Today feels like the worst day of my life. I went to the doctor thinking that I had 6maybe 7 follicles for my retrieval on Tuesday and now there is a 90% chance the cycle will be cancelled. I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and I am just damn sick and tired of this entire situation! I am mad as hell at everyone and everything and mostly at myself. Why did I believe that IVF was the answer to all of my problems? No I didn't expect it to work the first time but I thought at the very least it would be a learning experience. I figured we would get a bunch of follicles, we'd implant a couple and maybe it would or maybe it wouldn't work. Well I don't like what I learned and I am feeling very hopeless. Today we found out that 3 of our 6 follicles from yesterday are not coming along and will not make it to retrieval day. Unless some sort of miracle happens tonight, and I am not affraid of begging and pleading for this miracle. Then tomorrow wer are left deciding if we want to continue the cycle if we only have 3 follicles or should we just call it a day.
Hubby and I have very conflicting feelings about this. I can't handle any more heart break and just want to stop. Plus it seems like flushing away money to retrieve 3 eggs ($5800) and hope for the best. If we stop now we are only out $3000 (My work pays $2000 of it) that we paid in drugs. But if we do the retrieval we are out an extra $5800. I looked up the research and the stats of getting a bfp are very low for women my age (35) who only retrieve 3 eggs. I just think that next time we could skip the birth control pill (apparently my body didn't bounce back from it) and we could start with a higher dose of Gonal F. However, hubby thinks we have put too much into this and that we should follow it through. He is of the mind set that it only takes one egg. The problem with this popular theory is that research proves that women my age who stimulate fewer follicles not only have low ovarian reserve they also have low egg quality. Therefore our chances of having a viable embryo are less too. Hubby thinks we should wait so that we can get more information about our eggs. I just can't even think about how I will feel if I go through the retrieval and then have no eggs to transfer. Or if I am left to transfer low grade embryos and have to go through the BFN again. I will be devasted!
I talked to my parents and they agree with hubby (but remember I am surrounded by sunshinny people that put a positive spin on everything!). My parents have offered to pay for the cycle and say that we should use it as a learning experience. I think they are amazing and that the offer was so generous and filled with love. However, I would rather use that money on a cycle that wasn't doomed from the beginning. Why not wait a month, have a fresh start and see if we can get more follies. Trust me, I will be sure to take them up on the offer of paying for a cycle but I just don't think we should let our emotions get in the way. Yes I have been through a lot this month, yes it would be nice to think that we are still in the game, but no I don't want to be let down again.
At this point unless a miracle happens tomorrow and suddenly the lazy 3 catch up I am leaning towards cancelling the cycle.
What do you ladies think? Please be blunt and don't be affraid of hurting my feelings. I like honesty and I need help!