I love my kids

So although I obviously don't have kids of my own.....hello I am infertile, but I have the pleasure of teaching some great kids. They are hilarious and make my day with the funny things they say. Teaching is such a rewarding job and although the kids can be inconsiderate (they are kids) generally they are amazing. I teach grade 7 this year and it is such a cool age. They are turning 13 and they are learning to be individuals. This is the year that they really are going from kids to teenagers and I have the lucky job of teaching them Sexual Education. I joke but I actually enjoy it and they seem to like my no bullshit approach. I give them the facts in terms they understand and I know they are comfortable to ask me anything.....I mean anything. Of course they all asked me why I don't have children and being that it is National Infertility week and I am always up for "teachable moments" I let them know about my endo and my recent surgery. They were all very interested and told me I had to stay positive, that I will be a cool mom and that I could always look into adoption. It is funny because when adults tell me that I am annoyed but from them it was comforting. I guess it is because I know they meant it, mainly because I know they don't take the time to think before they speak (sometimes this can be hurtful) so there is no filter. What they say is for the most part what they mean. One girl even told me that she has had a couple of dreams about me adopting a baby girl. Another girl came to me after school and said "Ms C" I really hope you get to have a baby, but I also hope that you don't have to do what people usually have to do to get pregnant. That is so disgusting and I think adoption would be much nicer. I agree, who wants to think of any of their teacher's doing it. Gosh they were amazed to hear that I go to the grocery store (remember most kids think their teacher's live at school).

Back Fire!!!!

Well I think my plan to not fill hubby in on when I ovulate has back fired a tiny bit. You see I ovulate Tonight, Saturday night, and Sunday. Of course last night G decided he was really in the mood and could not be pursuaded to wait. I used the classic lines "I'm Tired", "I have a head ache" and then I figured why not the extra sperm can't hurt. Anyways, so here I am sitting on the couch with G across from me and he is sound asleep on the couch, snoring like a pot bellied pig!!! I don't think any sort of lingerie could get him out of that coma. He worked all day in the shop (he runs a golf pro shop) and then had lessons all night. He got home and literally passed out. I have tried going over there twice, and he whispered that he loved me but that he was out for the night. Aside from throwing a bucket of cold water on him(which I am sure would give him shrink dink) there is nothing that would get that guy off the couch. I have a feeling he will be sleeping out here. This is so frustrating but I completely understand him being exhaused. This is his busiest time of the year and he is bringing home the bacon. However (isn't there always a however!!!) my clock continues to tick (I am sure you can hear it from where ever you are) and waiting until tomorrow might literally kill me. What is one day, I know some people prefer to do it every other day to make sure the spermy are plentiful. However, with G's super sperm I wanted to do it all 3 of my fertile days (I love that I can actually write the word fertile I feel like a freud). Oh well maybe I can wake him up early in the morning for a little morning bd. I have to tell myself to relax (what all of us infertiles love to hear) and wait until the morning, hopefully I will be able to sleep.

To tell or not to tell??????

So I am feeling good and hopeful and I need some advice on whether to tell the hubby when I am ovulating or just lure him into "the sex" In the past when I have built up the fact that we need to get down to business it has intimidated him. I have to admit in general (before ttc) G did a lot more of the initiating then me and I am more comfortable with this. However, once I started figuring out my fertile days I took matters into my own hands and I was less than subtle. G is definitely more of a romantic and a lot more into setting the scene and the right vibe than me. When I am in baby making mode I am a get down to the business kind of girl.
I don't want to be dishonest with him but I don't want him to feel pressured and like a piece of meat.....haha

The wait is over and the wait begins......

So I met with the my fertility doctor/surgion today and I am not sure I learned very much about my surgery. I love Doctor G. and the office in general but when it comes to our one on one appointments I never come out satisfied. I always have my list of questions and they seem so much more important until I get in there and then I freeze. The problem is I wait in the waiting room and I am so impatient that as soon as I get in there I am so distracted and thrown off, I seem to forget what I was going to ask. So after waiting for 45 minutes (I know this sounds bad but I only wait for him and not for my daily appointments), I get in there and we chat for literally 2 minutes and then I am on my way. Basically this is what he said:
1. I had two cysts on my left ovary (6cm-4cm and 5cm-7cm) and one on my right ovary (3cm-5cm)
2. I had deep scarring and adhesions all over my reproductive organs (more than 5 cm deep)
3. They removed all of the endometrosis
4. I will be the most fertile in my life the for the next 3 months
5. I will go back in 3 months (if not pregnant.....haha) and decide what our next approach will be
**Overall he was shocked by how much and deep it was but is positive that we will now be able to get pregnat.
Okay, I know I am being a totally negative but I find this hard to believe. I know that I have to stay positive but that just isn't me. I hear bad in everything and I know I will be back in August to come up with a game plan. I just want to get down to it and be aggressive in this quest to get my knocked up. GIVE ME DRUGS!!!!!!

Juno Moment

Oh yeah I had a total Juno moment. I love the movie Juno I think her sense of humour is hilarious and it just cracks me up. Of course Jennifer Garner's character really touches me. Whenever I watch the part in the mall when Jennifer talks to Juno's belly I am balling uncontrollably and feel like I got kicked in the gut. So before the music night for my school the other night all of the teacher's went for dinner at Jack As*tors. My school is always filled with prenant teacher's so of course there was one sitting accross from me at dinner. She had, had a spicy lunch and the baby was kicking like crazy. Not only did our entire dinner conversation revolve around her, everyone took turns feeling the baby kick. When it came to my turn I did not want to participate in this. It is just too painful (like taking a kid to a candy/toy store to browse). I felt like I was going to have a mental break down. Everyone was staring at me and urging me on to feel it. I refused and after a very uncomfortable couple of minutes the converstation was over. I was biting my tongue not to scream "I am infertile you insensitive bastar*ds!".

Random

So it has been a very busy week and I have barely gone to the gym (once). School was hectic because we had a music night performance at the local performing arts centre. The night was so long (6-11pm)that one of the Grade One kids grabbed the microphone and said "can I please go home now?". Truth be told we were all thinking the same thing.
My period is now gone but let me tell you the IBS Symtoms were worse than ever! It is the most embarassing thing to have to run to the bathroom after a meal and to have to stay in there for hours at a time. My poor husband is so patient and understanding...I hate being a shi*tty wife. My doctor assures me that most women with endo have these symptoms but I can't believe we all have to go through this.
Yesterday was my nephew's first birthday and It was a bit of a rough day. My SIL's best friend is pregnant and of course all of the women spent the afternoon chatting about baby stuff. Luckily there were two single women who were bored to tears with the conversation and they kept changing the subject and poking fun at all the baby talk. Although one said she just hoped that when it came time to have children that everything would go smoothly. It hurt because they all said there would be nothing worse than not being able to get pregnant. Uh yeah....no kidding. Then my SIL looked over at me and gave me a wink and a smile...so I guess my husband told them about my surgery (he mentioned that he might but I thought he changed his mind).
On the drive home my MIL told me she saw a psychic (her best friend was having a 40th birthday party for her single daughter and hired a psychic for fun) and that the psychic said G and I would be having 2 girls very close in age. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't really believe in psychic's but at least someone sees babies in our future.
Tomorrow is my follow up appointment for my surgery and I feel like I can't remember all of the questions I wanted to ask. Before it felt like I had a million things to ask and now I just want to know when I ovulate because I have read that the 6-9 months after a lap are an endo woman's most fertile time.
I am off to mark 28, 8 paged book reports, good times!!!

Adding Insult to Injury!

So my dad flew in from Florida today and came to see our new house (he is a snow bird). So I haven't seen him since December and within the first few minutes he told me I have a huge ass. Okay not in those words but it was the same message. I mentioned that G and I had joined a gym and said that we had both gained a little weight and were trying to get in shape for the summer. I tend to carry weight in my face and previously he has mentioned that but I didn't see this one coming. Out of nowhere he says "your rear end has really gotten wide". All I could think of is that I must have heard him wrong but he was staring at my backside and his hands were indicating wide load. Oh what support we get, a week after surgery. Don't get my wrong my dad is generally very sweet but he has no clue when it comes to weight and has always been super insensitive. Lucky for me I have never struggled with weight but my poor sister has heard it all her life.

Is this what a period should be like?????

This is my first period since my surgery and I thought for some strange reason it would be pain free. I really shouldn't complain because it is much better but definitely not painless. Usually I have cramps starting at least a week before and this time it was only today that I am feeling them. Another positive thing is the cramps are localized to my lower abdomen instead of in my ovaries and back (makes sense seeing as the cysts are gone). I have no idea why my back would no longer ache but this seems to be a bonus. Too bad I am exhausted, that would have been a good symptom to loose. Now I am curious to see how long the cramps and fatigue last.
Fingers crossed it will be down to just a couple of days!

Withdrawl

So I haven't had a doctors appointment in a week and a half and I am going through withdrawl. I have nothing to obsess about other than an up coming follow up regarding my lapscopic. The thing that is driving me the most crazy is we don't seem to have a plan of action right now. I hate this wait and see approach. After going through what seems like every procedure known to man the fact that there are no more "investigations" left to do leaves me feeling hopeless. The HSG (which had me in tears) seemed to show that my tubes aren't blocked, the sonogram (another painful procedure) didn't show any abnormalities on my uterus, and my follicles seemed to mature properly (is that the right terminology?). Plus my blood work and harmone levels didn't indicate any abnormalities. So wtf is the problem??? Could it just be my damaged eggs as a result of my multiple recurring endometriomas that formed on both ovaries. Can anything be done if it is just a problem with bad/stale eggs? Why don't we have a plan of attack?
Once upon a time the doctor spoke of Clom*id. Does this help egg quality? Was the endometrosis that was just burnt off stopping me from getting pregnant? Does anyone have insight about what the next step usually is???? At what point do we start talking IVF?
I hate that 35 seems to be the magic age where conception is directly reduced based on age. What could possibly happen in the next 7 months that will make it even harder to get that illusive BFP.

Self Restraint

Why do I torture myself by going into the baby department. It makes no sense that I would do this to myself. Generally when I need to pick stuff up at Wal*mart or other big box stores I know how to navigate around the store and avoid the baby section of the store. I have learned the hard way that seeing the adorable clothing and equipment can set me off if I am having a sensitive day. However, today I went into Home*sense to find some new pillow to go on our new loveseat and suddenly I felt the magnetic pull that led me into the baby section. I actually stopped, and look longingly at length at all of the adorable stuff. I actually felt like a criminal the entire time I was in there. Like everyone knew that I have absolutely no business being in that section. It was like getting passed the bouncer at some swanky club and knowing that you will get caught for not being on "the list", lord knows I am not on the mommy list. It was actually an adrenaline rush at the start but slowly I crashed and burned and found myself close to tears. I think I will stick to my closet shopping on Craigslist where I can look without worrying about the judgemental eyes of the public.

Tick Tock

I HATE waiting, isn't that all us infertiles do ????? Waiting for appointments, waiting for our periods, waiting to see if we miss our period, waiting until we can take an HPT (although I never take those anymore), waiting to know what the next plan is........
This time the wait is for my follow up appointment to my lap to find out exactly what they found and have successful everything was. Of course being the good little infertile that I am, I had a detailed list of questions for the hubby to ask when he saw the surgion when I was in recovery. However, hubby dropped the ball a bit on this task. All he remembers the dr saying is that things went as well as could be expected and that it was on both sides. Gosh, there are a million was to interpret these comments.....what was he expecting.......was it the endo on both sides or the cysts.....do I still have both ovaries.....do I have a uterus......ugh!!!!!
My husband G just said it won't be long now. I seriously believe that he has magical clocks that move double speed to mine because in my world 2 weeks is forever!!!!

My MTV Obsession

Okay, is anyone else addicted to the reality show 16 and pregnant?????.....anyone???
I have an absolutely sick fascination with these girls who have sex(sometimes for the first time) and get pregnant. This just boggles my mind, I mean I know the facts of life, gosh I even teach them, but really once one time and you hit the jackpot. Your main concern is what shirt to wear to school tomorrow and whether the cute boy in your class just likes you or like-likes you.
I stare at these girls moving myself closer to the t.v to study them I look to see what fertile secret they have figured out that I am oblivious to.
Once the baby is born I watch these girls resent their little angels because they aren't able to go to the movies or to hang out at the mall with their friends. I want to steal their babies, I mean wouldn't I be doing both of them a favour. That baby would be my world, what I would live for and I never have to see another movie or mall again.
Then there is the "baby daddy" who is clearly not interested in raising these children. Most of the situations scream.. "I had a baby so I could get my boyfriend to stay with me/love me"....new bullitin babies don't make a relationship.
How can I be envious of a 16 year old (god I spend all day with teenagers and honestly they are wonderful but not enviable). I even envy their stretch marks, okay don't get me wrong I have stretch marks, but none that count. I want stretch marks on my stomache as a sign of my fertility (Do you think they do stretch mark tatoos???).
Okay clearly I am insane!!!

Our Journey

So I wish I could tell some super romantic story about how my husband and I met but the truth is we met in a bar and yes I went up to him. I was with some girls (more aquantances than friends) and he just looked like a really nice guy. Now I can't be positive that, that is the reason I decided to pull him over but that is what I tell myself because I am not "that type" of girl. The truth is that I am an easy drunk (oops, I shouldn't say easy) and was seeing sideways after one vodka drink. I am not into dancing with guidos (although I love watching The Jersey Shore) so I took matters into my own hand and introduced myself. We danced the night away, I told him he needed a real job and to quit smoking and we exchanged phone numbers. The truth is I was still living with my parents (I had "recently" moved home) and I am the only person in the world who does not have a cell phone so I gave him my parents landline. Of course he never expected that the girl he met in the bar would have given him her parent's number so he texted me that night (I think around 3am to say what at great night he had!!! Do you know what happens when you text a landline?????? Well I now do......a woman (the voice mail lady) calls and relays the message. Luckily I was home to receive the message but was seriously confused when I picked up the phone at 3am to hear a women tell me what a great night she had, had and that she couldn't wait to see me soon. Was I that drunk I wondered....had G been a woman??????
Okay so we met and basically fell in love right away. We were engaged within 8 months and married 9 months after our engagement. Let's face it we were both in our 30's and when you know it's right you just know (so cheesy but true). So I would have started making babies the moment we met but G was set on waiting and enjoying some married life first. Fast forward to a year after we are married and me begging regularily for us to begin trying. Finally the time comes and G says to me one night when we are ready to go to bed "I'm Ready". I literally cried and in one of my most naive moments to date thought that maybe we would get pregnant that night.
Rewind to my first days of puberty and when I began my period. My cramps were so bad I thought I was literally going to die, sh*t my pants, vomit and then die again. Nothing would numb the pain and over the years I just learned to deal with it. Dealing with it meant fainting, puking and being generally miserable 2 weeks out of every month (isn't every girl like that???). Of course my mom took me to the dr who would prescribe another painkiller but nothing really took the edge off. From these early days I just knew something was wrong with my body. It just didn't make sense that other people could cope with this pain. Every month I would look at my friends and think to myself.....seriously you can manage this pain every month...wtf is wrong with me. Eventually I chalked it up to low pain threshold and assumed that I was a whining whimp (which I am sure everyone around me was thinking).
So was I shocked when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis at 34......hell to the no...I was just surprised that someone finally agreed with me and acknowledged what I already knew. I am just another statistic of all kinds of women who go undiagnosed for years with this painful disease.
By the way do you know what my mom said when I called her after my diagnosis
"Well it's about time dear" followed closely with "I'm not surprised with that diagnosis, you do know that is what Joanie and Marie have" and then the kicker "I actually wondereed if you have that" Seriously... she has to be kidding.....after all of the years where she told me to get on with things and stop feeling sorry for myself....could she be serious!!!! ughhh

I want my $$$$ Back

If I had only known years ago (during those experimental university days) that I was infertile I wouldn't have wasted all that money on birth control. Okay the truth is I wasn't exactely wild, but I was safe and now I want my money back. To think of the morning I went to the pharmacy scared shi*less to get the morning after pill, puffy eyed from no sleep and from the hours of crying and all for not. Now if only I could take all the money that I invested in "safe sex" and buy myself a baby.