Saturday, May 7, 2011
Can life go on without kids?
I don't think I will ever be able to imagine life without having kids and that scares the shit out of me. Infertiility has impacted my life in so many ways, but if after all of this I never have a child, I will never be the same. I will never be able to have true joy in my life. Yes I love my husband, and my family, they are wonderful, but it isn't enough. I have wanted children from the time I was a toddler. Seriously from the time I was able to walk I pushed a mini stroller around with a Cabbage Patch Doll in it. I always had stuffed animals that I swaddled in blankets and treated like children. Plus from the time I was old enough I babysat, worked at summer camps, taught swimming lessons, instructed skiing lessons, and played school-house in my basement. My entire life has been about children. There has never been a time in my life where children haven't been involved in my daily life! My ultimate dream has always been to have children of my own. I have always daydreamed about baby names and family days at the park. I don't know how to picture life without children. We are now nearing the end of the fertility journey. If this egg donor thing doesn't work then what next? We are out of money and I need my sanity back. But I don't think I can go on with life as I know it if children aren't a part of the picture. I know this sounds weird but my marriage doesn't even make sense without children. Don't get me wrong I love G from the bottom of my heart and we have a ton of fun. However, (I know this sounds terrible) our life will feel shallow and frivolous without children. Right now it feels okay to go on 3 or 4 vacations per year, to enjoy expensive nights out, or to shop without consequences. However, that isn't fulfilling and meaningful, I need more. We need to enter the next stage of our life and without children I just don't know how to do it. I hate to admit this but at times I feel like if we don't have children that I will run away from our life and go live and work on some tropical island. Obviously I want G to come with me but he isn't that kind of guy. I don't get the purpose of living a conventional life , I need more if we aren't going to have kids. I am sick of discussing daycares, and potty training with all of my friends. If my life is never going to be about living "the American Dream" (haha, I am Canadian)then I don't want to live in North America anymore!!!