You know what, I am pissed off. I feel like we have paid our dues ($27,975 in hard earned cash and more than that in tears), we've been patient (over 3 years of our lives), and maximized our chances (we have done 3 cycles in 12 months including an egg donor cycle). This is bull shit and I am fucking sick of this life. My life is completely consumed with trying to conceive and for what?? Nothing makes a flipping difference and we have had nothing but heart break. It is so unfair it makes me want to spit. Why the hell can't it be our time? Why not me?
I GIVE UP! Obviously I am not meant to conceive and I am sick of banging my head against the same freakin cement wall.
I know everyone wants me to be positive and hopeful but you know what, I don't want to. It isn't fair, enough is enough, and I can't hold it in any longer. IVF is bullshit. We spend all of this money thinking it will be the answer and you know what, the odds are stacked against us. It is like a lottery and I never buy the winning ticket. Then everyone tells me to hang in their because my number will be called. Guess what, it never is!!! Let's be honest and cut the crap. I have back cramps so strong they could cripple a child, my cramps are so painful I am keeled over, and I am literally vomiting out of my ass. This is not normal and can't be chalked up to "implantation" cramping. This is identical to the period I have every month as a sufferer of Stage 4 endometriosis. It is not the feeling of two time embryos implanting in my lining. My period is the one constant thing in my infertile life, and the only thing holding it off is my last lupron shot and the progesterone suppositories I am jamming up my ass.
I am sorry for the rant but it is what is in my heart right now and I had to get it out. I know everyone means well when they tell me to be hopeful and not to give up. I do appreciate that you all can stay optimistic because obviously I can't muster up those feelings. Thank you for your continuing support and I already feel a bit embarassed by this post.
I feel ya. Sometimes I feel like a bitter old bitch but I can't always be hopeful and optimistic with baby dust and unicorn farts. Infertility is really shitty and we deserve to be in shitty moods about it every now and then
ReplyDeleteI just want to give you a hug because words wont say anything and don't be embarrassed it bloody sucks.
ReplyDeleteHey...here from Christa's site. Please don't apologize for your 'rant'...its justified completely!!! IF SUCKS and our rants/complaints/screams/anger is completely allowed!! Hoping the raging period doesn't come...I know those well being a fellow endo girl too.
ReplyDeletePlease don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you lots of hugs! Hugs without words.
Rants here are great. Rants in the middle of the supermarket because you tried to hold it in - not so great. You need to get the stress out, and here you have a large supportive community who all care about you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like we're both having really bad days! I'm so sorry you are feeling so terrible, both physically and emotionally. Everything I've read about endo makes it sound like the worst thing in the world.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the words of support on my blog. I will be following your blog as well as we seem to be cycling together. I have no problem with negativity btw. I really hate the PMA bleating. I remember after having my ectopic and being told our only chance was Ivf someone just posted 'PMA' like that's going to make a difference while I'm sobbing in a heap on the bathroom floor.
Rant away chica....you're allowed every single bit of pissiness and anger at the world. IF f*ckin' sucks a$$. >:-/
ReplyDeleteIt is good to rant. How you feel now is how I felt when my last IVF did not work. I guess we all tell you to remain hopeful as thats all we can say! It would be very wrong to write 'why dont you just give up now and down a bottle of wine!' Lol! I am sure you are feeling this now, but do hold off a little longer!! Sadly you just never know with this lottery.
ReplyDeleteIVF is bullshit, stage 4 endo sucks ass!
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Don't be embarrassed by the rant - these are real, honest feelings, that are incredibly justified! Rant away... This IVF business really and truly sucks!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to let it all out and to feel negative. I had my fair share of those days and I will probably have more at some point. Infertility is a really shitty crap-shoot and I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I wish you the best and hope your rant helped in some small way.
ReplyDeleteI so get this! I really do. I'm fucking pissed off for you and for me and for all of us. I wish I had an answer other than, "let it out kC, let it out".
ReplyDelete**hugs**
ReplyDeleteOf course you are mad. It IS unfair, vastly unfair. IF sucks the big one, and hard. Such heartbreak. It makes me angry, too! It's healthy that you let it out. We're here for you.
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