us and the vibe was good, we were all recalling old stories, laughing and bonding as a family. For most of the night I sat with my hubby but while he went out for a smoke my dad's cousin came and sat next to me. It is not a stretch to say we don't know each other very well. We have probably met less then 5 times in the past 30 years. So he comes over man handles me (squeezing me in a tight grip) and starts drilling me with questions. He started out asking me about the insurance business (he was clearly thinking I was my sister) and I corrected him and told him I was a teacher. He then proceeded to tell me how terrible the education system is and that we as teachers have dropped the ball. Of course he was an expert in the field (according to himself) and he was telling what I "needed" to do next year to make a difference. I listened politely and bit my lip. How the hell does he know what I do in my classroom. Then he asked me where I was living and I told him. He was disgusted (we live in the suburbs and he lives in the fancy area of downtown). He asked why we would buy way out in the "nosebleed" area of the city. Then I corrected him and said that we rented and he looked at my with pure disgust. The truth is hubby is going to be transferred next year so we figured why buy to sell next year but I wasn't going to explain myself. I just let him tell me how I was wasting my money and not planning for my future. My temperature was beginning to rise and I started to plot my escape. After grilling me for 15 minutes on my irresponsible spending habits he decided to change the topic. This is where it gets painful. He brings up the fact that when we were talking about education that I mentioned "if I have children". He asks me why I would say if. I try to change the subject and he starts a lecture about how my generation is never happy and how we want it all. He says I should shake my head and get down to business. He tells me how I am not getting any younger and I should stop living a self indulgent life style. Finally I can't handle it anymore and I sharply say that I have a medical condition that makes conceiving difficult. This is when his wife moves in and sits on the other side of me. Now there is no escape, I am absolutely cornered. You think my medical condition warning would shut him up but he was just getting started. He asked me what kind of condition I have and when I said endometriosis his wife took over. She started writing down websites and suggesting vitamins. Then she suggested that I use my sister's uterus. By the way my uterus might be the only part of my reproductive system that isn't damaged (ignorant bitch). I start wondering if she knows what endometriosis is. At this point she has decided that I should definitely use my sister's eggs too (like it is her decisions). I couldn't take it anymore and broke down balling my eyes out. Of course at this very moment my dad, who is now drunk looks over and announces in front of the entire crowd to cut me off. I had been drinking Diet Coke all night and seriously didn't need everyone staring at me. G is still nowhere to be seen and I am ready to go postal. Who are these people and how can I be related to them. I guess the only saving grace was that it was a funeral so tears can be excused. So here I am in the middle of a sports bar having a mental breakdown and these people are still drilling me with questions. Finally......and I mean finally......G reappears and gets me the hell out of there. I think I smoked the first cigarette of my life and I am still shaking with anger!!!!

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Well, there is a heat wave and it is really hitting us hard. I decided to teach summer school and my school doesn't have air conditioning so I am sweating my tits off. I am teaching sports in the afternoon and I literally come home soaking wet, however I am choosing to see this as a positive and maybe I will sweat some of my fat ass off. I would like to say we have central air at home but that isn't the case either. We do have a window unit but it isn't enough to cool the entire house down. Last night we actually dragged the mattress from the spare room into the dining room (where the unit is located) and slept in the dining room. Actually we both slept like babies so it wasn't all that bad in the end.
As far as the endo and baby stuff goes as always there is nothing new to report. It has been 4 months since the surgery to remove my cysts and I am supposed to be going to see the doctor this month for another follow up. Unfortunately the doctor has 3 weeks off in July so I have to wait until August 12. This just leaves me with extra time to try and figure out what the next step in my fertility journey will be. From reading other ladies blogs I think my assumptions were wrong about what is going to happen next. I had thought maybe my dr would put me on a low dosage of clomid but it sounds like that isn't encouraged in endo because it will just make it grow faster. I also though that trying an IUI would be an option but some of the women have written that with stage 4 endo IUIs are a waste of time. I hate waiting, I torture myself with all of the possibilities. I guess the worst he could say is that we should just keep on with the waiting and watching approach because it is just plain painful.