Jealous

So I think I might have a really bad case of jealousy and that just isn't very attractive on anyone. So two years ago when I was teaching Grade 5 I had a "team teacher". Basically this just means that she teaches the same things as me and the classroom next to mine. We were supposed to collaborate and work together to stay at the same pace and cover the same things. Let's just say this didn't happen and she is now moving up to grade 7 and we will be teaching grade 7 together.
When we taught together before she had taught Grade 5 before and she was not very helpful. I am the kind of person (I am not sure if this is good or bad) that gets a new class/grade and reads all of the material and brainstorms about ways to bring the curriculum alive. In my opinion she is the kind of teacher that takes what the teacher had planned from the year before and just does every lesson the way the other teacher did it. She photocopies their worksheets and has the kids work along in a duotang (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz). At first I would ask her what she thought about doing this or doing that and she would always say sure whatever you want. I realized that I was revamping things and she had no input and then when I went to explain what I was thinking she couldn't follow along what I was doing. It took so much time to explain things that it became a job just to let her know what I was doing and how I was doing it. To be honest I just couldn't be bothered. There was never any give and take and on the very very rare occasion when she came up with an idea she would just mention the idea, never cultivate it and never have any follow through. She would say something like I think we should do tissue paper pumpkins. Then I would ask her if she had a lesson plan or any ideas how we would teach the lesson. She would just sit there and look at me with a blank stare. So I would go out and buy the tissue, cut the strips for both classes and then she would ask me if that was all I had cut. Finally I just had enough and I started to do my own thing. At first it was awkward because she would ask what we were doing for art/social studies/science etc. and I would say things like " I was thinking of doing ________ with my class". Then I would show her what I bought and tell her where I got the stuff. I know I could have just as easily picked up stuff for her but I guess I am petty.
On a personal note I just don't like her (wow, I am not nice). She is so different from what you would expect. Looking at her you would think she was a young hip teacher full of ideas but I just don't see that. She always says things like "that sounds like a lot of work" when we are brainstorming ideas in meetings.
Did I mention I will be working with her again this year. She has already asked the previous teacher repeatedly for her memory stick (heaven forbid she write a test or an assignment). Of course I understand her wanting to see what other people have done but I can just see her lazy wheels turning. She is just someone who piggy backs on others and I hate that. She literally had the same thing on her bulletin boards for 3 years. I was so embarassed for her when a parent asked her, while pointing at some work that was displayed, who James was. When she said he was a kid in her class from 3 years ago I was so embarassed for her and the school. Seriously most teachers change their boards with every major art project but at the least you change them when there are major season changes. You would feel pretty ridiculous with Christmas trees up in June.
So why do I even care???? How does she influence me??? Here it is ladies the root of the root. I hate that she is the cool teacher. That's right it's because I am usually the cool teacher. I try to include lots of hands on fun lessons that utilize group work,teachnology, drama, role playing, etc. She on the other hand doesn't bother to plan and does boring meaningless lessons (wow, I am bitter) but bribes them by taking them to McDonalds and then taking them out to play kick ball so they think she is the best. Plus she talks to them like they are her friends. She shows them pictures of the guys she is dating on her phone and gives them basic details about her love life. She even tells them when she gets her period and has to go to the bathroom. Um can we say unprofessional....or maybe I am just a boring old dud.

Psychic

Okay I am not really psychic....... or am I. I know this is weird to say but I always knew I was going to be infertile. I literally always got a feeling in the pit of my stomach when people would talk about how terrible it would be to have problems conceiving. I just knew somewhere deep inside that, that was going to be the fight I was going to have to fight.
A while ago I read someones blog that mentioned that they could not envision herself with a child. She was going through all of the treatments but couldn't see it in her head. This also scares me because I used to picture myself being pregnant and having a newborn but I no longer have dreams about this. I am not sure if this is just because I am blocking it so that I don't torture myself or if it has a deeper meaning.
I can't even mention another vision that I have because it is literally morbid and I don't even want to say it because that is just bad luck.

Back to Business

Well summer vacation is officially over. Starting tomorrow I will be back in the classroom although the kids don`t start until after Labour Day long weekend. I have tons to do but I am feeling calm. This is my first year that I get to keep the same classroom and teach the same grade. Although I have to redo most of my bulletin boards the task seems less daunting than previous years.
Something that has been constantly on my mind is this study that I might be eligible for. I am not counting on it because it is such a long shot but I know I will be disappointed if I don`t qualify for it. It is hard to swallow that having my birthday too month later might exclude me from $30,000-$40,000 worth of medical care. Either way though I really want to get IVF underway. I hate this limbo and I need to be doing something proactive in my quest to conceive.

Acupuncture

So I mentioned before that I am planning to do some acupuncture when we do IVF. I called today to get more information and was a bit shocked. Let me start by saying I am a skeptic by nature (not about whether acupuncture will work but about people swindling me). So I talked to a bunch of different acupuncturists and got different prices and plans from each of them. The women that seemed the most knowledgable suggested that we do 5 treatments in the next week (with a price tag of $500). Is this normal? Should I start this early if I am not doing IVF for a couple of months? Can I just wait until I am doing IVF to get acupuncture?

Some Warning Please!!!

So I went wedding dress shopping with one of my girlfriends and let's just say it was not what I expected. First she was late and conveniently the dress boutique was right next to a mommy and baby yoga studio. There was a sea of colourful Bugaboo strollers in every direction (although they were mostly being pushed by nannies). When she finally arrived 20 mins late she notified me that her friend was joining us. This had me start to panic right away because this friend just had a baby 6 weeks ago. I have never met her but she also has endometriosis(mild case) and had a laproscopic so my friend always updates me on how maybe I will be lucky like her. She was one of those mythical women that got pregnant the month after her surgery.
I felt awkward as they fawned over the baby and discussed child birth, pregnancy and how life is so different with a baby. She just couldn't believe how her memory has gone since she had her little angel(no kidding because you should remember from your minute of infertility that the last thing I want to hear about is your little miracle).
Grr!!!!

What Hubby Should Have Said!

So we have a wedding coming up (not until October) in New Brunswick and I mentioned to DH that I was nervous to go because I have gained a lot of weight (I weighed 128 when we got married and now I am 145). I thought he would say don't be crazy you are beautiful and look great or something along those lines. However as always he pointed out that I had 2 months to get in shape and hit the gym. Grr...I know it is the truth but I wish he would just make me feel great about the way I am. Of course what is in the back of my head is how much he used to tell me how he loved my flat stomach (which is no longer). He used to trace my belly button for hours now I swat him away because he hands seem to sit on my pooch. What is totally annoying is he never wants to go out and get active together. I would love to go for nightly walks but he is always so tired from working all day (understandably because he works 11 hours most days). Plus his absolute favourite thing to do is go out for dinner. Not only that he always stops on his way home from work and grabs "treats". How do you say no when someone shows up with a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Hint, hint DH if you want a skinny wife stop ordering extra butter on your popcorn and getting candy to go with that large popcorn!!!

Lots of Kid Time Lately!!!

I have had a pretty busy weekend. I got to babysit my one year old nephew Cole on Thursday night and then my one year old neice Ruby on Saturday. They are both so adorable and I loved rocking them to sleep and playing with them. I also met up with one of my girlfriends and her daughter on Friday. We played and I got to read her bedtime stories, she is so smart and adorable. It's funny because although I hate being around pregnant ladies I love hanging out with kids. For some reason I can handle it and it makes me feel reassured that one day I will make a great mom(who knows when and how).

Fingers Crossed

I am trying not to get excited but something has come to my attention that is making me think something great might have fallen into my lap. I have the tendency to jump five steps ahead in everything I do and get myself all worked up for nothing so I am trying really hard not to do this. So here it is......I was researching how Coenzyme Q10 (one of the suppliments I was planning to take during IVF) influences egg quality during IVF and a research study popped up. It couldn't be more perfect because it is investigating to see if women over 35 who use Coenzyme Q10 have more success in IVF. Uh, that could be me!!!! It turns out that the doctor who is running the study works out of a clinic right near my school so I emailed him to see if he still needed participants for his study (because don't they cover the cost of IVF in studies???). So I emailed the doctor and he said infact they were still looking for a few couples (although they are almost finished screening participants). So I immediately called my fertility clinic and requested for them to fax my information over to the other clinic. I am going crazy wondering if I am a good fit for the study. The truth is my birthday to turn 35 is in 2 months but hopefully they won't notice right away. The fact is that the study requires you to take 2 months of Q10 so the IVF wouldn't be until after I am already 35.
I am driving myself crazy obsessing over this. Did my clinic get their slow moving asses in gear and actually fax the information? Did they remember to send G's too? Why hasn't the research doctor called me?
Well I guess I have 2 weeks to wait to see if I am a fit because the doctor told me in the email they will be setting up the final interviews for participants in the next 2 weeks.
Anyways, I have probably cursed this by even mentioning it but I am so bad at secrets. I always warn people when I become friends with them that I am not a good secret keeper. I don't do it maliciously I just get excited and have no self control.

Eastern Medicine

Hi Ladies,
I have been doing some reading on egg quality and I am interested in all of the Eastern Medical approaches. When we do IVF I am definitely going to do acupunture but I also want to do some suppliments to increase my chances of getting a BFP. Although I have read that any changes in diet and lifestyle take 4 months to positively effect my eggs I think it is better to start now than never. I have read a couple of other people's blogs and found some suppliments that might help. I would love input if there is anything missing on my list.
1. Prenatal vitamins
2. Fish Oil (reduce the growth of endo)
3. Wheatgrass
4. Coenzyme Q10
5. Vitamin D
6. Vitamin C
7. Royal Jelly
8. Folic Acid

Melt Down

Well I had an absolute melt down today. First of all I hadn't left the house since I got home from my drs appointment. Actually I really hadn't even left the couch. I was exhausted (probably from over sleeping and doing nothing). Hubby came home from work and I mentioned that I had sent the dr an email. He only half listened and shrugged his shoulders and I snapped. I feel like I am so much more invested in this process then him and he just goes with the flow. I know in my brain that it would be dangerous if we were both obsessed but some more interest would be nice. So I just shut down. I started sobbing left the room and headed to our bed to hide under the covers. Of course hubby followed me and apologized for not being more sensitive but I couldn't get myself together. I think I am having a mental break down. We were supposed to go to his brothers for dinner (who has a one year old) so I told him I wasn't going. He said he understood but that he felt he should stay home too. Eventually I settled down and begged him to go without me. I just don't want his family to judge us and think we flake out on plans. The reason I didn't want to go is because his brother always makes it sound like it is just us for dinner and then a bunch of couples (with kids) show up. We are always the odd people out. All of the women talk about kids and pregnancy and I feel trapped. Plus my SIL's best friend just had a baby less than a month ago so I didn't really want to hear "the birth story". Anyways, hubby asked me if I was comfortable going if we were the only ones going, when I replied yes he texted his brother. I was mortified thinking he said I was only coming if it was just us but he was much more clever than that. We were responsible for desert so he just asked how many people we needed to feed. To my great surprise we were the only people there and we had a nice time (no baby talk!!!).
Tomorrow I have my neice and nephew for a sleepover so it should be fun. I am going to take them bowling, to glow in the dark mini golfing, and then to pizza hut. It should be fun, so wish me luck!

Letter to my doctor

Hi,
Thanks to the support of my fellow bloggers I have decided to try and be more proactive in this process. I have taken Kathleen's suggestion and insisted on emailing my doctor about my concerns and requests. Now how succussful it will be is still unknown. He doesn't have a public direct email but I have sent a message through the general inquiry section on the website (as suggested by his nurse) with attention to my doctor.

Dear Dr. G

I am following up regarding our appointment yesterday. My husband and I have discussed moving on to IVF at length and are ready to do so now regardless of if my tubes are blocked. We are interested in expediting this process. Instead of waiting another 6 weeks for test results we are requesting to schedule the necessary appointments now. We would like to get the process of IVF underway sooner than later.
We have scheduled the appointments you have requested and will be in to see you on September 22.
I hope that you can understand the sense of urgency to move this process along in a more timely manner.
Thank you for your understanding,
Kelly

Please let me know what you ladies think of the letter

The stages of grief

Is it possible to go through the stages of grief in less than 2 hours? I feel like I have. I had my doctors appointment and again I did not get any of my questions answered. I am so mad at myself but more mad at my doctor. I am beginning to think he is intenionally trying to cut my off and rush me out (I know I sound naive). I have always had so much faith in my doctor. Mostly because we have a family connection and he knows my dad through golf so I figured I was getting some sort of personal care. However, it really doesn't seem that way anymore. He never remembers anything about my previous appointments and where we are in the process to conceive. Today he actually asked me if we wanted to start thinking about conceiving after we know now how severe the endo is. Uh no shit Sherlock, that's how we found the endo in the first place!!!!!!!! Then he asked about the pain from recovering from my surgery. By the way I have seen him twice since my surgery and we have discussed it both times. Not only that but he stands in the doorway and doesn't even sit while we are talking. So here's how the appointment went from what I can remember. Hi Kelly (me) how are you dealing with your pain? This confused me because the last time I met with him I had told him there was no pain. Although since then I have started to have pain so I felt like I had to remind him that it has just started in the last month. Then he asked if I wanted to consider trying to conceive, and I gulped down hard and said and I would like to be very aggressive. He said we should do an x-ray to see if my tubes are blocked. I reminded him that I had, had an HSG before the surgery and that both my tubes were clear. He seemed confused but continued on and said that there were some abnormalities. I asked if he meant with my tubes and then he said your surgery yielded much more severe endo than we had anticipated. I asked what kind of abnormalities again and he said there was lots of scar tissue. Then I asked him if I could have an ultra sound to see if I had more cysts because I am having lots of pains. He agreed and he said that we will get together again in 6 weeks once we get the results from the x-rays of my tubes and the ultra sound. He said once we know if the tubes are blocked we can make a plan. I started to ask my list of questions and he said to save them until we have all of the facts. I felt like he was blowing me off!!
Now I have an entirely new list of questions: Did anyone else have another HSG after surgery? Do tubes block from having surgery to remove endo????? Why would we have done the surgery then? Can your tubes become malformed in 4 months?? What did he mean by abnormalities? Why didn't he mention these abnormalities before???
When he said we will make a plan after we find out if my tubes are blocked he mentioned that if they are blocked we will go right to IVF (obviously!!!!). Then he said even if they aren't blocked we can discuss IVF because it might be the best avenue. What about my fucking egg quality?????? Why didn't he answer that question? Why do I always have to wait?????

My list for the Fertility Dr.

1. I have stabbing pains in both my ovaries again
2. I also get shooting pains throughout the month from my ovaries down to my vajayjay
3. Plus I have pins and needles in my vajajay off and on
4. I want to take a more aggressive approach
5. What can be done to improve my egg quality?
6. Should I have a ultra-sound to see if my cysts/endometriomas are back?
7. Do you think Clomid would be helpful?
8. Would an IUI be a good avenue for me even though I have "bad eggs"?
9. Do you think we should just go straight to IVF?
10. Should I be thinking about finding an egg donor or is that premature?
11. GIVE ME DRUGS AND LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts

It's funny because I am more exhausted now then when I am teaching. I have no idea why I am so tired but G seems to think it is because my usual schedule is off. I have been "busy" although the things I have been doing aren't terribly constructive. Actually I ended up going back to the United States for some shopping with my mom. I love my mom but being with her can be exhausting!!!! Tonight G and I went to the Blue Jay game and they totally sucked. When we left the Jays were loosing 9-1. Oh well, I am not a huge baseball fan so we went to China Town for some delicious food.
Tomorrow is my doctors appointment which I have been waiting 3 months for (okay that is a slight exaggeration). I always go into these appointments promising myself that I won't leave unless he make a more aggressive plan but then I freeze as soon as the doctor comes in. I say everything is great, I feel great, I love being infertile and I agree that waiting and watching is the best way to go. THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT, I hope.
I have my list of questions and demands and I have to stick with them. I will not leave that office without an aggressive plan.
WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20 things I love

1. Hubby
2. Family
3. Traveling
4. Laughing out loud
5. A great outdoor concert
6. Good Conversation
7. Curling up with a great book
8. Sleeping in
9. Lying on a beech
10. Girls night in
11. The first day of school
12. The last day of school
13. Going to the movies
14. Sitting on the dock at the cottage with my toes in the water looking at the stars
15. Getting a great deal
16. Hubby's homemade Seafood Dinners (Lobster/King Crab legs/Scallops/Shrimp)
17. Fresh Sheets
18. Driving with the windows down listening to a great song
19. The smell of fresh laundry
20. The feeling of wearing new socks

Great Weekend!

This weekend was our wedding anniversary and G planned a trip to Niagara Falls for us. It is a very rare thing for G to have a weekend off and we made the most of it. We had a really nice dinner at The Keg overlooking the falls and then hit the casino. Then on Saturday we headed over the border for some outlet shopping before we went golfing. Then we had a couple of Margaritas and hit the casino again. Although we didn't win any money we had a nice time together.
I assume that most husbands in the IF world frequently talk about baby making plans but G is not that guy. He is happy to take a back seat and let me make the appointments and decisions. I would prefer he was online researching and making suggestions but that just isn't him. I am pretty sure he doesn't even like talking about it at all. In fact he likes to pretend the problem doesn't really exist. He puts a positive swing on everything (this can be annoying) and is always optomistic. He absolutely never brings up having children and doesn't seem negatively impacted by our struggles at all. This weekend was one of the first weekends he actually fully engaged in a conversation about IVF. He thinks we should just go for it sooner than later and seems to think it will work without a doubt. I try to warn him about the stats but he just doesn't hear it. When I pointed out that private adoption costs about the same but in the end you are pretty much guaranteed becoming parents (although I know it is a lengthy and involved process) he wasn't interested. Why isn't he as invested at I am? Grrrr

Bored

Well today is my first day of my real summer vacation. After finishing summer school and visiting my MIL's trailor I am now home alone and already bored. I don't know why I am not outside in the sun reading my book but I just can't be bothered. Instead I am hiding out downstairs in my familar position watching "Bringing Baby Home" on TLC. I don't know why I torture myself but here I am in tears watching other people live my dream.
I am couting down the days (1 week left) until my fertility doctor appointment. This time I am going to make an aggressive plan to take control of this baby making situation. In my head I have decided to do 3 IUIs with clomid and then move on to IVF. I guess we will have to take the "clomid challenge" to see if clomid will help my egg quality. Do they still do this? I am such a loser havig this plan because it is just based on my google reading of what other people have done. I have no idea what my doctor is going to suggest but I can't handle another 3 months of wait and watch. My grandmother left us $25,000 when she died last year and I think she would happy for us to use it in this way. I know you can sign up for single IVF treatment or 3 at a time that is a bit less expensive so I think we will go for the 3 package. Who needs a down payment for a house anyways!!!
The annoying part is that Quebec (another province in Canada) now covers 3 IVF attempts and Ontario (where I live) is in the process of approving 3 cycles. Although I guess if my 3 don't work I can rely on the government at that point (although I am sure it will be years before it is covered, knowing the government).
Anyways, I want to go to Buffalo shopping but I have nobody to go with. G works every minute and most of my friends are working.