Thursday, December 30, 2010

San Franscico

Having fun, but it is freezing here. Just got an email from a really good friend (bridesmaid in my wedding). She is 7 weeks pregnant. I locked myself in the hotel bathroom and cried because I don't want hubby to know how weak I am. I feel like a big failure! It was nice of her to send me the warning email but it still feels weird that I am so pathetic that I need a warning email. Trying to stop thinking about my barren uterus. I have done such a great job avoiding these thoughts on this vacation so far. WHY DID I CHECK MY EMAIL!!!!!
I pathetically thought I was spotting yesterday, thoughts of implantation bleeding danced through my head. As if I would get pregnant during a non medicated cycle....haha. I am a nut case!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Having Fun

Well our trip is going well and as to be expected it has had some ups and downs. The major down in the weather. What happened to sunny California? We always seem to take trips when news breaking weather occurs. We have experienced lots of road closures due to flooding and landslides. My heart goes out to all of the people who have damaged homes and buisnesses due to the high volume of rain. Today is the first sunny day we have had all week and it is about time. We are in Vegas and I love this city. Tonight we are going to see the cirq show "love" and we are hitting a prime rib/seafood buffet. I am just in our hotel taking a nap while hubby stakes out the hot black jack tables for tonight.
I am not sure where my fertility journey is going to take me but I feel like my quest to get pregnant is pushed to the back of my head for the first time in 3 years. The only thing that seems to pop into my head occasionally is a fear that there is something wrong with my uterus. I continue to have pain in my cervix and I just hate the idea that we had two "perfect" embryos and they didn't manage to stick. Maybe that is my problem. What is my uterus just can't hold on to an embryo.
Anyways, Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas! Hopefully I will have renewed strength and the ability to continue on the rollercoaster of infertility.

Friday, December 17, 2010

In the Airport

We are in the airport waiting for our 6pm flight. It is freezing but we will be out of here in less than an hour. I am surrounded by happy families and a lot of new born infants. Trying to put a smile on my face!!!!
On a happy note Ashley from Calmly Chaotic got a positive Beta today and it is her birthday. Please drop by her blog and congratulate her!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Why do I have to keep taking progesterone

I am having the heaviest period of my life so why on earth would I have to keep taking the progesterone until Friday. Please tell me that you ladies would stop too because it seems ridiculous. Give me some dignity and let me move on in this process!

I have my period

Full on Red Blood. No questions to be asked it is full flow and full red blood!
I am devestated!

Talked to my RE (fertility clinic)

So I have nothing really to report. She said it could either be my period or left over implantation bleeding....um no kidding! She said that my "low grade" fever is nothing to worry about unless it gets worse. That the cramps sound like it could in fact be my period but they wouldn't know until Monday. She kept calling my bleeding spotting, which annoyed me because it is so heavy. I am now going to go back to anal supposits in an attempt to stop aggrevating my cervix....good times. My only instructions were that I was to call if the blood becomes red. I am sad to report the the colour of the blood is changing and it is getting darker and seems to be getting more of a red tinge. For the love of god let this be over.

Thanks Ladies

Hi Ladies,
I appreciate the support and I am definitely going to call my fertility clinic today. I was up all night with the worst pains yet. I am now starting to worry something is seriously wrong (like an ectopic). I fully expected to have gushing red blood when I checked my undies this morning but nothing. This is the strangest thing. I just don't know what my body is doing. I am now in class while my kids are busy writing an exam and I am dying to go to the bathroom to check out the situation down there. The cramps are continuing and I find it very hard to think that some serious bleeding hasn't started. I am so tempted to down a bottle of A*LEVE but I am holding myself back. I guess I am still holding out the slightest bit of chance that something positive is going on inside me, although I think that is a pipe dream. I am actually more worried about my sanity and health than a pregnancy.
On a positive note Hubby and I are closer than ever. He is finally fully invested in this and it is taking a toll on him too. He has been physically and emotionally comforting me like never before. He is devasted by the events of the past week and we have been snuggling up together every chance we get. We keep joking that California is going to be our second honeymoon. Let's just say I haven't been in "the mood" lately and it will be great to reconnect and just let the events of the past 6 weeks go. I am starting to wonder if Napa Valley has enough wine because we are going to do some serious damage!
As far as the comments from the family, I know that they were 100% from a place of love and concern. No harm was meant and actually I don't think their comments are what made me cry. I am a nervous wreck and I am crying all day everyday anyways. The strangest thing is that the only thing that made me feel any better at the family functions was being able to hang out with my neices and nephews. Go Figure
Thanks for all your support. Where would I be without my blogging sisters?????

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Higher Flow (warning TMI)

So the amount of blood keeps getting heavier and heavier. I wouldn't call it a full period but it sure isn't "spotting". The Blood is also changing colour. It has gone from a milky lightish brown colour to a much darker brown. If you look very closely (which I have!) there is a tinge of red at times and some pink at other times. Plus, I now have a fever and am dizzy. I have no control over my emotions and I have been a disaster for the past two days. I cry at the drop of a dime and I don't care who is around. At both family Christmas parties I have managed to make a complete ass of myself, while making everyone around me completely uncomfortable! By the way, my crying isn't a pretty cry. It is a sobbing, snotty nosed, gasping for air kind of cry. Plus my cramps are out of control. Seriously worse then I have ever had. It feels like someone is taking nails and shards of glass and attacking my uterus. I always have brutal periods (especially the first full day of bleeding) but I am usually medicated and I know that it will last one maybe two days and then it will pass. With this it has been 3 full days of cramping and bleeding with no cease on the pain. I am so tempted to stop the progesterone just to bring my full period on so that I can get it over with. It seems like I am just making a shitty situation that much worse by holding my full period off and then having it as soon as we get to California Friday night! Of course I will be a good little patient and keep taking the annoying progesterone but I tell you I will be cursing the entire time I insert those G.D. things.
Just a quick note about some of the funny comments people said to me this weekend. G sent an email to his family expaining that we had just done IVF in an attempt to avoid any questions. Of course it had the opposite impact and just made people feel free to comment and ask questions. Some of the highlights were when G's stepmom came running up to me and congratulated me.....um seriously did she not understand the email...by no means did we say we were pregnant. Then my sister in law kindly informed me that adoption was an option. This came out of her mouth after she had just told me to consider freezing my eggs (weirdest comment of the night especially because the email had mentioned that I didn't respond to the stimming and that I only made 2 eggs!). Of course we were told a number of time to relax and that we will get pregnant when we stop trying.
I am counting the minutes until we fly away!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Still Bleeding

Yes I am still bleeding. It isn't very much, it is brown but it is there. It is mixed with the white cream from the supposits but it is there for the world to see. These cramps are serious, they can't be implantation cramps because I am a girl with endo and I can handle cramps. These cramps are not messing around and they are telling me that my period is not going to be held off by some measily progesterone supposits. I am sad and I am in pain. My back is killing, my head is aching, my mouth is unbelievably dry and my uterus is laughing at me. This cycle has been doomed from the beginning! I have mixed emotions. On one hand I wish I was still in the game and on the other hand I guess this is better than dragging it on and on. On a seperate note my cervix is enraged. Has anyone ever felt their cervix when they were just sitting down. Seriously who thought that was possible. I am having an alergic reaction to the progesterone. It isn't strong enough to hold off my period but it is irratating the heck out of my cervix. I appreciate people saying there is still a chance but let's get serious for a second. If this is implantation bleeding then our embryos must be the size of an elephant.

Update: I have my period

OMG, I hate my life. I have my period and I am only 6dpt transfer. It is dark brown blood but it isn't just a drop. When I wipe the toilet paper has brown blood all over it it. This sucks!!!! Goodbye holiday cheer!

Freakin Out

I know I am getting my period. I am obviously not going to start my full flow but yesterday I wiped and there was a tiny spot of pink, then today there was the littlist bit of brown blood. I have my period symptoms still, except no sore boobs. I am so upset that I could cry. I know it isn't implantation bleeding because it is way too late. Yesterday I was 5dp 3dt and today I am 6dp3dt. Please tell me that someone else had these symptoms and they still had there BFP.
Okay, on a sane note I am loving the Christmas season. My parents are home from Florida and we all went to my nephews hockey game and then to dinner last night. I think because of this process I am starting to have a new appreciation for my family. Yes my mom is overbearing, my sister is a bit super fertile(may come in handy...haha), my dad is kind of clueless, but I love them so much. They care about G and I like noone else and I couldn't love my neices and nephew more if they were my own. I even braved Toys* R*U*S and B*bies R *S twice this week to get them present for Christmas. It was so much fun looking at toys and spoiling them rotten. I went way overboard, I can do that because I am the "cool" aunt.
We are celebrating Christmas this weekend with our families because next weekend we will be on a plane to California!
Tonight is dinner at G's brother's house. We will be seeing both of his brothers, their wives and G's dad and his wife. They are all really nice (although very different from my family) and I never worry that they will say the wrong thing. They know I am infertile and never bring the subject up. They aren't a family who talk about kids a lot anyway. One of G's brothers has a son and he is the spitting image of G and his brother. For some reason it doesn't make me sad I just think he is cute and enjoy my time with him. Probably because he was born before we were trying to conceive. I have a bit of guilt that we don't see him more because I see my sister's kids all of the time. Anyways G's other brother and his wife (actually older than us) don't have kids. We have never talked about it but G seems to think they just chose not to have kids. They don't come across as "kid people" and are very career oriented (they are a high power realestate couple in their early 40s).
Sunday is dinner at my parent's house and it is usually just like every Sunday dinner with the family (when my parent's are in Toronto we go their every Sunday for dinner). My cousins come and until last year my uncle (dad's brother). My uncle was found dead in his apartment this year and it was a shock to say the least. One of my cousins is fresh out of law school and is doing the noble thing working for the government defending down and out people who can't afford lawyers. The other just got back from fighting in Iraq. We are constantly trying to get him to stay home (sorry for my friends who have husbands who are soldiers,we are selfish and just want him home safe and sound). They are great people and I am so sorry they lost their father. My uncle had some mental health issues and I know they did not necessarily have the father they deserved. Don't get me wrong my uncle was a wonderful man with lots of love in his heart, he just had a hard time with life. His personality was very similar to my dad's except for the mental health stuff. I have always been the black sheep and have always related to my uncle. He made me laugh and always seemed genuinly interested in my life. He never judged me and even when my parents couldn't relate to me, he did. Anyways, on a lighter note I have nothing to wear. I think the most evil thing about IVF is that you actually start looking preggo. The progesterone makes you retain so much in your utureus that I can't zip any of my pants. It is actually embarassing because I look like I am about 2 month preggo and I keep catching people checking my belly out. I am glad both sides of our family know that we are doing IVF because there is no chance that anyone will mistake me for being preggo.
I hope everyone has a great weekend and a Happy Holiday! Please keep your fingers crossed for us that we get our BFP.
By the way has anyone ever tested before their Beta? I thought about testing the night before because I would rather have a heads up before I go into the clinic.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I am actually sane today......for now!

So I am having a good day with very little running through my head. I definitely don't "feel" pregnant but whatever. Many other months when I was blissfully unaware of my infertility I thought for sure I was preggo because I was dizzy or had sore boobs, and you know how that turned out. My cramps are gone today, just a few twinges in my ovaries but that's my everyday reality with endo. I am starting to think those cramps last night were psychosomatic. I clearly work myself up and I need to stop!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

PMS???

Um, is it possible to have P.M.S. when doing IVF? Okay I know you are going to say that it could be implantation cramps but seriously I am feeling just like I do a week before my period. I have back pain, my head is killing, my ovaries are on fire and I have been visiting the bathroom a lot (if you know what I mean). Maybe it is just my endo flaring up but if I wasn't doing IVF I would know for sure that aunt flo was on her way.
Anyways, I am busy reading a great book and relaxing by the fire place. I was letting myself be distracted so I knew if I typed this out I could clear my mind and get back to Maeve Binchy.

Mixed Emotions

So I continue to be crazy but I think a little less every day. Although I joked about having a cervical/uterine infection it is still on my mind. Other than that I am trying to stay busy at school and get ready for Christmas. Did I mention G and I are going to California for the entire break. I am really excited and I think it is the perfect plan. I will have my Beta on the Friday morning and then drive to Buffalo for our flight. So no matter what our results are we will have time to digest it together without the pressure of friends and family. We are flying in to San Diego and then out of San Franciso and in between we are going to spend Christmas in Vegas. The trip planning is helping to distract me! Plus next week my students have exams for the first time in their acadmemic life. We have been busy organizing study groups and reviewing all of the course material.
I have been having pains in my ovaries. I am sure it is my endometriosis but it is a bit unsettling.
Oh yeah, one last question. How long after an embryo transfer would a period show up if IVF is not successful??
HURRY UP 2WW!!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Insane

Today I had outside recess duty and I was sure my embies were going to turn into popsicles!!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

The ridiculousness continues

Why am I so crazy.......okay don't answer that.....haha. Last night I don't think I slept for even a second. If I slept my regular way on my tummy I thought I was squishing the embies, then when I rolled on my side I figured they were going into my tubes, finally I ended up on my back which there is no way that I was going to sleep that way. I just can't "relax"! I thought being at school would allow me to stop thinking about the embies but I just kept running different scenarios through my head. I need a freakin hobby. Actually I had a go at online poker to get my mind off things but I was too busy googling a million different IVF searches that it just wasn't fun. I also started a new book that is great but I keep finding myself daydreaming.
For those of you who have done IVF before please tell me that this obsessing stops!!!! I am now convinced that my bleeding cervix is a sign of an infection that has spread to my uterus.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Transfer Complete

Well who knew that an embryo transfer was so quick. Overall it was okay but of course I can find a couple of things to complain about because I like to obsess. Here's how it went down. We arrived at the clinic at 9:15 (our appointment was for 9:45) and we were ushered back to the hospital like area. I changed into the hospital gown and tried to zen out. I took my ipod and figured I would try to do my version of meditation. My perv of a accupuncturist couldn't come so I was doing my best to "relax" myself. Well the problem was that whenever I would manage to relax the nurse would want to talk to me so G would grab my leg to get my attention. I would literally jump out of my chair so I am not sure that my "relaxing" was working. Anyways, next I was taken into the "operating room" where I was met with a dr that wasn't mine. I guess that is to be expected but I really didn't even consider it an option. Anyways, truth be told I prefer the other doctor to mine. She is a friendly shorter woman who always has a smile on her face and has a cute little quirky way about her. So they start off by doing an external ultra sound (I forgot they have those) and it turns out my bladder was not full. This always happens to me. I drank over a litre of water but I don't think I start drinking it early enough. She also suggested that maybe I had been dehydrated and just absorbed the water. I know now that isn't the truth because I have peed 5 times since coming home. Luckily she said because I was thin (I haven't felt thin in a couple of years but I will take the compliment) that she could see my innards well enough anyways. Next she inserted the speculum which was not particularily pleasant because it was the big one but to be expected. Then she had to do something with my cervix and as always the pain started. She said that it was ultra sensitive and that it was bleeding the minute she touched it. So it was a minute of pain and then it was just a bit uncomfortable. Once the catheter was in they were able to get it where they wanted and to release my little embies. I was surprised because right after they finished they had me hop off of the bed and go get changed and leave. I thought I was supposed to stay lying down on the table for an hour but that was not the case. Anyways I am now at home and am trying to stay still. I seem to have to go to the bathroom every 10 mins which is freaking me out. Plus (sorry to be disgusting) I seem to have gas. I keep thinking everytime I toot the embies will fly out of the lining of my uterus and end up in my underwear. Plus I have been sneezing like crazy. I don't think I have sneezed this much in the last 10 years. Luckily G looked it up and all I need is a relaxed uterus, what I didn't realize was that that the embies don't implant for 2-5 days. So now I am free to pee away!
Please think sticky thoughts for me!!!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

You girls are right

I have to just let it be what it will be. No more researching and driving myself crazy! I stand just as good of a chance as anyone for my embies to stick and the best thing I can do is "relax". I will do my best I promise.

We are back in the game!

Pinch me because I think I am dreaming. The lab called today and said both of my only two eggs that I got from retrieval have divided and would be considered Grade 1 (the highest at my clinic). He said they were above average embryos! I have never had anything above average so this is something to celebrate. Can you imagine something about this process could be above average. Now don't get me wrong I know this is only a small victory for most people but this is HUGE in my life. I never thought when they retrieved only 2 eggs that I would even be going to retrieval. It seems like a miracle! We are now back to the odds that we started with. We were always planning to transfer 2 embryos and now we can. Not that I don't want to get preggo because that is obviously the ultimate goal but I am just so happy to have a chance.
Now back to my regular worrying. I have read 3 research study that said that longer stimming is correlated to lower transfer rates. I hate this information! The studies suggest that extra days of stimming increases egg quality but for some reason the eggs don't attach as easily. So now I am off to research how to increase my chances of a successful transfer. I guess I will call the perv accupuncturist after all because I need to do everything and everything in my power to make these embies stick.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Misled

Hi Ladies,
I think my last post was misleading and I apologize. I was in a drugged up state when I made the post from the recovery room after my retrieval. I didn't have all of the information and I am one to jump to conclusions. I had heard them talking about my empty follicles and I was distroyed. It turns out that I actually had 5 empty follicles but 2 eggs were retrieved. Thanks for all of the love and anger over my disasterous retrieval. I really never even thought there was a chance of empty follicles. It didn't even register on my radar until yesterday. Does anyone know if I am now more likely to have empty follicles in furture cycles?
I actually passed yesterday afternoon and didn't wake up until 5am this morning. I am still devastated by the results but I guess I should be grateful that they got any. It feels like such a mourning period but I have to start looking on the bright side of things.
THE BEST news about it all is that I got a call today and both of my 2 eggs have fertilized. I know this is only a very small victory and they have a long way to go in dividing and developing but this is the best thing that has happened all cycle. I cried tears of joy this morning because I was in such shock.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Feeling the love

I just want to thank my blogging friend Kksun from "The Road Less Traveled" for recognizing little old me for "The Cherry on Top Award". It has put me in the perfect mood for my retrieval tomorrow.




I would like to give the award to the following fabulous bloggers:
Kathleen at "As Fast as Baby Can"-who is facing some tough decisions
Alex at "Alex's Adventures" who seems to be a follicle making machine
Sarah at "The Rocky Road to Motherhood" who got her BFP
Debbie at "The Infertile Farmer" who just had a very successful FET
Heather at "The Road Less Traveled" who is starting the injection rollercoaster again

Just save the picture and paste it into your next post. Then nominate 5 ladies you would like to give the award to. Thanks for making my journey a little easier!

What will I do with myself!

Today marks the first time in what seems like a very long time that I will not be having a needle or a doctors appointment! I have no idea what I will do with myself.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Another twist

Okay I don't want to create bad karma and I promised myself I would only think optomistic thoughts but I lied....haha. So the clinic did not call me back like they said they would (this happened yesterday too) so I had to call and follow up. I hate calling because it always makes me feel so desperate but I gave in and called around 3:30 because they close at 4:00. So I asked if they still wanted me to take the gonal F and they said of course (like I should know when they didn't call me back). Then I asked if my estrogen was still high and she said that it had dropped. This kind of frustrates me because I thought they were planning to call me if it dropped. Anyways, she asks if I took my superfact this morning and I said of course (because they told me to) Then she said I shouldn't have because we could have used a little spike in the estrogen. Okay, so what am I supposed to do about that now. Anyways, so now I am worried about it "bottoming out" , although I don't know what that means and what the risks are assoicated with that.
Anyways, I am still triggering tonight and taking the Gonal F but now I am worried that my eggs are going to dry up because of my low estrogen. Also another thing that keeps popping into my head is that my eggs are going to be stale because they have been hanging around for too long. If everyone could just wait until all of their follicles got big enough to retrieve why wouldn't they?????? Some sort of quality must go down now that I am 4 days past my regularily scheduled retrieval.
Oh yeah and I am worried about G's sperm. We were told that he couldn't releave himself for 4 days before the procedure but then they kept moving the date back. So now we are worried that his boys will be wonky because he hasn't releaved himself in over a week. I asked the lady today if he should pull one off and she said it was up to us. ahh.........so frustrating aren't they the professionals. So now the question is to wank or not to wank......hahah!

We are going for it!

So it has been total limbo for the last 2 days. We keep thinking we will go into the clinic and they will make a decision one way or another. Yet we kept going in and they would tell us to take one more night of Gonal F and then decide after an ultra sound the next day. So today after the same decision for the fourth day in a row I asked to speak to my doctor instead of the IVF nurses. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and that I either wanted to convert to an IUI or get on with the retrieval (okay I wasn't that authoratative but I did pussy foot around the subject and I tried to tell them how taxing it has been on me). So although they upped my Gonal F and I am taking it for the 14 consecutive day in a row tonight I am also scheduled to trigger (Unless they call me and my estrogen has bottomed out). We have a plan and I am over the moon excited. I am going to do my best to stay optomistic and although they may only retrieve 3 little eggies I will love those eggs and just be happy they got any. Please keep your fingers crossed for me I am going to need the positive vibes! Our retrieval is booked for Thursday and then the transfer will Sunday...........can we say finally!!!!!!! Yes I really thought about cancelling but after a lot of soul searching and a bit of pressure from my mom and sister I am just going with the flow.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The saga continues

I am learning that I don't have a backbone. I am so easily swayed it isn't even funny. I went into my drs appt today thinking I was putting my foot down and cancelling the cycle and now we are still in limbo. Dr. G says he wants to take one last look tomorrow and then decide if we should give up on the IVF cycle and opt for an IUI. I have a lot of feelings about this and they are running through my head like crazy. I think I might actually know what it feels like to be mentally ill (I am not poking fun I am serious) and to have uncontrolable thoughts jumping into my brain.
So here is the updated follicle situation. At our clinic they expect to only retrieve eggs from follicles that measure at least 2.0 (again I don't know the unit of measure). Generally the follicles grow .2 per day and we have until Tuesday for them to grow. As it stands I have three that look good to go (1.9, 1.8, 1.7), three that are on the verge (1.4, 1.5, 1.6) and two that are a long shot (both 1.2). So I guess if the three that are on the verge grow there .2 or more then my doctor is going to suggest that we continue on to do the retrieval. Otherwise he will suggest an IUI. I am not that stoked about an IUI, because the reason we are doing IVF is because we aren't good candidates for IUI. The stats for women over 35 with Stage IV endometriosis doing IUIs are ridiculously low! I feel like they just do IUIs when IVF is cancelled to keep their patients busy and feeling like there is some hope left.
So those are our options. Try to retrieve between 3-6 eggs or convert to IUI and be more aggressive with the stim drugs next cycle. By the way my sister is insisting that she wants to give me her eggs and she is very serious. I have told her the ugly truth about the process and she says she doesn't care she wants to do it. Her husband has offered to take off time from work the days she has drs appointments and they have already dicussed the details. Hubby and I feel so loved and so much better to think that we have a back up plan. I know that she has offered before but I thought seeing me go through the tears and endless appointments that she would be turned off. She says one month out of her life no matter how uncomfortable it is is worth my lifetime of a happy family. She also mentioned that I could give her a lung or kidney. Then we joked about selling her eggs on the black market to finance her renovation on her house. I have the best family in the world even though they drive me crazy most of the time.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

My dreams are dashed!

Today feels like the worst day of my life. I went to the doctor thinking that I had 6maybe 7 follicles for my retrieval on Tuesday and now there is a 90% chance the cycle will be cancelled. I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and I am just damn sick and tired of this entire situation! I am mad as hell at everyone and everything and mostly at myself. Why did I believe that IVF was the answer to all of my problems? No I didn't expect it to work the first time but I thought at the very least it would be a learning experience. I figured we would get a bunch of follicles, we'd implant a couple and maybe it would or maybe it wouldn't work. Well I don't like what I learned and I am feeling very hopeless. Today we found out that 3 of our 6 follicles from yesterday are not coming along and will not make it to retrieval day. Unless some sort of miracle happens tonight, and I am not affraid of begging and pleading for this miracle. Then tomorrow wer are left deciding if we want to continue the cycle if we only have 3 follicles or should we just call it a day.
Hubby and I have very conflicting feelings about this. I can't handle any more heart break and just want to stop. Plus it seems like flushing away money to retrieve 3 eggs ($5800) and hope for the best. If we stop now we are only out $3000 (My work pays $2000 of it) that we paid in drugs. But if we do the retrieval we are out an extra $5800. I looked up the research and the stats of getting a bfp are very low for women my age (35) who only retrieve 3 eggs. I just think that next time we could skip the birth control pill (apparently my body didn't bounce back from it) and we could start with a higher dose of Gonal F. However, hubby thinks we have put too much into this and that we should follow it through. He is of the mind set that it only takes one egg. The problem with this popular theory is that research proves that women my age who stimulate fewer follicles not only have low ovarian reserve they also have low egg quality. Therefore our chances of having a viable embryo are less too. Hubby thinks we should wait so that we can get more information about our eggs. I just can't even think about how I will feel if I go through the retrieval and then have no eggs to transfer. Or if I am left to transfer low grade embryos and have to go through the BFN again. I will be devasted!
I talked to my parents and they agree with hubby (but remember I am surrounded by sunshinny people that put a positive spin on everything!). My parents have offered to pay for the cycle and say that we should use it as a learning experience. I think they are amazing and that the offer was so generous and filled with love. However, I would rather use that money on a cycle that wasn't doomed from the beginning. Why not wait a month, have a fresh start and see if we can get more follies. Trust me, I will be sure to take them up on the offer of paying for a cycle but I just don't think we should let our emotions get in the way. Yes I have been through a lot this month, yes it would be nice to think that we are still in the game, but no I don't want to be let down again.
At this point unless a miracle happens tomorrow and suddenly the lazy 3 catch up I am leaning towards cancelling the cycle.
What do you ladies think? Please be blunt and don't be affraid of hurting my feelings. I like honesty and I need help!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

and then there were five.....!

Well not what I dreamed about but I guess 5 are better than just one measly follicle. At first I got excited because while I was having the ultra sound the ultra sound teach counted out loud and from what I overheard there were seven on the right side and two on the left. By the way I hate the left because it is where I have the majority of my cycts and this just gives me more reason to hate it. Anyways, when I met with the IVF nurse she said that in fact that I had three on the right and two on the left. They are all measuring approx 1.2 (I don't even know the units of measure). Again I am not totally excited about the results but I don't get any reaction from the IVF nurse. She said that my ovaries have been working hard since Monday and that 5 follicles is absolutely fine. Uh hello lady.....for close to $8,000 fine isn't what I was hoping for. I wanted to be a follicle making machine. The doctor said the goal was 10-15 and I would have liked to have had 16 for good measure. Anyways, like hubby always tells me I am not going to have a pity party. Five is enough to do a retrieval and we only need 2 for transfer day anyways. Also I am thinking that maybe the other follicles the ultra sound tech counted might have been just a bit too small to count and might grow for my appointment tomorrow. At this point I would be over the moon for nine follicles!
Confession- Last night I tried to convince hubby to inject me with all the left over drops in my Gonal F pens. It would have been a total of less than 40 (again I don't know the unit of measure) but it would have made me feel better. He wouldn't do it but I know I can break him. Tonight I am using a pen that has 300 in it and I am only supposed to use 225. I am going to do my best to convince him that we should use the entire pen. I know you are all thinking I am crazy...and you are correct. I am baby crazy and in my opinion the doctors are just guessing my dosage. Come on I produced 9 follicles on my own with no meds during my observation cycle (and that was on day 3!).
I wish everyone else a very successful month whether you are cycling or not!

Monday, November 22, 2010

One Freakin Follicle

Tell me I didn't go through all of this for one freakin follicle. I have been on Superfact since Nov 8 and just finished four days of Gonal F. I have no idea what day that makes me in my cycle (for some reason I think maybe 5 but I could be making that up) and I only have one follicle. This can't be good! Does that mean all that money I have spent on meds has been for nothing. What annoys me further is that when I was at the clinic this morning they acted like it was normal but then called my husband in the afternoon to say that they needed to up my dose of Gonal F.....no kidding Sherlock. Why the He** didn't they figure that out while I was at the clinic and why did they sell my another Gonal F pen that was for the wrong dosage. So my husband had try drive 2 hours (one each way) to go pick up the right dose for tonight. So anyways now I have gone from 150 to 225 of Gonal F per day. The most ridiculous thing is they won't let me return the pen that they sold me this morning. They said instead they will combine the left overs from varioius pens to create a full dosage......seems ghetto to me!
I think today might be the first day that I let my hormones affect me at school. I know that the stress of IVF has been what caused Hubby and I to fight lately but I didn't think it was directly related to my hormones. It has been more about the pressure I feel surrounding the whole process. But today I was a bitch. My kids were just being kids but I couldn't take it and got mad at them for flipping pages in their binders. Um.....not exactley teacher of the year...haha. I guess it could have been worse.
Anyways thanks for all the support and I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who doesn't have a saint for a husband. I know he is trying he just needs to up his game. Driving to the clinic today definitely earned him some extra points. As far as the perv of an accupuncturist I have decided to take DH to the next appointment. That way hubby is more involved and Dr. Perv can back off!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Trying the Postive thing.....still fighting with hubby

Everyone keeps telling me that this is a stressful time in my life and that fighting with the hubby is to be expected. Basically they are telling me to cut hubby some slack. I guess I am just way too stubborn for my own good. I will give in but it really isn't in my nature. We kind of made up from our previous fight over the lasagna/preggo co-worker but that was short lived. I have a very short fuse right now so I think my silent treatment is just the tip of the iceburg. So basically fight #2 was over my Gonal F shot. Hubby knows that I can't give the shot to myself (I faint when giving blood) so when I started my shots on Thursday night I mentioned to hubby (who I have barely been talking to) that they had to be taken around the same time every night. Hubby didn't seem to have any reaction to what I said and proceeded to shoot me up. So then about an hour later when things between us seemed to be going much better he announces that he has a work Christmas Party to go to on Friday night (that he has never mentioned before). So basically what he is saying is that he will be out all night and I am Shit out of luck as far as the shot goes. This frustrates me to no end because he minimalizes the situation and says just give it to yourself. Oh sure, why didn't I think of that.....ah freakin asshole...I can't do it! So I had to drive an hour to my sister's house to have her inject me. His excuse for not telling me about the party was that we weren't speaking anyways and that the shot is no big deal. Got it, I am in this alone!
On another note I think my accupuncturist might be a pervert. No seriously the first time we met he was way too casual and I am 100% sure I caught him looking at my boobs. This is bizarre because I barely have any but I did catch him with locked eyes on my little beauties. Then yesterday I had lovered my pants for him to insert the needles in my tummy and he unbottoned my pants and zipped my pants all the way down. Um so low that my pubs were exposed, correct me if I am wrong an accupuncturist isn't a real doctor. Plus even my own doctor tells me to unzip my pants he doesn't just do it himself. The entire experience just seems to be really seedy. He swears a lot and talks about his personal life like we are old pals. Before each appointment we meet in his office and I feel like I am at a bar being hit on. Seriously it is just weird. The thing is, he is reasonably priced and I really want accupuncture on the day of the transfer. Plus, I don't think at this point I could find anyone else to come to my clinic with this short notice. Trust me if this cycle doesn't work I will not be using him next cycle.
Anyways I have been trying to be positive which is kind of a struggle for me because I am a realist, knowing the statistics of getting preggo on your first round of IVF I just don't want to get let down.
So to keep positive and to have fun with this process today I compiled a list of possible baby names. Actually I don't even know if I like half of them but it was fun to do. So here they are:
Boys Names
Aiden,Bennett,Baxter,Emerson,Grayden,Hayden,Holden,Jackson,Oliver,Payton,
Paxton,Phoeix,Preston,Tate,William,Xavier
Girls Names
Scarlett,Savannah,Addyson,Lennox,Farrah,Quinn,Aubrey,Avery,Bryony,Charlize,Chloe
Zoe,Delaney,Laney,Laine,Grace,Harlow,Hazel,Layla,Lola,Maeve,Maya,Carly,Mia,
Caprice,Sadie

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Always on my mind

So I am in a bad mood tonight. I actually had a relatively productive day at school and wasn't set off until the very end of the day. It was finally confirmed that yes my collegue (friend) is 4 months pregnant. I am not 100% sure why but I am definitely annoyed. I called a mutual friend and asked her if I was completely off my rocker. She seemed to think my feeling were valid. My point is simply this, it would have been nice for her to tell me (which she still hasn't) personally that she was pregant. The reason it bothers me is because she has been super curious throughout my IVF process and throughout all her questioning it might have been nice for her to have given me the heads up on her pregnancy. Back to this in a second.
Then when I got home from school Hubby was in the kitchen making sandwiches for dinner (he made me one for dinner last night and another to take in my lunch today). Seriously the last thing I wanted to eat was a freakin sandwich. Hubby can be sensitive and truth be told he doesn't like to deviate from whatever he considers to be a suitable plan. You see being that we are only a two person family food often goes to waste. He doesn't do the grocery shopping very often so generally he doesn't know what goes to waste. This week however he did the grocery shopping. One of the things he bought was a frozen lasagna which we made for dinner on Saturday night. We had it Saturday night and then Sunday for lunch even though I am not a huge fan of left overs, Then he had it for lunch on Monday but I was not into it. He seemed bound and determined that we would in fact eat every piece of that lasagne. I know what you are thinking, hubby is cheap. This is not the fact, he loves to eat out. He doesn't check prices at restaurants there is more to this. I think it is control and because he has it in his head suddenly that we are wasting things he has to make a change and he will eat that entire lasagne and now the sandwich meat. Well good for him, I am not eating anymore sandwiches or lasagna. So as he ate his tired old sandwich I had chicken pot pie, which was delicious by the way. He told me that if I wanted to waste food it was up to me. Well that was a no brainer!
So back to the Preggo Drama Queen. When I told Hubby that I thought it was inconsiderate of her not to come to me. Hubby was less then supportive. He told me to get over it, that other people get pregnant and that it just wasn't about me. Well of course her pregnancy isn't about me and I will get over it I just wanted him to say she sucks and then on with the night. That however, will never happen from my husband. He will never look over at me and admit that my infertility sucks. He says it is fine and that we are going to get through it. I know that we will make it through it, but come on just one time can't he just say it sucks dirty hairy balls. Maybe I need to stick Wanda up his ass a couple of times, inject dye into the tip of his penis, and inject him with hormones. I am sick of his looks that tell me to get over it. He glazes over when the doctors talk to us. There is no bloody way he even knows what a freakin follicle is. Seriously this guy could not even tell you when pr how a woman ovulates. All he knows is his wife complains a lot more than any of his previous girlfriends.
Now that I am venting I will also mention that when I do try to "stay positive' and allow myself to day dream about having a baby he shoots me down. He will not indulge in any baby talk at all. I have tried, lord have I tried anything and everything. He refuses to even discuss baby names. When we were deciding if we would pursue IVF I had to send him an itemized email addressing all of the decisions that needed to be made to get a specific response. Otherwise he just tells me to make the decision.
He won't even entertain the idea of adoption or foster care....why the heck would he be, IVF isn't really any inconvenience to him. He doesn't even technically have to pay any $$$ towards it. Yes I get it, when you are married you share money, but our money that has been reserved for IVF is actually the money my grandmother left me in her will. It has always been in an investment under my name.
Okay, my final bitch fest. I have a bladder infection which freaks the heck out of me. My regular doctor told me that infections can lead to miscarriages and that is just not what I want to hear!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Aunt Flo is mad at me

I still don't know if it is the hormone injections or the accupuncture but my period is here and it is making itself known. At my last IVF consult I was told from now on I can only take Tylenol which sounds reasonible....reasonible to someone who doesn't have Endometriosis. I need my drugs!!!! I am in pain and unless I take the entire bottle of Tylenol it isn't going to help.
Hopefully it is a short one!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

She came early!!!

I am a bit confused I am on CD 25 and got my period today. I am not sure if it is because I finished my BC pills Wednesday or if the accupuncture brought it on early. I am just worried that my Day 0 ultra sound is now scheduled too late. They based it on my 28 day so this is why I am wondering. I also think they consider Dr G's schedule (heaven forbid he have to come in on the weekend!). Hopefully it doesn't matter because I am taking the Superfact anyways.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Getting poked....and not in the good way!

So I started my Superfact injections on Monday and I still haven't been able to put the needle in myself. I feel like such a baby because the needle is so small and it is painless, I just can't bring myself to doing it.
Today was my first time at accupuncture. I have been thinking about doing it forever but I have to be honest I wasn't 100% sure if I thought it would make a difference. A parent at my school who has endometriosis too is confident that her two sons are the result of accupuncture so I gave in and decided it couldn't hurt. I don't have any insurance coverage for it and with the cost of the IVF this month I have decided to limit the amount of times I am going (I hope that isn't the wrong decision). I am going to go every Friday for the next 3 weeks and then on embryo transfer day the accupunturist sugggests going before and after. The total cost will be around $450 which doesn't seem terrible considering all of the other related expenses. I am not sure how authentic my treatment was (I am sorry to say it and I don't mean to offend anyone but I would have preferred an asian doctor performing the accupuncture). I hope this guy knows what he is doing because he only put in 8 little needle things and I really didn't feel anything. The only thing I noticed was that I have period like cramps. However, that could be because I am expecting my period in the next couple of days....haha
So I am pretty sure a girl at work in pregnant. I actually went to Teacher's College with her and we are friends (kind of) outside of school. She knows that I have been trying to get pregnant and always asks me for the update on what fertility treatment I am pursuing this week. I am guessing that she is pregnant for a couple of reasons. The first reason I think she is preggo is because she a significant ponch. I also have a ponch but she is much thinnner and very aware of her physical appearance. Yesterday in the staff rooom she was wearing a form fitting shirt and her hands were cupping her belly the way that only preggo women do. The second reason I think it is possible is because when she was pregnant with her 2 year old daughter she did not tell anyone at work for 5 months. She is a bit of a drama queen (she is actually the drama teacher) and loves attention. Being a teacher is a lot like still being in high school and people gossip about everything. I have no doubt that she heard the talk last time and loved every minute of it. Years ago there were rumours that she was bonking the gym teacher and she loved the attention. I am actually kind of pissed at her. She loves asking me about my troubles. She gives me the head tilted sighs and in my perverse head she gets some pleasure out of my pain. She seems to go out of her way to flag me down in the parking lot to check out her daughters latest outfit or new word. I smile and move along quickly but she must see how uncomfortable it makes me. Okay back to my issue with her not telling me. Clearly I know that her pregnancy isn't about me but surely to god she will have the decency to pull me aside give me the old head tilt and tell me her splendid news. Instead here I am with everyone else guessing behind her back and listening to people putting together clues trying to figure out if she is in fact going to experience the miracle of life once again.
By the way Juno is on again and I LOVE IT!!! I swear if it wasn't for "Sixteen and Pregnant", "I didn't know I was Pregnant", and "Juno" I don't know how I would torture myself.
My next appointment is Nov 18 and that is where I will get my Gonal F and the butt plugs. I called the clinic and they provided me with more research that did confirm that the best way to take progesterone is in the anal canal, so yes I will in fact be swollowing my pride and shoving a melting goo pellet up my buttocks.
Sorry for my agressive email I did mention that I am on injectibles so that is my disclaimer!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

In the Butt!!!!

Um......how come I didn't know that my progesterone was going to be an anal suppository. You ladies amaze me,you take everything in stride. I feel like such a suck because I am in fact disgusted.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

More support for the 3 versus 5 day transfer (Not that it is my opinion)

Dr. Smith replies again
You're right that many programs will transfer the embryos on day 3 when they are concerned that the embryos may not develop to the blastocyst stage. HOWEVER, its not because they feel the embryos will do better in the uterus. They know there's no scientific evidence to back up this assumption. It is because they do not want to face the patient and infom them their embryos failed to reach the blastocyst stage. They are afraid that you will think the embryos failed to grow because of suboptimal lab conditions. As I explained, the embryos fail to reach the blastocyst stage because they are genetically incapable of doing so, not because anything anybody did or didn't do. In our program, we attempt to grow ALL embryos to the blastocyst stage. We have at least 1 blastocyst stage embryo for transfer 96% of the time.

You'll notice in your research into the pactices of other programs that no programs claim that their pregnancy rates improve when failing embryos are transferred to the uterus on day 3. The rationale for a day 3 transfer is to get out from under the "blame" for the failing embryos. By transferring failing embryos on day 3, the program also transfers the responsibility for the subsequent failed cycle to the patient. It is a subtle manipulation of the patient's emotions. Here's the scenario: "We're so sorry the cycle didn't work, but you know the embryos were still growing when we transferred them. We don't know what you did to them afterwords. Wanna try again?" Using this pyschological manipulation, it becomes the patient's fault the cycle didn't work, not the programs's. See how it works?

My continuing debate on 3 versus 5 day transfer

Dr Smith replies:
You are correct that only the embryos that make it to the blastocyst stage (and beyond) can generate a succesful IVF pregnancy. In my lab, and many others, all embryos are grown to the blastocyst stage and only well developed blastocyst stage embryos are transferred to the uterus on day 5 or 6. Extra embryos are cryopreserved at the blastocyst stage.

Why aren't all programs doing this? There are numerous reasons for continuing to perform day three transfers: its cheaper, its less work for the lab, lower liability because the lab has the embryos for a shorter period of time, everybody makes it to transfer, if the cycle doesn't result in a pregnancy, the program can still look good, etc. You'll notice I didn't say anything about a day 3 transfer improving your chances of getting pregnant - it doesn't. The reason programs continue to transfer day 3 embryos is because its more convenient for the lab and the docs.

However, growing the embryos to the blastocyst stage prior to transfer does not automatically result in a pregnancy. Because the embryos have reached the blastocyst stage prior to transfer, its reasonable to assume the embryos a capable of implantation. BUT the embryos are transferred to the uterine cavity and they still must attached to the uterine wall (endometrium) and continue the implantation process for 10 ten days before a "pregnancy" is established. The attachement and implantation processes are currently beyond our control and these represent the crap-shoot in all of this.

At least with blastocyst stage embryo transfer you know the embryos are capable of implantation. When day 3 transfers are performed, its completely uncertain as to whether or not the embryos made it to the blastocyst stage (unless there's a pregnancy). If you don't become pregnant, you're left hanging. What went wrong? Were my embryos O.K.? Should I do this again??? Of course, your doc's answer will likely be "Yes" since that keeps him in business. As you can see, there's a potential sinister side to day 3 transfers...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

3 or 5 day transfer??????

Please help me. I don't really get the difference between having a 3 or 5 day transfer but I know people are passionate about it. I have had 3 people in the last week tell me I have to do a 5 day transfer but my clinic generally does 3 day transfers. My fear is that if I wait until 5 days they will all have expired (if I have any embryos that is). My other fear is that they will transfer embryos at 3 days that aren't viable. A friend of a friend was telling me she did 3 rounds of unsuccessful IVF that were 3 day transfers and then when she waited for a 5 day transfer she had success. I am so easily swayed, now I am obsessed with a 5 day transfer. In my head I have decided if I have more than 6 good looking embryos I want to wait until day 5. Am I crazy?????
Any input would be great!!!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Get your hands off my cervix!!!!!

Okay, so every time I have a procedure that involves anyone going near my cervix I feel like I am going to freakin die!!! It hurts so badly that I start crying immediately, I swear like a sailor, and I have the biggest urge to kick the closest doctor. Today was no different I had what most people would consider a routine Pap and I didn't even make it through it. Actually although I have had adverse reactions to paps before, it has never been like this. Usually the only painful part is when they "pinch" my ovaries. This time when she was trying to "take a peek" at my cervix I could not handle it. I have what has been referred to as of lately as a turned cervix and it is so painful. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if so is it an indication of something more serious. At this point I feel like all of the doctors in my life are less than forthcoming so I am a bit worried. So basically the doctor tried 3 different times to look at my cervix and then she refused to go on because of my pain.
Okay on a somewhat related topic does anyone else sick of being the sick wife. My husband asked me today (in more delicate words) if I thought I would ever be physically normal and pain free. Now don't get me wrong, I go to work, have a social life, and am generally healthy but my endo causes almost constant pain. Every day of the week I have sharp shooting pains and a tender abdomen. During my period I am in a shit load of pain (cramping, upset tummy, backache, shooting pains down my legs etc..). I try to keep my complaining to a minimum but it is hard to go unnoticed. I am either running to the toilet for a bathroom emergency or when my cramps are so bad, to throw up. I am physically drained for atleast one month a month. No kidding my husband wants to know if I will ever be normal. I don't even know the answer. I guess maybe if I had everytihng removed from my lady parts but that wouldn't solve my problems it would just give me new ones!
Wow, what a bummer I am tonight. It could be because I have report cards due Monday and that's never fun.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Timeline

This is an estimated timeline for the next 2 months
Oct 30- Pap
Nov 2-Appointment with IVF consultant (payment and pick up drugs) *
Nov 7-Start injections Superfact/GNRH/Lupron
Nov 20-Should get period
Nov 21-FSH injections
Nov 25 Start daily blood tests
Nov 30-Start daily Ultra sounds to see how follicles are developing
Dec 2- HSG shot
Dec 4- Egg retrival
Dec 7-Embryo Transfer
Dec 19- Home Pregnancy Test
Dec 20-Beta at clinic
Jan 3-Ultra sound and beta

In for it!!!!!

I have been trying to keep my emotions at bay and not pin my hopes on my upcoming IVF. I have been limiting my google access because most of my searches involve baby related information.
I know that it isn't practical to think that with my egg quality and endometriosis that I will get preggo on my first attempt. However, I am sitting here thinking of possible baby names, imagining myself setting up a nursery, and snuggling with my babies. I have even been entertaining the thought of having twins. Why can't I control my thoughts, this is not healthy. I have promised myself not to do this.
I thought I was doing okay but who am I kidding. My attempts to become detached during ultra sounds and doctors appointments have become short lived. I tried not to even listen to follicle counts and measurements but now I am obsessing over that kind of information.
I was trying not to obsesses but I can't help myself.I need some insight. At my appointment this past Friday (Day 4) they told me that I have 5 follicles on my right side and four on my right side. I don't remember the measurements but they said they look to be an appropriate size. Is this good or bad? I actually didn't know they were going to talk about follicles. This is the month that I am on the pill and I don't start my injections until November 7 (isn't that when I should care about follicles). Will the follicles they see now be viable in Decemeber?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Update

So I haven't really felt like writing lately. Mostly because I have been busy with school but also because nothing much is new. We decided not to do the study and we have had our first consultation regarding IVF. I still don't really understand the timeline but it sounds like if all went well we could be pregnant the 2/3 week of December. I am super excited but also very realistic. I have read so many blogs and I know that IVF is not a definite especially with my endometriosis. Ugh....as I am writing this it has just occured to me that I put my birth control pill out with the garbage ( I bet is was my subconscience agression). Now I have to go out to the garage and wade through the most disgusting bag of garbage I have seen in a long time...we had pasta and seafood last night and I dumped the extra sauce into the bag!!!! I can't concentrate until I get those freakin pills

Friday, September 24, 2010

The saga continues

I have been busy at school getting back into the swing of things. I am always surprised how long it takes for things to fall into place. The kiddies are still in shock with the changes from last year (this is the first year they change classrooms for various subjects). I feel like it is taken a bit longer to bond with this group but I seem to remember thinking that last year.
On the baby making front we decided not to do the study. We just didnt think it was the right fit for us. We went back to talk to our fertility clinic that we have been with for the past year and we are going for our first IVF consult on Oct 4. I actually feel better about the clinic because hubby came with me and I finally got most of my questions answered (although I still think the doctor has no idea who I am). He also assured us that hubby's sperm is excellent. I have read and he confirmed without my prompting that all labs have different criteria and they have consider anything over 3% great and generally never see over 4%.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Cost of Fertility Drugs

Hi,
I am trying to figure out the exact (or close to) amount that the study is covering by paying for the drugs. Here is the list that they are covering:
1.Suprefact 2 vials ($56x2=$112)
2.Gonal F 2 vials (1020x2=$2040)
3.Endometrin 100 mg (100 pills x 2=$200)
4. HCG 10, 000 iu- 1 vial ($100)
Total coverage
approx $2500
***These prices are quoted from a localfertility pharmacy in my neighbourhood but the prices were from 2008 so I am sure they have gone up.
ww.glenshieldspharmacy.com

Advice

Hi,
I thought I would write down the questions we need to decide regarding IVF to make the best decision. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INPUT :)

1. Should we implant 1 or 2 embryos?
If you impant 1 embryo you have less chance of becoming pregnant. If you implant 2 embryos you have a 13% chance of having twins (only 40% of IVF attempts end up with a successful pregnancy and 34% of those are twins). If you end up in the 13% and get pregnant with twins you are more likely to have complications (early labour, unable to carry the babies to term, birth defects, pre-eclampsia

2. Should we participate in the study?
They cover the costs of the medications (about $3000 worth). They only implant 1 embryo. If I did IVF outiside of this study I would probably be put on Lupron (it will reduce the size of my current cysts). By the way I have $2000 dollars worth of coverage for 2010 from work that would go towards the medication if I do not participate in the study. Another thing to consider is that I wanted to take the drug that the study is investigating anyways, if I am in the study I have to risk my chances of being in the placebo group. If I take the Lupron somewhere else it will cost approx $2000 extra but it might be benefitial.

3. Do I stay with Dr G? I am very frustrated that it takes so long to get an appointment. I think he is very nice but when I meet with him he seems to be in a rush. I am angry that he potentially gave us wrong information regarding the sperm analysis. It is not a convenient location. However, I do not want to go through all of the preliminary tests again and waste more time.

I would really appreciate any input. I know there is no clear answer but I would love to hear your opinions.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Explosion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously people my head is going to blow up. I am so freaking mad, frustrated and disappointed. So needless to say the study does not cover IVF just the medications that we would be taking. Now I have some tough decisions to make.....ugh!! I suck at making decisions and this isn't a small one. First I have to figure out what medications I would be paying for (if I did IVF outside of the study). Does anyone know the names and amounts of the prescribed medications that an endo girl of mature age like myself would have to take? Then I have to decide if the money I save on the drugs makes up for the fact that the study only allows me to implant 1 embryo. How many embryos do most people implant? I had always thought we would try two! Is there a big difference in success rate in single versus double transfers?
Now the thing that pisses me off is that after all of this time this new fertility doctor mentions that G's sperm Morphology sucks. He says it should be over 30% and it is only 6% good sperm. Although I looked it up online and read various things, some saying anywhere from 2%-6% was normal and others saying that 30%-50% was normal.
Please let me know what you have been told is normal?

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Jealous

So I think I might have a really bad case of jealousy and that just isn't very attractive on anyone. So two years ago when I was teaching Grade 5 I had a "team teacher". Basically this just means that she teaches the same things as me and the classroom next to mine. We were supposed to collaborate and work together to stay at the same pace and cover the same things. Let's just say this didn't happen and she is now moving up to grade 7 and we will be teaching grade 7 together.
When we taught together before she had taught Grade 5 before and she was not very helpful. I am the kind of person (I am not sure if this is good or bad) that gets a new class/grade and reads all of the material and brainstorms about ways to bring the curriculum alive. In my opinion she is the kind of teacher that takes what the teacher had planned from the year before and just does every lesson the way the other teacher did it. She photocopies their worksheets and has the kids work along in a duotang (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz). At first I would ask her what she thought about doing this or doing that and she would always say sure whatever you want. I realized that I was revamping things and she had no input and then when I went to explain what I was thinking she couldn't follow along what I was doing. It took so much time to explain things that it became a job just to let her know what I was doing and how I was doing it. To be honest I just couldn't be bothered. There was never any give and take and on the very very rare occasion when she came up with an idea she would just mention the idea, never cultivate it and never have any follow through. She would say something like I think we should do tissue paper pumpkins. Then I would ask her if she had a lesson plan or any ideas how we would teach the lesson. She would just sit there and look at me with a blank stare. So I would go out and buy the tissue, cut the strips for both classes and then she would ask me if that was all I had cut. Finally I just had enough and I started to do my own thing. At first it was awkward because she would ask what we were doing for art/social studies/science etc. and I would say things like " I was thinking of doing ________ with my class". Then I would show her what I bought and tell her where I got the stuff. I know I could have just as easily picked up stuff for her but I guess I am petty.
On a personal note I just don't like her (wow, I am not nice). She is so different from what you would expect. Looking at her you would think she was a young hip teacher full of ideas but I just don't see that. She always says things like "that sounds like a lot of work" when we are brainstorming ideas in meetings.
Did I mention I will be working with her again this year. She has already asked the previous teacher repeatedly for her memory stick (heaven forbid she write a test or an assignment). Of course I understand her wanting to see what other people have done but I can just see her lazy wheels turning. She is just someone who piggy backs on others and I hate that. She literally had the same thing on her bulletin boards for 3 years. I was so embarassed for her when a parent asked her, while pointing at some work that was displayed, who James was. When she said he was a kid in her class from 3 years ago I was so embarassed for her and the school. Seriously most teachers change their boards with every major art project but at the least you change them when there are major season changes. You would feel pretty ridiculous with Christmas trees up in June.
So why do I even care???? How does she influence me??? Here it is ladies the root of the root. I hate that she is the cool teacher. That's right it's because I am usually the cool teacher. I try to include lots of hands on fun lessons that utilize group work,teachnology, drama, role playing, etc. She on the other hand doesn't bother to plan and does boring meaningless lessons (wow, I am bitter) but bribes them by taking them to McDonalds and then taking them out to play kick ball so they think she is the best. Plus she talks to them like they are her friends. She shows them pictures of the guys she is dating on her phone and gives them basic details about her love life. She even tells them when she gets her period and has to go to the bathroom. Um can we say unprofessional....or maybe I am just a boring old dud.

Psychic

Okay I am not really psychic....... or am I. I know this is weird to say but I always knew I was going to be infertile. I literally always got a feeling in the pit of my stomach when people would talk about how terrible it would be to have problems conceiving. I just knew somewhere deep inside that, that was going to be the fight I was going to have to fight.
A while ago I read someones blog that mentioned that they could not envision herself with a child. She was going through all of the treatments but couldn't see it in her head. This also scares me because I used to picture myself being pregnant and having a newborn but I no longer have dreams about this. I am not sure if this is just because I am blocking it so that I don't torture myself or if it has a deeper meaning.
I can't even mention another vision that I have because it is literally morbid and I don't even want to say it because that is just bad luck.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Back to Business

Well summer vacation is officially over. Starting tomorrow I will be back in the classroom although the kids don`t start until after Labour Day long weekend. I have tons to do but I am feeling calm. This is my first year that I get to keep the same classroom and teach the same grade. Although I have to redo most of my bulletin boards the task seems less daunting than previous years.
Something that has been constantly on my mind is this study that I might be eligible for. I am not counting on it because it is such a long shot but I know I will be disappointed if I don`t qualify for it. It is hard to swallow that having my birthday too month later might exclude me from $30,000-$40,000 worth of medical care. Either way though I really want to get IVF underway. I hate this limbo and I need to be doing something proactive in my quest to conceive.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Acupuncture

So I mentioned before that I am planning to do some acupuncture when we do IVF. I called today to get more information and was a bit shocked. Let me start by saying I am a skeptic by nature (not about whether acupuncture will work but about people swindling me). So I talked to a bunch of different acupuncturists and got different prices and plans from each of them. The women that seemed the most knowledgable suggested that we do 5 treatments in the next week (with a price tag of $500). Is this normal? Should I start this early if I am not doing IVF for a couple of months? Can I just wait until I am doing IVF to get acupuncture?

Some Warning Please!!!

So I went wedding dress shopping with one of my girlfriends and let's just say it was not what I expected. First she was late and conveniently the dress boutique was right next to a mommy and baby yoga studio. There was a sea of colourful Bugaboo strollers in every direction (although they were mostly being pushed by nannies). When she finally arrived 20 mins late she notified me that her friend was joining us. This had me start to panic right away because this friend just had a baby 6 weeks ago. I have never met her but she also has endometriosis(mild case) and had a laproscopic so my friend always updates me on how maybe I will be lucky like her. She was one of those mythical women that got pregnant the month after her surgery.
I felt awkward as they fawned over the baby and discussed child birth, pregnancy and how life is so different with a baby. She just couldn't believe how her memory has gone since she had her little angel(no kidding because you should remember from your minute of infertility that the last thing I want to hear about is your little miracle).
Grr!!!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

What Hubby Should Have Said!

So we have a wedding coming up (not until October) in New Brunswick and I mentioned to DH that I was nervous to go because I have gained a lot of weight (I weighed 128 when we got married and now I am 145). I thought he would say don't be crazy you are beautiful and look great or something along those lines. However as always he pointed out that I had 2 months to get in shape and hit the gym. Grr...I know it is the truth but I wish he would just make me feel great about the way I am. Of course what is in the back of my head is how much he used to tell me how he loved my flat stomach (which is no longer). He used to trace my belly button for hours now I swat him away because he hands seem to sit on my pooch. What is totally annoying is he never wants to go out and get active together. I would love to go for nightly walks but he is always so tired from working all day (understandably because he works 11 hours most days). Plus his absolute favourite thing to do is go out for dinner. Not only that he always stops on his way home from work and grabs "treats". How do you say no when someone shows up with a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Hint, hint DH if you want a skinny wife stop ordering extra butter on your popcorn and getting candy to go with that large popcorn!!!

Lots of Kid Time Lately!!!

I have had a pretty busy weekend. I got to babysit my one year old nephew Cole on Thursday night and then my one year old neice Ruby on Saturday. They are both so adorable and I loved rocking them to sleep and playing with them. I also met up with one of my girlfriends and her daughter on Friday. We played and I got to read her bedtime stories, she is so smart and adorable. It's funny because although I hate being around pregnant ladies I love hanging out with kids. For some reason I can handle it and it makes me feel reassured that one day I will make a great mom(who knows when and how).

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Fingers Crossed

I am trying not to get excited but something has come to my attention that is making me think something great might have fallen into my lap. I have the tendency to jump five steps ahead in everything I do and get myself all worked up for nothing so I am trying really hard not to do this. So here it is......I was researching how Coenzyme Q10 (one of the suppliments I was planning to take during IVF) influences egg quality during IVF and a research study popped up. It couldn't be more perfect because it is investigating to see if women over 35 who use Coenzyme Q10 have more success in IVF. Uh, that could be me!!!! It turns out that the doctor who is running the study works out of a clinic right near my school so I emailed him to see if he still needed participants for his study (because don't they cover the cost of IVF in studies???). So I emailed the doctor and he said infact they were still looking for a few couples (although they are almost finished screening participants). So I immediately called my fertility clinic and requested for them to fax my information over to the other clinic. I am going crazy wondering if I am a good fit for the study. The truth is my birthday to turn 35 is in 2 months but hopefully they won't notice right away. The fact is that the study requires you to take 2 months of Q10 so the IVF wouldn't be until after I am already 35.
I am driving myself crazy obsessing over this. Did my clinic get their slow moving asses in gear and actually fax the information? Did they remember to send G's too? Why hasn't the research doctor called me?
Well I guess I have 2 weeks to wait to see if I am a fit because the doctor told me in the email they will be setting up the final interviews for participants in the next 2 weeks.
Anyways, I have probably cursed this by even mentioning it but I am so bad at secrets. I always warn people when I become friends with them that I am not a good secret keeper. I don't do it maliciously I just get excited and have no self control.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Eastern Medicine

Hi Ladies,
I have been doing some reading on egg quality and I am interested in all of the Eastern Medical approaches. When we do IVF I am definitely going to do acupunture but I also want to do some suppliments to increase my chances of getting a BFP. Although I have read that any changes in diet and lifestyle take 4 months to positively effect my eggs I think it is better to start now than never. I have read a couple of other people's blogs and found some suppliments that might help. I would love input if there is anything missing on my list.
1. Prenatal vitamins
2. Fish Oil (reduce the growth of endo)
3. Wheatgrass
4. Coenzyme Q10
5. Vitamin D
6. Vitamin C
7. Royal Jelly
8. Folic Acid

Friday, August 13, 2010

Melt Down

Well I had an absolute melt down today. First of all I hadn't left the house since I got home from my drs appointment. Actually I really hadn't even left the couch. I was exhausted (probably from over sleeping and doing nothing). Hubby came home from work and I mentioned that I had sent the dr an email. He only half listened and shrugged his shoulders and I snapped. I feel like I am so much more invested in this process then him and he just goes with the flow. I know in my brain that it would be dangerous if we were both obsessed but some more interest would be nice. So I just shut down. I started sobbing left the room and headed to our bed to hide under the covers. Of course hubby followed me and apologized for not being more sensitive but I couldn't get myself together. I think I am having a mental break down. We were supposed to go to his brothers for dinner (who has a one year old) so I told him I wasn't going. He said he understood but that he felt he should stay home too. Eventually I settled down and begged him to go without me. I just don't want his family to judge us and think we flake out on plans. The reason I didn't want to go is because his brother always makes it sound like it is just us for dinner and then a bunch of couples (with kids) show up. We are always the odd people out. All of the women talk about kids and pregnancy and I feel trapped. Plus my SIL's best friend just had a baby less than a month ago so I didn't really want to hear "the birth story". Anyways, hubby asked me if I was comfortable going if we were the only ones going, when I replied yes he texted his brother. I was mortified thinking he said I was only coming if it was just us but he was much more clever than that. We were responsible for desert so he just asked how many people we needed to feed. To my great surprise we were the only people there and we had a nice time (no baby talk!!!).
Tomorrow I have my neice and nephew for a sleepover so it should be fun. I am going to take them bowling, to glow in the dark mini golfing, and then to pizza hut. It should be fun, so wish me luck!

Letter to my doctor

Hi,
Thanks to the support of my fellow bloggers I have decided to try and be more proactive in this process. I have taken Kathleen's suggestion and insisted on emailing my doctor about my concerns and requests. Now how succussful it will be is still unknown. He doesn't have a public direct email but I have sent a message through the general inquiry section on the website (as suggested by his nurse) with attention to my doctor.

Dear Dr. G

I am following up regarding our appointment yesterday. My husband and I have discussed moving on to IVF at length and are ready to do so now regardless of if my tubes are blocked. We are interested in expediting this process. Instead of waiting another 6 weeks for test results we are requesting to schedule the necessary appointments now. We would like to get the process of IVF underway sooner than later.
We have scheduled the appointments you have requested and will be in to see you on September 22.
I hope that you can understand the sense of urgency to move this process along in a more timely manner.
Thank you for your understanding,
Kelly

Please let me know what you ladies think of the letter

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The stages of grief

Is it possible to go through the stages of grief in less than 2 hours? I feel like I have. I had my doctors appointment and again I did not get any of my questions answered. I am so mad at myself but more mad at my doctor. I am beginning to think he is intenionally trying to cut my off and rush me out (I know I sound naive). I have always had so much faith in my doctor. Mostly because we have a family connection and he knows my dad through golf so I figured I was getting some sort of personal care. However, it really doesn't seem that way anymore. He never remembers anything about my previous appointments and where we are in the process to conceive. Today he actually asked me if we wanted to start thinking about conceiving after we know now how severe the endo is. Uh no shit Sherlock, that's how we found the endo in the first place!!!!!!!! Then he asked about the pain from recovering from my surgery. By the way I have seen him twice since my surgery and we have discussed it both times. Not only that but he stands in the doorway and doesn't even sit while we are talking. So here's how the appointment went from what I can remember. Hi Kelly (me) how are you dealing with your pain? This confused me because the last time I met with him I had told him there was no pain. Although since then I have started to have pain so I felt like I had to remind him that it has just started in the last month. Then he asked if I wanted to consider trying to conceive, and I gulped down hard and said and I would like to be very aggressive. He said we should do an x-ray to see if my tubes are blocked. I reminded him that I had, had an HSG before the surgery and that both my tubes were clear. He seemed confused but continued on and said that there were some abnormalities. I asked if he meant with my tubes and then he said your surgery yielded much more severe endo than we had anticipated. I asked what kind of abnormalities again and he said there was lots of scar tissue. Then I asked him if I could have an ultra sound to see if I had more cysts because I am having lots of pains. He agreed and he said that we will get together again in 6 weeks once we get the results from the x-rays of my tubes and the ultra sound. He said once we know if the tubes are blocked we can make a plan. I started to ask my list of questions and he said to save them until we have all of the facts. I felt like he was blowing me off!!
Now I have an entirely new list of questions: Did anyone else have another HSG after surgery? Do tubes block from having surgery to remove endo????? Why would we have done the surgery then? Can your tubes become malformed in 4 months?? What did he mean by abnormalities? Why didn't he mention these abnormalities before???
When he said we will make a plan after we find out if my tubes are blocked he mentioned that if they are blocked we will go right to IVF (obviously!!!!). Then he said even if they aren't blocked we can discuss IVF because it might be the best avenue. What about my fucking egg quality?????? Why didn't he answer that question? Why do I always have to wait?????

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My list for the Fertility Dr.

1. I have stabbing pains in both my ovaries again
2. I also get shooting pains throughout the month from my ovaries down to my vajayjay
3. Plus I have pins and needles in my vajajay off and on
4. I want to take a more aggressive approach
5. What can be done to improve my egg quality?
6. Should I have a ultra-sound to see if my cysts/endometriomas are back?
7. Do you think Clomid would be helpful?
8. Would an IUI be a good avenue for me even though I have "bad eggs"?
9. Do you think we should just go straight to IVF?
10. Should I be thinking about finding an egg donor or is that premature?
11. GIVE ME DRUGS AND LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts

It's funny because I am more exhausted now then when I am teaching. I have no idea why I am so tired but G seems to think it is because my usual schedule is off. I have been "busy" although the things I have been doing aren't terribly constructive. Actually I ended up going back to the United States for some shopping with my mom. I love my mom but being with her can be exhausting!!!! Tonight G and I went to the Blue Jay game and they totally sucked. When we left the Jays were loosing 9-1. Oh well, I am not a huge baseball fan so we went to China Town for some delicious food.
Tomorrow is my doctors appointment which I have been waiting 3 months for (okay that is a slight exaggeration). I always go into these appointments promising myself that I won't leave unless he make a more aggressive plan but then I freeze as soon as the doctor comes in. I say everything is great, I feel great, I love being infertile and I agree that waiting and watching is the best way to go. THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT, I hope.
I have my list of questions and demands and I have to stick with them. I will not leave that office without an aggressive plan.
WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

20 things I love

1. Hubby
2. Family
3. Traveling
4. Laughing out loud
5. A great outdoor concert
6. Good Conversation
7. Curling up with a great book
8. Sleeping in
9. Lying on a beech
10. Girls night in
11. The first day of school
12. The last day of school
13. Going to the movies
14. Sitting on the dock at the cottage with my toes in the water looking at the stars
15. Getting a great deal
16. Hubby's homemade Seafood Dinners (Lobster/King Crab legs/Scallops/Shrimp)
17. Fresh Sheets
18. Driving with the windows down listening to a great song
19. The smell of fresh laundry
20. The feeling of wearing new socks

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Great Weekend!

This weekend was our wedding anniversary and G planned a trip to Niagara Falls for us. It is a very rare thing for G to have a weekend off and we made the most of it. We had a really nice dinner at The Keg overlooking the falls and then hit the casino. Then on Saturday we headed over the border for some outlet shopping before we went golfing. Then we had a couple of Margaritas and hit the casino again. Although we didn't win any money we had a nice time together.
I assume that most husbands in the IF world frequently talk about baby making plans but G is not that guy. He is happy to take a back seat and let me make the appointments and decisions. I would prefer he was online researching and making suggestions but that just isn't him. I am pretty sure he doesn't even like talking about it at all. In fact he likes to pretend the problem doesn't really exist. He puts a positive swing on everything (this can be annoying) and is always optomistic. He absolutely never brings up having children and doesn't seem negatively impacted by our struggles at all. This weekend was one of the first weekends he actually fully engaged in a conversation about IVF. He thinks we should just go for it sooner than later and seems to think it will work without a doubt. I try to warn him about the stats but he just doesn't hear it. When I pointed out that private adoption costs about the same but in the end you are pretty much guaranteed becoming parents (although I know it is a lengthy and involved process) he wasn't interested. Why isn't he as invested at I am? Grrrr

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bored

Well today is my first day of my real summer vacation. After finishing summer school and visiting my MIL's trailor I am now home alone and already bored. I don't know why I am not outside in the sun reading my book but I just can't be bothered. Instead I am hiding out downstairs in my familar position watching "Bringing Baby Home" on TLC. I don't know why I torture myself but here I am in tears watching other people live my dream.
I am couting down the days (1 week left) until my fertility doctor appointment. This time I am going to make an aggressive plan to take control of this baby making situation. In my head I have decided to do 3 IUIs with clomid and then move on to IVF. I guess we will have to take the "clomid challenge" to see if clomid will help my egg quality. Do they still do this? I am such a loser havig this plan because it is just based on my google reading of what other people have done. I have no idea what my doctor is going to suggest but I can't handle another 3 months of wait and watch. My grandmother left us $25,000 when she died last year and I think she would happy for us to use it in this way. I know you can sign up for single IVF treatment or 3 at a time that is a bit less expensive so I think we will go for the 3 package. Who needs a down payment for a house anyways!!!
The annoying part is that Quebec (another province in Canada) now covers 3 IVF attempts and Ontario (where I live) is in the process of approving 3 cycles. Although I guess if my 3 don't work I can rely on the government at that point (although I am sure it will be years before it is covered, knowing the government).
Anyways, I want to go to Buffalo shopping but I have nobody to go with. G works every minute and most of my friends are working.

Friday, July 30, 2010

It's Over!

Well I am happy to report summer school is over! At this point I am not sure I would do it again but I guess I won't really know until September rolls. Then I can assess whether I feel like I have had a chance to rest and plan for next year. I mean it is hard to complain when I still have 4 weeks off to relax and get ready for the next school year. So what's up for the rest of the summer, not much! Hubby is working like crazy and we are planning a big trip in December so my extra cash flow from summer school will be put aside for that.
I think I am slowly turning more and more bitter and I am trying not to give in to it. Last night we had a work party to celebrate the end of summer school and one of the male teacher's wife is due this week so there was a lot of baby talk. Why am I so jealous, I hate this about myself. Not only that but one of the female teacher's who has 4 children and is recently divorced is pregnant with her 5th. It really makes me uncomfortable because she knows I have been struggling to get pregnant and I know she is nervous to talk to me about being pregnant and she is kind of right, I don't want to hear about how it just happened. She has a new boyfriend and I am happy that they will now have 8 children between them but I am super jealous.
I have been having really weird pains in my lady areas and they are so hard to explain. My next appointment with my fertilty dr is on Aug 12 and I have no idea how to describe them. They are sharp shooting pains that start in various areas of my abdomen including my ovaries and pelvis and then they end up with a tingling numb feeling in my vajayjay. Then of course there are the sharp sudden cramps in my ovaries that aren't any fun at all. It is weird because my whole reproductive area feels like it is just off somehow, which I guess it is but I had never really felt it so much before. Don't get me wrong my period is usually painful but it was predictable and the pain was localized.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ignorance

So last night was my uncle's funeral. My dad's only brother died last week and we gathered together as a family. It was not a tradition funeral it was small because over the past 10 years my uncle has struggled with depression and possibly alcoholism. He seperated from my aunt (his wife of 25 years) and withdrew from the family. We made several attempt to interveen but he just wanted to be left alone. To be honest when my dad called and informed me that he had passed away initially I thought he had taken his own life. This was not the case which is a relief but it is a very sad time because we are all feeling like we could have done more while he was here. Anyways, so we had a small gathering for just family in a funeral home and then headed to a sports bar together (he was a sports fanatic). There were about 25 of us and the vibe was good, we were all recalling old stories, laughing and bonding as a family. For most of the night I sat with my hubby but while he went out for a smoke my dad's cousin came and sat next to me. It is not a stretch to say we don't know each other very well. We have probably met less then 5 times in the past 30 years. So he comes over man handles me (squeezing me in a tight grip) and starts drilling me with questions. He started out asking me about the insurance business (he was clearly thinking I was my sister) and I corrected him and told him I was a teacher. He then proceeded to tell me how terrible the education system is and that we as teachers have dropped the ball. Of course he was an expert in the field (according to himself) and he was telling what I "needed" to do next year to make a difference. I listened politely and bit my lip. How the hell does he know what I do in my classroom. Then he asked me where I was living and I told him. He was disgusted (we live in the suburbs and he lives in the fancy area of downtown). He asked why we would buy way out in the "nosebleed" area of the city. Then I corrected him and said that we rented and he looked at my with pure disgust. The truth is hubby is going to be transferred next year so we figured why buy to sell next year but I wasn't going to explain myself. I just let him tell me how I was wasting my money and not planning for my future. My temperature was beginning to rise and I started to plot my escape. After grilling me for 15 minutes on my irresponsible spending habits he decided to change the topic. This is where it gets painful. He brings up the fact that when we were talking about education that I mentioned "if I have children". He asks me why I would say if. I try to change the subject and he starts a lecture about how my generation is never happy and how we want it all. He says I should shake my head and get down to business. He tells me how I am not getting any younger and I should stop living a self indulgent life style. Finally I can't handle it anymore and I sharply say that I have a medical condition that makes conceiving difficult. This is when his wife moves in and sits on the other side of me. Now there is no escape, I am absolutely cornered. You think my medical condition warning would shut him up but he was just getting started. He asked me what kind of condition I have and when I said endometriosis his wife took over. She started writing down websites and suggesting vitamins. Then she suggested that I use my sister's uterus. By the way my uterus might be the only part of my reproductive system that isn't damaged (ignorant bitch). I start wondering if she knows what endometriosis is. At this point she has decided that I should definitely use my sister's eggs too (like it is her decisions). I couldn't take it anymore and broke down balling my eyes out. Of course at this very moment my dad, who is now drunk looks over and announces in front of the entire crowd to cut me off. I had been drinking Diet Coke all night and seriously didn't need everyone staring at me. G is still nowhere to be seen and I am ready to go postal. Who are these people and how can I be related to them. I guess the only saving grace was that it was a funeral so tears can be excused. So here I am in the middle of a sports bar having a mental breakdown and these people are still drilling me with questions. Finally......and I mean finally......G reappears and gets me the hell out of there. I think I smoked the first cigarette of my life and I am still shaking with anger!!!!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Summer

Well, there is a heat wave and it is really hitting us hard. I decided to teach summer school and my school doesn't have air conditioning so I am sweating my tits off. I am teaching sports in the afternoon and I literally come home soaking wet, however I am choosing to see this as a positive and maybe I will sweat some of my fat ass off. I would like to say we have central air at home but that isn't the case either. We do have a window unit but it isn't enough to cool the entire house down. Last night we actually dragged the mattress from the spare room into the dining room (where the unit is located) and slept in the dining room. Actually we both slept like babies so it wasn't all that bad in the end.
As far as the endo and baby stuff goes as always there is nothing new to report. It has been 4 months since the surgery to remove my cysts and I am supposed to be going to see the doctor this month for another follow up. Unfortunately the doctor has 3 weeks off in July so I have to wait until August 12. This just leaves me with extra time to try and figure out what the next step in my fertility journey will be. From reading other ladies blogs I think my assumptions were wrong about what is going to happen next. I had thought maybe my dr would put me on a low dosage of clomid but it sounds like that isn't encouraged in endo because it will just make it grow faster. I also though that trying an IUI would be an option but some of the women have written that with stage 4 endo IUIs are a waste of time. I hate waiting, I torture myself with all of the possibilities. I guess the worst he could say is that we should just keep on with the waiting and watching approach because it is just plain painful.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Schools out for summer!!!!

Yesterday was the last day of school and the kids/parents spoiled me. I felt so loved that it almost brought me to tears. I received so many gifts and more importantly cards that it was overwhelming. It was my first year that I had a line up of parents that wanted to say thank you.
I still haven't made my decision about summer school, but I have to decide by next Friday. I have a couple of options if I decide to teach summer school so I am leaning towards doing the 4 week program because then I still have 5 weeks off which is still a long time to relax. Gosh most people don't get that all year and I have also had 2 weeks in December and 2 weeks in March.
This weekend should be a very busy one. I have to finish marking final exams, write report cards x2 (my memory stick has a virus and I can't get my first and second term reports so I have to retype them), I have to maark standardized tests, and it is Father's Day! I am exhausted just typing that and yet I am sitting on the couch watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta! This weeks was so crazy that I feel like I deserve a couple hours before the craziness begins.
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I am a bit confused today because I am on cycle day 7 and I already have my sticky discharge. Does that mean that I am ovulating early???? I guess I will just make sure to BD tonight just in case but I can't imagine I am already ovulating.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

2 days left!

Well, Friday is the last days with my class and then school is out for the kids. It is bitter-sweet because I love my class this year. I am happy that they are moving on and growing up but the year went so fast. Plus I am not sure I am completely looking forward to the summer (this is crazy talk for a teacher). This is the first summer ever that I wasn't full of excitment for the summer to begin, but I am worried I will become more depressed. I am so worried that I will become even more isolated and withdrawn from life. When I am at school I am fully engaged and in the moment. I have meaningful interactions with the kids and my job feels rewarding, but when I walk out of the school I shut down. All I think about is my empty womb and my failure to become a mother,it consumes my every thought! My boss mentioned that there might be a summer school position for me if I am interested and I think this might be the answer. Although I would love to relax all summer I assume that with this overactive mind I will not be able to relax anyways. However, my mother in law bought a trailer (how white trash of us) in cottage country to use for the summer and I would love to spend lot of time up north getting some fresh air. Maybe I should just enjoy the summer, drink some wine and read lots of great books. It's a tough call!
I called the fertility clinic because I was supposed to make an appointment to arrange our next plan of attack and they said to call back in a month because they are booked up for June and July. I hate to complain about our health care in Canada because hubby and I haven't paid for anything yet in our journey to conceive but the waits are frustrating!