Saturday, November 27, 2010

My dreams are dashed!

Today feels like the worst day of my life. I went to the doctor thinking that I had 6maybe 7 follicles for my retrieval on Tuesday and now there is a 90% chance the cycle will be cancelled. I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and I am just damn sick and tired of this entire situation! I am mad as hell at everyone and everything and mostly at myself. Why did I believe that IVF was the answer to all of my problems? No I didn't expect it to work the first time but I thought at the very least it would be a learning experience. I figured we would get a bunch of follicles, we'd implant a couple and maybe it would or maybe it wouldn't work. Well I don't like what I learned and I am feeling very hopeless. Today we found out that 3 of our 6 follicles from yesterday are not coming along and will not make it to retrieval day. Unless some sort of miracle happens tonight, and I am not affraid of begging and pleading for this miracle. Then tomorrow wer are left deciding if we want to continue the cycle if we only have 3 follicles or should we just call it a day.
Hubby and I have very conflicting feelings about this. I can't handle any more heart break and just want to stop. Plus it seems like flushing away money to retrieve 3 eggs ($5800) and hope for the best. If we stop now we are only out $3000 (My work pays $2000 of it) that we paid in drugs. But if we do the retrieval we are out an extra $5800. I looked up the research and the stats of getting a bfp are very low for women my age (35) who only retrieve 3 eggs. I just think that next time we could skip the birth control pill (apparently my body didn't bounce back from it) and we could start with a higher dose of Gonal F. However, hubby thinks we have put too much into this and that we should follow it through. He is of the mind set that it only takes one egg. The problem with this popular theory is that research proves that women my age who stimulate fewer follicles not only have low ovarian reserve they also have low egg quality. Therefore our chances of having a viable embryo are less too. Hubby thinks we should wait so that we can get more information about our eggs. I just can't even think about how I will feel if I go through the retrieval and then have no eggs to transfer. Or if I am left to transfer low grade embryos and have to go through the BFN again. I will be devasted!
I talked to my parents and they agree with hubby (but remember I am surrounded by sunshinny people that put a positive spin on everything!). My parents have offered to pay for the cycle and say that we should use it as a learning experience. I think they are amazing and that the offer was so generous and filled with love. However, I would rather use that money on a cycle that wasn't doomed from the beginning. Why not wait a month, have a fresh start and see if we can get more follies. Trust me, I will be sure to take them up on the offer of paying for a cycle but I just don't think we should let our emotions get in the way. Yes I have been through a lot this month, yes it would be nice to think that we are still in the game, but no I don't want to be let down again.
At this point unless a miracle happens tomorrow and suddenly the lazy 3 catch up I am leaning towards cancelling the cycle.
What do you ladies think? Please be blunt and don't be affraid of hurting my feelings. I like honesty and I need help!


  1. Oh no, I am so sorry that this is happening and so sorry that I did not see this post sooner.
    Does your RE have a suggestion for you? Can you possibly convert to IUI and if so woudl that be better in this situation?
    My first IVF was mess. We did retrieve but did not transfer anything. we switched practices and have had better results with subsequent IVF cycle (although none resulted in a bfp). I personally, would not want to complete a cycle unless the circumstances were ideal, but that is just me. My RE warns often that you cannot make too much out of one bad cycle and that every cycle your stimm'ing and egg quality is a little different so there is no reason to think that additional cycles will go like this.
    Please feel free to email me, I am always here to talk ot vent (screaming and yelling are ok too).
    thinking of you and sending love your way.

  2. I would go for it! I think you should give those three a chance. The other option is could you convert it to an IUI? 3 follicles is perfect for an IUI...

    I'm so sorry that you're having to make these kind of decisions - this sucks!

  3. Wow, what a horrible dilema. I am not sure what I would do. Not very helpful I know. I agree with the other 2 girls, and IUI sounds like a good option.
    It is a lot of money to lose for a potentially already doomed cycle. I think it is true that older women do have lower ovarian reserves and eggs have lower eggs. The worry definitely is if not having anything to transfer. I had that fear with my frozen embryo transfer but thankfully they survived the thaw. Sadly it was a bfn again. A bfn is heart breaking. I contemplated cancelling my frozen transfer but the clinic said 'No'.
    If there is a small chance it will work I would carry on, if not I would try an IUI rather than cancel completely.
    I think you need to have your stim drugs discussed.
    Sorry, I have not been helpful. It is hard as there never is any certainty with IVF at the best of times
    Nic x

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  5. Thanks for the posts, I am so confused about what to do. I don't think an IUI is a good option for me because of my advanced stage of endometriosis. I have been told the chances would be super slim.

  6. I think I would feel like you and I would cancel. Have a fresh start on a new cycle and up the meds so that this doesn't happen again. I think hopefully the Dr's learned something and they will change up your meds so you have more follicles next time. $5800 is a lot and if you can cut your losses now on the meds and save the heartache of a BFN and start fresh next cycle that sounds like the best option to me.

    I hope you're doing ok. I had an IUI cancelled out of the blue one month and it was SO incredibly hard. I imagine IVF would be even harder. If you do have to cancel I hope you can get some R & R in before your next cycle. ((HUGS))

    Also just my opinion on what I said and I support you on whatever you decide! =)

  7. Oh I am so disappointed to be reading this. You are in such a tough spot right now. I don't know how much advice I can provide as this is my first IVF as well and I know everyone says it only takes one egg but you have to do what feels best for you. I am really really hoping that your ultrasound tomorrow shows much better results. I will be eagerly waiting an update.

  8. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I haven't been through IVF but I can understand why this is such a hard decision. I try to be optimistic and so if it was me, I would go ahead and have them retrieve them and atleast try this cycle...Who knows? Maybe those eggs will be awesome and make a baby!

  9. kc - im so sorry you didn't have better news. ugh. i can't tell you what to do, but i've heard of many success stories with 3 eggs retrieved. but at the same time, if you want to cut your losses, learn about your body, and save $$ for the next one, that might be a better option. i'm still shocked your dr started you on such low stims. when i started, my RE gave me a dose of 300u gonal-f. ... and how nice that your P's are going to pay! that's amazing. here's a great link about different protocols and how they work best for one's body. in fact, birth control pills are a good thing, as well as lupron (or something else you might call it). it gives the body a chance to recruit more antral follicles... all in all, it is a learning experience. and you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. hugs.

  10. oh, i forgot to post the link:

  11. That is such a tough decision, and I've been on both sides of the argument. After our 'big' loss, I wanted to stop, but our health insurance was willing to pay for a huge amount of testing (very expensive testing), because I had gotten close to the second trimester twice, out of the four pregnancies (only two with my husband). My husband wanted to see if they could find anything out, I was still raw from the loss and didn't want to be poked and prodded anymore. I ended up doing the testing, we got a game plan, and ended up doing several more cycles, and loosing four more pregnancies. I knew I could have kept going, because I was always excited when I got my BFP. By then, Trav was more cautious, and we stopped, because he said he couldn't stand loosing a piece of me every time we lost a pregnancy. I'm adopted, so the transition to that was easy for us, but more importantly we were both in agreement.
    It's hard to have to make such a quick decisions with things like this without having time to weigh the options.
    I wish you luck!

  12. KC, I am so sorry to hear about your sad news. I have no medical advice or experience in this, but I always think, when you don't know what to do, go with your gut.
    Also, I would imagine that I would feel like you and pull out now and save the money, pain, and mental exhaustion for another time that seems to have a better chance.
    Though I understand what your DH is saying, you do need only one.
    Good luck and fingers crossed it works out in the end.

  13. If it were me, I would wait for a better round. But that's me. Instead, maybe do the IUI and take advantage of the meds you already paid for. It's better than nothing.

    I am sorry you are faced with this decision!