Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Always on my mind

So I am in a bad mood tonight. I actually had a relatively productive day at school and wasn't set off until the very end of the day. It was finally confirmed that yes my collegue (friend) is 4 months pregnant. I am not 100% sure why but I am definitely annoyed. I called a mutual friend and asked her if I was completely off my rocker. She seemed to think my feeling were valid. My point is simply this, it would have been nice for her to tell me (which she still hasn't) personally that she was pregant. The reason it bothers me is because she has been super curious throughout my IVF process and throughout all her questioning it might have been nice for her to have given me the heads up on her pregnancy. Back to this in a second.
Then when I got home from school Hubby was in the kitchen making sandwiches for dinner (he made me one for dinner last night and another to take in my lunch today). Seriously the last thing I wanted to eat was a freakin sandwich. Hubby can be sensitive and truth be told he doesn't like to deviate from whatever he considers to be a suitable plan. You see being that we are only a two person family food often goes to waste. He doesn't do the grocery shopping very often so generally he doesn't know what goes to waste. This week however he did the grocery shopping. One of the things he bought was a frozen lasagna which we made for dinner on Saturday night. We had it Saturday night and then Sunday for lunch even though I am not a huge fan of left overs, Then he had it for lunch on Monday but I was not into it. He seemed bound and determined that we would in fact eat every piece of that lasagne. I know what you are thinking, hubby is cheap. This is not the fact, he loves to eat out. He doesn't check prices at restaurants there is more to this. I think it is control and because he has it in his head suddenly that we are wasting things he has to make a change and he will eat that entire lasagne and now the sandwich meat. Well good for him, I am not eating anymore sandwiches or lasagna. So as he ate his tired old sandwich I had chicken pot pie, which was delicious by the way. He told me that if I wanted to waste food it was up to me. Well that was a no brainer!
So back to the Preggo Drama Queen. When I told Hubby that I thought it was inconsiderate of her not to come to me. Hubby was less then supportive. He told me to get over it, that other people get pregnant and that it just wasn't about me. Well of course her pregnancy isn't about me and I will get over it I just wanted him to say she sucks and then on with the night. That however, will never happen from my husband. He will never look over at me and admit that my infertility sucks. He says it is fine and that we are going to get through it. I know that we will make it through it, but come on just one time can't he just say it sucks dirty hairy balls. Maybe I need to stick Wanda up his ass a couple of times, inject dye into the tip of his penis, and inject him with hormones. I am sick of his looks that tell me to get over it. He glazes over when the doctors talk to us. There is no bloody way he even knows what a freakin follicle is. Seriously this guy could not even tell you when pr how a woman ovulates. All he knows is his wife complains a lot more than any of his previous girlfriends.
Now that I am venting I will also mention that when I do try to "stay positive' and allow myself to day dream about having a baby he shoots me down. He will not indulge in any baby talk at all. I have tried, lord have I tried anything and everything. He refuses to even discuss baby names. When we were deciding if we would pursue IVF I had to send him an itemized email addressing all of the decisions that needed to be made to get a specific response. Otherwise he just tells me to make the decision.
He won't even entertain the idea of adoption or foster care....why the heck would he be, IVF isn't really any inconvenience to him. He doesn't even technically have to pay any $$$ towards it. Yes I get it, when you are married you share money, but our money that has been reserved for IVF is actually the money my grandmother left me in her will. It has always been in an investment under my name.
Okay, my final bitch fest. I have a bladder infection which freaks the heck out of me. My regular doctor told me that infections can lead to miscarriages and that is just not what I want to hear!


  1. I tried to post this earlier and blogger ate my comment so here is take 2:
    First of all, it is every IF'ers right to feel angry/ jealous at fertile woman. Perhaps it is irrational but it is part of the process. We all do it!!
    Second, do not expect your husband to get it b/c he just won't. Mine is finally catching on but it took him 4 years to get there and half the time I think he is just humoring me by saying what I want to hear. We understand and totally get it though so feel free to vent here. We are here for you.

  2. Oh man, it must be the week for husbands to act like this. After 4 years, I thought my husband was turning the corner on his understanding what it feels like to hear another announcement. We're recently back to square one and he made it clear that he doesn't want to hear the "whining" anymore because no doctor told me I can't have babies, so not to freak out until someone tells us that. Seriously. Hugs to you. I get it.

  3. Oh god your day totally blows. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be so alone in this process. Your husband needs to wake up and realize that you need a lot more support than he is offering. He should know what a follicle is, he should know way more about the female body than most men because you guys have a problem and he should be there with you experiencing it instead of remaining blissfully ignorant. Sorry for the rant but that just really gets to me. Would he be open to reading a book? My husband read "How to make love to a plastic cup" and it gave him strategies on how to deal with me and my crazy hormones and it taught him all about my system. Secondly I totally get the need to just hear a quick, yeah it blows that that girl didn't tell you she was pregnant.. I hope that tomorrow is much much better than today for you!!!

  4. Wow your hubby sounds a lot like mine. I'm sad and mopy about not being pregnant after being an entire week late and he hasn't even tried to figure out wtf is wrong with me. Dispite me not sleeping all night. Then I tell him and he says "well your body is getting better." Umm yea a whole week late is not better asshole. I just want him to say it sucks and feel sorry and feel like shit for 5 minutes with me. But nope his life is completely unchanged and everything is great. Blah.

    Anyways, thanks for leaving a comment. This is the first time I've seen you blog and you are funny ;)! I hope things get better. Btw I would feel the same way about your friend who didn't tell you she was pregnant. And my hubby would have had the same reaction and pissed me off too. =(

  5. Your response post on my blog made me laugh! I guess I should appreciate what I have more. I guess I thought more men dealing with IF would take some initiative and learn more about our bodies. At least you can laugh about it!

  6. Dang fertile jealousy, I wish I didn't suffer from it, but we all do! Again the only person it hurts is ourselves. But it's totally understandable, actually expected.
    People cope in different ways. Try and remember your on the same team. One day this will be distant memory. :) And you hubby will annoy you with something new!

  7. seriously I think sometimes fertiles rule the world...it's understandable to be jealous. We are all here for you. *hugs*

  8. hi!
    okay first of all, from reading your post earlier this week it is clear that that woman is nutty. be glad she doesn't talk to you more and keep your distance :)

    secondly, no shit her pregnancy isn't about you, but YOUR feelings are. i have found that i seriously need to tell T what i want from him sometimes. they are totally clueless in matters of the heart. i think he is being a bit weird about the whole process though. *shrug* is he trying not to get your hopes up? so he doesn't have to deal with it if it doesn't work? all i can say is he is your husband and he needs to support you and love you. maybe you need to tell him how he can do that. and he may not even need to know how ovulation works, but he needs to find out what a follicle is :)

    third, my father is the same way with food. he will make a big meal (only my sister lives home and rarely eats there) and eat it until it's gone. im glad T isn't that way but T is kinda far the other way. ill try to plan a meal and he won't "feel like" that. oh, and he lives to throw shit away. i swear, if something looks like clutter, even if it is a brand new full box of something, he will ask me if he can throw it out! grr!

    anyway sorry to hijack your comments...i hope you feel better soon and your UTI will be out of here before you know it, don't worry.