San Franscico

Having fun, but it is freezing here. Just got an email from a really good friend (bridesmaid in my wedding). She is 7 weeks pregnant. I locked myself in the hotel bathroom and cried because I don't want hubby to know how weak I am. I feel like a big failure! It was nice of her to send me the warning email but it still feels weird that I am so pathetic that I need a warning email. Trying to stop thinking about my barren uterus. I have done such a great job avoiding these thoughts on this vacation so far. WHY DID I CHECK MY EMAIL!!!!!
I pathetically thought I was spotting yesterday, thoughts of implantation bleeding danced through my head. As if I would get pregnant during a non medicated cycle....haha. I am a nut case!

Having Fun

Well our trip is going well and as to be expected it has had some ups and downs. The major down in the weather. What happened to sunny California? We always seem to take trips when news breaking weather occurs. We have experienced lots of road closures due to flooding and landslides. My heart goes out to all of the people who have damaged homes and buisnesses due to the high volume of rain. Today is the first sunny day we have had all week and it is about time. We are in Vegas and I love this city. Tonight we are going to see the cirq show "love" and we are hitting a prime rib/seafood buffet. I am just in our hotel taking a nap while hubby stakes out the hot black jack tables for tonight.
I am not sure where my fertility journey is going to take me but I feel like my quest to get pregnant is pushed to the back of my head for the first time in 3 years. The only thing that seems to pop into my head occasionally is a fear that there is something wrong with my uterus. I continue to have pain in my cervix and I just hate the idea that we had two "perfect" embryos and they didn't manage to stick. Maybe that is my problem. What is my uterus just can't hold on to an embryo.
Anyways, Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas! Hopefully I will have renewed strength and the ability to continue on the rollercoaster of infertility.

In the Airport

We are in the airport waiting for our 6pm flight. It is freezing but we will be out of here in less than an hour. I am surrounded by happy families and a lot of new born infants. Trying to put a smile on my face!!!!
On a happy note Ashley from Calmly Chaotic got a positive Beta today and it is her birthday. Please drop by her blog and congratulate her!

Why do I have to keep taking progesterone

I am having the heaviest period of my life so why on earth would I have to keep taking the progesterone until Friday. Please tell me that you ladies would stop too because it seems ridiculous. Give me some dignity and let me move on in this process!

I have my period

Full on Red Blood. No questions to be asked it is full flow and full red blood!
I am devestated!

Talked to my RE (fertility clinic)

So I have nothing really to report. She said it could either be my period or left over implantation bleeding....um no kidding! She said that my "low grade" fever is nothing to worry about unless it gets worse. That the cramps sound like it could in fact be my period but they wouldn't know until Monday. She kept calling my bleeding spotting, which annoyed me because it is so heavy. I am now going to go back to anal supposits in an attempt to stop aggrevating my cervix....good times. My only instructions were that I was to call if the blood becomes red. I am sad to report the the colour of the blood is changing and it is getting darker and seems to be getting more of a red tinge. For the love of god let this be over.

Thanks Ladies

Hi Ladies,
I appreciate the support and I am definitely going to call my fertility clinic today. I was up all night with the worst pains yet. I am now starting to worry something is seriously wrong (like an ectopic). I fully expected to have gushing red blood when I checked my undies this morning but nothing. This is the strangest thing. I just don't know what my body is doing. I am now in class while my kids are busy writing an exam and I am dying to go to the bathroom to check out the situation down there. The cramps are continuing and I find it very hard to think that some serious bleeding hasn't started. I am so tempted to down a bottle of A*LEVE but I am holding myself back. I guess I am still holding out the slightest bit of chance that something positive is going on inside me, although I think that is a pipe dream. I am actually more worried about my sanity and health than a pregnancy.
On a positive note Hubby and I are closer than ever. He is finally fully invested in this and it is taking a toll on him too. He has been physically and emotionally comforting me like never before. He is devasted by the events of the past week and we have been snuggling up together every chance we get. We keep joking that California is going to be our second honeymoon. Let's just say I haven't been in "the mood" lately and it will be great to reconnect and just let the events of the past 6 weeks go. I am starting to wonder if Napa Valley has enough wine because we are going to do some serious damage!
As far as the comments from the family, I know that they were 100% from a place of love and concern. No harm was meant and actually I don't think their comments are what made me cry. I am a nervous wreck and I am crying all day everyday anyways. The strangest thing is that the only thing that made me feel any better at the family functions was being able to hang out with my neices and nephews. Go Figure
Thanks for all your support. Where would I be without my blogging sisters?????

Higher Flow (warning TMI)

So the amount of blood keeps getting heavier and heavier. I wouldn't call it a full period but it sure isn't "spotting". The Blood is also changing colour. It has gone from a milky lightish brown colour to a much darker brown. If you look very closely (which I have!) there is a tinge of red at times and some pink at other times. Plus, I now have a fever and am dizzy. I have no control over my emotions and I have been a disaster for the past two days. I cry at the drop of a dime and I don't care who is around. At both family Christmas parties I have managed to make a complete ass of myself, while making everyone around me completely uncomfortable! By the way, my crying isn't a pretty cry. It is a sobbing, snotty nosed, gasping for air kind of cry. Plus my cramps are out of control. Seriously worse then I have ever had. It feels like someone is taking nails and shards of glass and attacking my uterus. I always have brutal periods (especially the first full day of bleeding) but I am usually medicated and I know that it will last one maybe two days and then it will pass. With this it has been 3 full days of cramping and bleeding with no cease on the pain. I am so tempted to stop the progesterone just to bring my full period on so that I can get it over with. It seems like I am just making a shitty situation that much worse by holding my full period off and then having it as soon as we get to California Friday night! Of course I will be a good little patient and keep taking the annoying progesterone but I tell you I will be cursing the entire time I insert those G.D. things.
Just a quick note about some of the funny comments people said to me this weekend. G sent an email to his family expaining that we had just done IVF in an attempt to avoid any questions. Of course it had the opposite impact and just made people feel free to comment and ask questions. Some of the highlights were when G's stepmom came running up to me and congratulated me.....um seriously did she not understand the email...by no means did we say we were pregnant. Then my sister in law kindly informed me that adoption was an option. This came out of her mouth after she had just told me to consider freezing my eggs (weirdest comment of the night especially because the email had mentioned that I didn't respond to the stimming and that I only made 2 eggs!). Of course we were told a number of time to relax and that we will get pregnant when we stop trying.
I am counting the minutes until we fly away!

Still Bleeding

Yes I am still bleeding. It isn't very much, it is brown but it is there. It is mixed with the white cream from the supposits but it is there for the world to see. These cramps are serious, they can't be implantation cramps because I am a girl with endo and I can handle cramps. These cramps are not messing around and they are telling me that my period is not going to be held off by some measily progesterone supposits. I am sad and I am in pain. My back is killing, my head is aching, my mouth is unbelievably dry and my uterus is laughing at me. This cycle has been doomed from the beginning! I have mixed emotions. On one hand I wish I was still in the game and on the other hand I guess this is better than dragging it on and on. On a seperate note my cervix is enraged. Has anyone ever felt their cervix when they were just sitting down. Seriously who thought that was possible. I am having an alergic reaction to the progesterone. It isn't strong enough to hold off my period but it is irratating the heck out of my cervix. I appreciate people saying there is still a chance but let's get serious for a second. If this is implantation bleeding then our embryos must be the size of an elephant.

Update: I have my period

OMG, I hate my life. I have my period and I am only 6dpt transfer. It is dark brown blood but it isn't just a drop. When I wipe the toilet paper has brown blood all over it it. This sucks!!!! Goodbye holiday cheer!

Freakin Out

I know I am getting my period. I am obviously not going to start my full flow but yesterday I wiped and there was a tiny spot of pink, then today there was the littlist bit of brown blood. I have my period symptoms still, except no sore boobs. I am so upset that I could cry. I know it isn't implantation bleeding because it is way too late. Yesterday I was 5dp 3dt and today I am 6dp3dt. Please tell me that someone else had these symptoms and they still had there BFP.
Okay, on a sane note I am loving the Christmas season. My parents are home from Florida and we all went to my nephews hockey game and then to dinner last night. I think because of this process I am starting to have a new appreciation for my family. Yes my mom is overbearing, my sister is a bit super fertile(may come in handy...haha), my dad is kind of clueless, but I love them so much. They care about G and I like noone else and I couldn't love my neices and nephew more if they were my own. I even braved Toys* R*U*S and B*bies R *S twice this week to get them present for Christmas. It was so much fun looking at toys and spoiling them rotten. I went way overboard, I can do that because I am the "cool" aunt.
We are celebrating Christmas this weekend with our families because next weekend we will be on a plane to California!
Tonight is dinner at G's brother's house. We will be seeing both of his brothers, their wives and G's dad and his wife. They are all really nice (although very different from my family) and I never worry that they will say the wrong thing. They know I am infertile and never bring the subject up. They aren't a family who talk about kids a lot anyway. One of G's brothers has a son and he is the spitting image of G and his brother. For some reason it doesn't make me sad I just think he is cute and enjoy my time with him. Probably because he was born before we were trying to conceive. I have a bit of guilt that we don't see him more because I see my sister's kids all of the time. Anyways G's other brother and his wife (actually older than us) don't have kids. We have never talked about it but G seems to think they just chose not to have kids. They don't come across as "kid people" and are very career oriented (they are a high power realestate couple in their early 40s).
Sunday is dinner at my parent's house and it is usually just like every Sunday dinner with the family (when my parent's are in Toronto we go their every Sunday for dinner). My cousins come and until last year my uncle (dad's brother). My uncle was found dead in his apartment this year and it was a shock to say the least. One of my cousins is fresh out of law school and is doing the noble thing working for the government defending down and out people who can't afford lawyers. The other just got back from fighting in Iraq. We are constantly trying to get him to stay home (sorry for my friends who have husbands who are soldiers,we are selfish and just want him home safe and sound). They are great people and I am so sorry they lost their father. My uncle had some mental health issues and I know they did not necessarily have the father they deserved. Don't get me wrong my uncle was a wonderful man with lots of love in his heart, he just had a hard time with life. His personality was very similar to my dad's except for the mental health stuff. I have always been the black sheep and have always related to my uncle. He made me laugh and always seemed genuinly interested in my life. He never judged me and even when my parents couldn't relate to me, he did. Anyways, on a lighter note I have nothing to wear. I think the most evil thing about IVF is that you actually start looking preggo. The progesterone makes you retain so much in your utureus that I can't zip any of my pants. It is actually embarassing because I look like I am about 2 month preggo and I keep catching people checking my belly out. I am glad both sides of our family know that we are doing IVF because there is no chance that anyone will mistake me for being preggo.
I hope everyone has a great weekend and a Happy Holiday! Please keep your fingers crossed for us that we get our BFP.
By the way has anyone ever tested before their Beta? I thought about testing the night before because I would rather have a heads up before I go into the clinic.

I am actually sane today......for now!

So I am having a good day with very little running through my head. I definitely don't "feel" pregnant but whatever. Many other months when I was blissfully unaware of my infertility I thought for sure I was preggo because I was dizzy or had sore boobs, and you know how that turned out. My cramps are gone today, just a few twinges in my ovaries but that's my everyday reality with endo. I am starting to think those cramps last night were psychosomatic. I clearly work myself up and I need to stop!

PMS???

Um, is it possible to have P.M.S. when doing IVF? Okay I know you are going to say that it could be implantation cramps but seriously I am feeling just like I do a week before my period. I have back pain, my head is killing, my ovaries are on fire and I have been visiting the bathroom a lot (if you know what I mean). Maybe it is just my endo flaring up but if I wasn't doing IVF I would know for sure that aunt flo was on her way.
Anyways, I am busy reading a great book and relaxing by the fire place. I was letting myself be distracted so I knew if I typed this out I could clear my mind and get back to Maeve Binchy.

Mixed Emotions

So I continue to be crazy but I think a little less every day. Although I joked about having a cervical/uterine infection it is still on my mind. Other than that I am trying to stay busy at school and get ready for Christmas. Did I mention G and I are going to California for the entire break. I am really excited and I think it is the perfect plan. I will have my Beta on the Friday morning and then drive to Buffalo for our flight. So no matter what our results are we will have time to digest it together without the pressure of friends and family. We are flying in to San Diego and then out of San Franciso and in between we are going to spend Christmas in Vegas. The trip planning is helping to distract me! Plus next week my students have exams for the first time in their acadmemic life. We have been busy organizing study groups and reviewing all of the course material.
I have been having pains in my ovaries. I am sure it is my endometriosis but it is a bit unsettling.
Oh yeah, one last question. How long after an embryo transfer would a period show up if IVF is not successful??
HURRY UP 2WW!!!!

Insane

Today I had outside recess duty and I was sure my embies were going to turn into popsicles!!!

The ridiculousness continues

Why am I so crazy.......okay don't answer that.....haha. Last night I don't think I slept for even a second. If I slept my regular way on my tummy I thought I was squishing the embies, then when I rolled on my side I figured they were going into my tubes, finally I ended up on my back which there is no way that I was going to sleep that way. I just can't "relax"! I thought being at school would allow me to stop thinking about the embies but I just kept running different scenarios through my head. I need a freakin hobby. Actually I had a go at online poker to get my mind off things but I was too busy googling a million different IVF searches that it just wasn't fun. I also started a new book that is great but I keep finding myself daydreaming.
For those of you who have done IVF before please tell me that this obsessing stops!!!! I am now convinced that my bleeding cervix is a sign of an infection that has spread to my uterus.

Transfer Complete

Well who knew that an embryo transfer was so quick. Overall it was okay but of course I can find a couple of things to complain about because I like to obsess. Here's how it went down. We arrived at the clinic at 9:15 (our appointment was for 9:45) and we were ushered back to the hospital like area. I changed into the hospital gown and tried to zen out. I took my ipod and figured I would try to do my version of meditation. My perv of a accupuncturist couldn't come so I was doing my best to "relax" myself. Well the problem was that whenever I would manage to relax the nurse would want to talk to me so G would grab my leg to get my attention. I would literally jump out of my chair so I am not sure that my "relaxing" was working. Anyways, next I was taken into the "operating room" where I was met with a dr that wasn't mine. I guess that is to be expected but I really didn't even consider it an option. Anyways, truth be told I prefer the other doctor to mine. She is a friendly shorter woman who always has a smile on her face and has a cute little quirky way about her. So they start off by doing an external ultra sound (I forgot they have those) and it turns out my bladder was not full. This always happens to me. I drank over a litre of water but I don't think I start drinking it early enough. She also suggested that maybe I had been dehydrated and just absorbed the water. I know now that isn't the truth because I have peed 5 times since coming home. Luckily she said because I was thin (I haven't felt thin in a couple of years but I will take the compliment) that she could see my innards well enough anyways. Next she inserted the speculum which was not particularily pleasant because it was the big one but to be expected. Then she had to do something with my cervix and as always the pain started. She said that it was ultra sensitive and that it was bleeding the minute she touched it. So it was a minute of pain and then it was just a bit uncomfortable. Once the catheter was in they were able to get it where they wanted and to release my little embies. I was surprised because right after they finished they had me hop off of the bed and go get changed and leave. I thought I was supposed to stay lying down on the table for an hour but that was not the case. Anyways I am now at home and am trying to stay still. I seem to have to go to the bathroom every 10 mins which is freaking me out. Plus (sorry to be disgusting) I seem to have gas. I keep thinking everytime I toot the embies will fly out of the lining of my uterus and end up in my underwear. Plus I have been sneezing like crazy. I don't think I have sneezed this much in the last 10 years. Luckily G looked it up and all I need is a relaxed uterus, what I didn't realize was that that the embies don't implant for 2-5 days. So now I am free to pee away!
Please think sticky thoughts for me!!!

You girls are right

I have to just let it be what it will be. No more researching and driving myself crazy! I stand just as good of a chance as anyone for my embies to stick and the best thing I can do is "relax". I will do my best I promise.

We are back in the game!

Pinch me because I think I am dreaming. The lab called today and said both of my only two eggs that I got from retrieval have divided and would be considered Grade 1 (the highest at my clinic). He said they were above average embryos! I have never had anything above average so this is something to celebrate. Can you imagine something about this process could be above average. Now don't get me wrong I know this is only a small victory for most people but this is HUGE in my life. I never thought when they retrieved only 2 eggs that I would even be going to retrieval. It seems like a miracle! We are now back to the odds that we started with. We were always planning to transfer 2 embryos and now we can. Not that I don't want to get preggo because that is obviously the ultimate goal but I am just so happy to have a chance.
Now back to my regular worrying. I have read 3 research study that said that longer stimming is correlated to lower transfer rates. I hate this information! The studies suggest that extra days of stimming increases egg quality but for some reason the eggs don't attach as easily. So now I am off to research how to increase my chances of a successful transfer. I guess I will call the perv accupuncturist after all because I need to do everything and everything in my power to make these embies stick.

Misled

Hi Ladies,
I think my last post was misleading and I apologize. I was in a drugged up state when I made the post from the recovery room after my retrieval. I didn't have all of the information and I am one to jump to conclusions. I had heard them talking about my empty follicles and I was distroyed. It turns out that I actually had 5 empty follicles but 2 eggs were retrieved. Thanks for all of the love and anger over my disasterous retrieval. I really never even thought there was a chance of empty follicles. It didn't even register on my radar until yesterday. Does anyone know if I am now more likely to have empty follicles in furture cycles?
I actually passed yesterday afternoon and didn't wake up until 5am this morning. I am still devastated by the results but I guess I should be grateful that they got any. It feels like such a mourning period but I have to start looking on the bright side of things.
THE BEST news about it all is that I got a call today and both of my 2 eggs have fertilized. I know this is only a very small victory and they have a long way to go in dividing and developing but this is the best thing that has happened all cycle. I cried tears of joy this morning because I was in such shock.

Empty Follicles

Enough said!

Feeling the love

I just want to thank my blogging friend Kksun from "The Road Less Traveled" for recognizing little old me for "The Cherry on Top Award". It has put me in the perfect mood for my retrieval tomorrow.




I would like to give the award to the following fabulous bloggers:
Kathleen at "As Fast as Baby Can"-who is facing some tough decisions
Alex at "Alex's Adventures" who seems to be a follicle making machine
Sarah at "The Rocky Road to Motherhood" who got her BFP
Debbie at "The Infertile Farmer" who just had a very successful FET
Heather at "The Road Less Traveled" who is starting the injection rollercoaster again

Just save the picture and paste it into your next post. Then nominate 5 ladies you would like to give the award to. Thanks for making my journey a little easier!

What will I do with myself!

Today marks the first time in what seems like a very long time that I will not be having a needle or a doctors appointment! I have no idea what I will do with myself.