You know what, I am pissed off. I feel like we have paid our dues ($27,975 in hard earned cash and more than that in tears), we've been patient (over 3 years of our lives), and maximized our chances (we have done 3 cycles in 12 months including an egg donor cycle). This is bull shit and I am fucking sick of this life. My life is completely consumed with trying to conceive and for what?? Nothing makes a flipping difference and we have had nothing but heart break. It is so unfair it makes me want to spit. Why the hell can't it be our time? Why not me?
I GIVE UP! Obviously I am not meant to conceive and I am sick of banging my head against the same freakin cement wall.
I know everyone wants me to be positive and hopeful but you know what, I don't want to. It isn't fair, enough is enough, and I can't hold it in any longer. IVF is bullshit. We spend all of this money thinking it will be the answer and you know what, the odds are stacked against us. It is like a lottery and I never buy the winning ticket. Then everyone tells me to hang in their because my number will be called. Guess what, it never is!!! Let's be honest and cut the crap. I have back cramps so strong they could cripple a child, my cramps are so painful I am keeled over, and I am literally vomiting out of my ass. This is not normal and can't be chalked up to "implantation" cramping. This is identical to the period I have every month as a sufferer of Stage 4 endometriosis. It is not the feeling of two time embryos implanting in my lining. My period is the one constant thing in my infertile life, and the only thing holding it off is my last lupron shot and the progesterone suppositories I am jamming up my ass.
I am sorry for the rant but it is what is in my heart right now and I had to get it out. I know everyone means well when they tell me to be hopeful and not to give up. I do appreciate that you all can stay optimistic because obviously I can't muster up those feelings. Thank you for your continuing support and I already feel a bit embarassed by this post.