Okay I don't want to create bad karma and I promised myself I would only think optomistic thoughts but I lied....haha. So the clinic did not call me back like they said they would (this happened yesterday too) so I had to call and follow up. I hate calling because it always makes me feel so desperate but I gave in and called around 3:30 because they close at 4:00. So I asked if they still wanted me to take the gonal F and they said of course (like I should know when they didn't call me back). Then I asked if my estrogen was still high and she said that it had dropped. This kind of frustrates me because I thought they were planning to call me if it dropped. Anyways, she asks if I took my superfact this morning and I said of course (because they told me to) Then she said I shouldn't have because we could have used a little spike in the estrogen. Okay, so what am I supposed to do about that now. Anyways, so now I am worried about it "bottoming out" , although I don't know what that means and what the risks are assoicated with that.
Anyways, I am still triggering tonight and taking the Gonal F but now I am worried that my eggs are going to dry up because of my low estrogen. Also another thing that keeps popping into my head is that my eggs are going to be stale because they have been hanging around for too long. If everyone could just wait until all of their follicles got big enough to retrieve why wouldn't they?????? Some sort of quality must go down now that I am 4 days past my regularily scheduled retrieval.
Oh yeah and I am worried about G's sperm. We were told that he couldn't releave himself for 4 days before the procedure but then they kept moving the date back. So now we are worried that his boys will be wonky because he hasn't releaved himself in over a week. I asked the lady today if he should pull one off and she said it was up to us. ahh.........so frustrating aren't they the professionals. So now the question is to wank or not to wank......hahah!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
We are going for it!
So it has been total limbo for the last 2 days. We keep thinking we will go into the clinic and they will make a decision one way or another. Yet we kept going in and they would tell us to take one more night of Gonal F and then decide after an ultra sound the next day. So today after the same decision for the fourth day in a row I asked to speak to my doctor instead of the IVF nurses. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and that I either wanted to convert to an IUI or get on with the retrieval (okay I wasn't that authoratative but I did pussy foot around the subject and I tried to tell them how taxing it has been on me). So although they upped my Gonal F and I am taking it for the 14 consecutive day in a row tonight I am also scheduled to trigger (Unless they call me and my estrogen has bottomed out). We have a plan and I am over the moon excited. I am going to do my best to stay optomistic and although they may only retrieve 3 little eggies I will love those eggs and just be happy they got any. Please keep your fingers crossed for me I am going to need the positive vibes! Our retrieval is booked for Thursday and then the transfer will Sunday...........can we say finally!!!!!!! Yes I really thought about cancelling but after a lot of soul searching and a bit of pressure from my mom and sister I am just going with the flow.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The saga continues
I am learning that I don't have a backbone. I am so easily swayed it isn't even funny. I went into my drs appt today thinking I was putting my foot down and cancelling the cycle and now we are still in limbo. Dr. G says he wants to take one last look tomorrow and then decide if we should give up on the IVF cycle and opt for an IUI. I have a lot of feelings about this and they are running through my head like crazy. I think I might actually know what it feels like to be mentally ill (I am not poking fun I am serious) and to have uncontrolable thoughts jumping into my brain.
So here is the updated follicle situation. At our clinic they expect to only retrieve eggs from follicles that measure at least 2.0 (again I don't know the unit of measure). Generally the follicles grow .2 per day and we have until Tuesday for them to grow. As it stands I have three that look good to go (1.9, 1.8, 1.7), three that are on the verge (1.4, 1.5, 1.6) and two that are a long shot (both 1.2). So I guess if the three that are on the verge grow there .2 or more then my doctor is going to suggest that we continue on to do the retrieval. Otherwise he will suggest an IUI. I am not that stoked about an IUI, because the reason we are doing IVF is because we aren't good candidates for IUI. The stats for women over 35 with Stage IV endometriosis doing IUIs are ridiculously low! I feel like they just do IUIs when IVF is cancelled to keep their patients busy and feeling like there is some hope left.
So those are our options. Try to retrieve between 3-6 eggs or convert to IUI and be more aggressive with the stim drugs next cycle. By the way my sister is insisting that she wants to give me her eggs and she is very serious. I have told her the ugly truth about the process and she says she doesn't care she wants to do it. Her husband has offered to take off time from work the days she has drs appointments and they have already dicussed the details. Hubby and I feel so loved and so much better to think that we have a back up plan. I know that she has offered before but I thought seeing me go through the tears and endless appointments that she would be turned off. She says one month out of her life no matter how uncomfortable it is is worth my lifetime of a happy family. She also mentioned that I could give her a lung or kidney. Then we joked about selling her eggs on the black market to finance her renovation on her house. I have the best family in the world even though they drive me crazy most of the time.
So here is the updated follicle situation. At our clinic they expect to only retrieve eggs from follicles that measure at least 2.0 (again I don't know the unit of measure). Generally the follicles grow .2 per day and we have until Tuesday for them to grow. As it stands I have three that look good to go (1.9, 1.8, 1.7), three that are on the verge (1.4, 1.5, 1.6) and two that are a long shot (both 1.2). So I guess if the three that are on the verge grow there .2 or more then my doctor is going to suggest that we continue on to do the retrieval. Otherwise he will suggest an IUI. I am not that stoked about an IUI, because the reason we are doing IVF is because we aren't good candidates for IUI. The stats for women over 35 with Stage IV endometriosis doing IUIs are ridiculously low! I feel like they just do IUIs when IVF is cancelled to keep their patients busy and feeling like there is some hope left.
So those are our options. Try to retrieve between 3-6 eggs or convert to IUI and be more aggressive with the stim drugs next cycle. By the way my sister is insisting that she wants to give me her eggs and she is very serious. I have told her the ugly truth about the process and she says she doesn't care she wants to do it. Her husband has offered to take off time from work the days she has drs appointments and they have already dicussed the details. Hubby and I feel so loved and so much better to think that we have a back up plan. I know that she has offered before but I thought seeing me go through the tears and endless appointments that she would be turned off. She says one month out of her life no matter how uncomfortable it is is worth my lifetime of a happy family. She also mentioned that I could give her a lung or kidney. Then we joked about selling her eggs on the black market to finance her renovation on her house. I have the best family in the world even though they drive me crazy most of the time.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
My dreams are dashed!
Today feels like the worst day of my life. I went to the doctor thinking that I had 6maybe 7 follicles for my retrieval on Tuesday and now there is a 90% chance the cycle will be cancelled. I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head and I am just damn sick and tired of this entire situation! I am mad as hell at everyone and everything and mostly at myself. Why did I believe that IVF was the answer to all of my problems? No I didn't expect it to work the first time but I thought at the very least it would be a learning experience. I figured we would get a bunch of follicles, we'd implant a couple and maybe it would or maybe it wouldn't work. Well I don't like what I learned and I am feeling very hopeless. Today we found out that 3 of our 6 follicles from yesterday are not coming along and will not make it to retrieval day. Unless some sort of miracle happens tonight, and I am not affraid of begging and pleading for this miracle. Then tomorrow wer are left deciding if we want to continue the cycle if we only have 3 follicles or should we just call it a day.
Hubby and I have very conflicting feelings about this. I can't handle any more heart break and just want to stop. Plus it seems like flushing away money to retrieve 3 eggs ($5800) and hope for the best. If we stop now we are only out $3000 (My work pays $2000 of it) that we paid in drugs. But if we do the retrieval we are out an extra $5800. I looked up the research and the stats of getting a bfp are very low for women my age (35) who only retrieve 3 eggs. I just think that next time we could skip the birth control pill (apparently my body didn't bounce back from it) and we could start with a higher dose of Gonal F. However, hubby thinks we have put too much into this and that we should follow it through. He is of the mind set that it only takes one egg. The problem with this popular theory is that research proves that women my age who stimulate fewer follicles not only have low ovarian reserve they also have low egg quality. Therefore our chances of having a viable embryo are less too. Hubby thinks we should wait so that we can get more information about our eggs. I just can't even think about how I will feel if I go through the retrieval and then have no eggs to transfer. Or if I am left to transfer low grade embryos and have to go through the BFN again. I will be devasted!
I talked to my parents and they agree with hubby (but remember I am surrounded by sunshinny people that put a positive spin on everything!). My parents have offered to pay for the cycle and say that we should use it as a learning experience. I think they are amazing and that the offer was so generous and filled with love. However, I would rather use that money on a cycle that wasn't doomed from the beginning. Why not wait a month, have a fresh start and see if we can get more follies. Trust me, I will be sure to take them up on the offer of paying for a cycle but I just don't think we should let our emotions get in the way. Yes I have been through a lot this month, yes it would be nice to think that we are still in the game, but no I don't want to be let down again.
At this point unless a miracle happens tomorrow and suddenly the lazy 3 catch up I am leaning towards cancelling the cycle.
What do you ladies think? Please be blunt and don't be affraid of hurting my feelings. I like honesty and I need help!
Hubby and I have very conflicting feelings about this. I can't handle any more heart break and just want to stop. Plus it seems like flushing away money to retrieve 3 eggs ($5800) and hope for the best. If we stop now we are only out $3000 (My work pays $2000 of it) that we paid in drugs. But if we do the retrieval we are out an extra $5800. I looked up the research and the stats of getting a bfp are very low for women my age (35) who only retrieve 3 eggs. I just think that next time we could skip the birth control pill (apparently my body didn't bounce back from it) and we could start with a higher dose of Gonal F. However, hubby thinks we have put too much into this and that we should follow it through. He is of the mind set that it only takes one egg. The problem with this popular theory is that research proves that women my age who stimulate fewer follicles not only have low ovarian reserve they also have low egg quality. Therefore our chances of having a viable embryo are less too. Hubby thinks we should wait so that we can get more information about our eggs. I just can't even think about how I will feel if I go through the retrieval and then have no eggs to transfer. Or if I am left to transfer low grade embryos and have to go through the BFN again. I will be devasted!
I talked to my parents and they agree with hubby (but remember I am surrounded by sunshinny people that put a positive spin on everything!). My parents have offered to pay for the cycle and say that we should use it as a learning experience. I think they are amazing and that the offer was so generous and filled with love. However, I would rather use that money on a cycle that wasn't doomed from the beginning. Why not wait a month, have a fresh start and see if we can get more follies. Trust me, I will be sure to take them up on the offer of paying for a cycle but I just don't think we should let our emotions get in the way. Yes I have been through a lot this month, yes it would be nice to think that we are still in the game, but no I don't want to be let down again.
At this point unless a miracle happens tomorrow and suddenly the lazy 3 catch up I am leaning towards cancelling the cycle.
What do you ladies think? Please be blunt and don't be affraid of hurting my feelings. I like honesty and I need help!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
and then there were five.....!
Well not what I dreamed about but I guess 5 are better than just one measly follicle. At first I got excited because while I was having the ultra sound the ultra sound teach counted out loud and from what I overheard there were seven on the right side and two on the left. By the way I hate the left because it is where I have the majority of my cycts and this just gives me more reason to hate it. Anyways, when I met with the IVF nurse she said that in fact that I had three on the right and two on the left. They are all measuring approx 1.2 (I don't even know the units of measure). Again I am not totally excited about the results but I don't get any reaction from the IVF nurse. She said that my ovaries have been working hard since Monday and that 5 follicles is absolutely fine. Uh hello lady.....for close to $8,000 fine isn't what I was hoping for. I wanted to be a follicle making machine. The doctor said the goal was 10-15 and I would have liked to have had 16 for good measure. Anyways, like hubby always tells me I am not going to have a pity party. Five is enough to do a retrieval and we only need 2 for transfer day anyways. Also I am thinking that maybe the other follicles the ultra sound tech counted might have been just a bit too small to count and might grow for my appointment tomorrow. At this point I would be over the moon for nine follicles!
Confession- Last night I tried to convince hubby to inject me with all the left over drops in my Gonal F pens. It would have been a total of less than 40 (again I don't know the unit of measure) but it would have made me feel better. He wouldn't do it but I know I can break him. Tonight I am using a pen that has 300 in it and I am only supposed to use 225. I am going to do my best to convince him that we should use the entire pen. I know you are all thinking I am crazy...and you are correct. I am baby crazy and in my opinion the doctors are just guessing my dosage. Come on I produced 9 follicles on my own with no meds during my observation cycle (and that was on day 3!).
I wish everyone else a very successful month whether you are cycling or not!
Confession- Last night I tried to convince hubby to inject me with all the left over drops in my Gonal F pens. It would have been a total of less than 40 (again I don't know the unit of measure) but it would have made me feel better. He wouldn't do it but I know I can break him. Tonight I am using a pen that has 300 in it and I am only supposed to use 225. I am going to do my best to convince him that we should use the entire pen. I know you are all thinking I am crazy...and you are correct. I am baby crazy and in my opinion the doctors are just guessing my dosage. Come on I produced 9 follicles on my own with no meds during my observation cycle (and that was on day 3!).
I wish everyone else a very successful month whether you are cycling or not!
Monday, November 22, 2010
One Freakin Follicle
Tell me I didn't go through all of this for one freakin follicle. I have been on Superfact since Nov 8 and just finished four days of Gonal F. I have no idea what day that makes me in my cycle (for some reason I think maybe 5 but I could be making that up) and I only have one follicle. This can't be good! Does that mean all that money I have spent on meds has been for nothing. What annoys me further is that when I was at the clinic this morning they acted like it was normal but then called my husband in the afternoon to say that they needed to up my dose of Gonal F.....no kidding Sherlock. Why the He** didn't they figure that out while I was at the clinic and why did they sell my another Gonal F pen that was for the wrong dosage. So my husband had try drive 2 hours (one each way) to go pick up the right dose for tonight. So anyways now I have gone from 150 to 225 of Gonal F per day. The most ridiculous thing is they won't let me return the pen that they sold me this morning. They said instead they will combine the left overs from varioius pens to create a full dosage......seems ghetto to me!
I think today might be the first day that I let my hormones affect me at school. I know that the stress of IVF has been what caused Hubby and I to fight lately but I didn't think it was directly related to my hormones. It has been more about the pressure I feel surrounding the whole process. But today I was a bitch. My kids were just being kids but I couldn't take it and got mad at them for flipping pages in their binders. Um.....not exactley teacher of the year...haha. I guess it could have been worse.
Anyways thanks for all the support and I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who doesn't have a saint for a husband. I know he is trying he just needs to up his game. Driving to the clinic today definitely earned him some extra points. As far as the perv of an accupuncturist I have decided to take DH to the next appointment. That way hubby is more involved and Dr. Perv can back off!
I think today might be the first day that I let my hormones affect me at school. I know that the stress of IVF has been what caused Hubby and I to fight lately but I didn't think it was directly related to my hormones. It has been more about the pressure I feel surrounding the whole process. But today I was a bitch. My kids were just being kids but I couldn't take it and got mad at them for flipping pages in their binders. Um.....not exactley teacher of the year...haha. I guess it could have been worse.
Anyways thanks for all the support and I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who doesn't have a saint for a husband. I know he is trying he just needs to up his game. Driving to the clinic today definitely earned him some extra points. As far as the perv of an accupuncturist I have decided to take DH to the next appointment. That way hubby is more involved and Dr. Perv can back off!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Trying the Postive thing.....still fighting with hubby
Everyone keeps telling me that this is a stressful time in my life and that fighting with the hubby is to be expected. Basically they are telling me to cut hubby some slack. I guess I am just way too stubborn for my own good. I will give in but it really isn't in my nature. We kind of made up from our previous fight over the lasagna/preggo co-worker but that was short lived. I have a very short fuse right now so I think my silent treatment is just the tip of the iceburg. So basically fight #2 was over my Gonal F shot. Hubby knows that I can't give the shot to myself (I faint when giving blood) so when I started my shots on Thursday night I mentioned to hubby (who I have barely been talking to) that they had to be taken around the same time every night. Hubby didn't seem to have any reaction to what I said and proceeded to shoot me up. So then about an hour later when things between us seemed to be going much better he announces that he has a work Christmas Party to go to on Friday night (that he has never mentioned before). So basically what he is saying is that he will be out all night and I am Shit out of luck as far as the shot goes. This frustrates me to no end because he minimalizes the situation and says just give it to yourself. Oh sure, why didn't I think of that.....ah freakin asshole...I can't do it! So I had to drive an hour to my sister's house to have her inject me. His excuse for not telling me about the party was that we weren't speaking anyways and that the shot is no big deal. Got it, I am in this alone!
On another note I think my accupuncturist might be a pervert. No seriously the first time we met he was way too casual and I am 100% sure I caught him looking at my boobs. This is bizarre because I barely have any but I did catch him with locked eyes on my little beauties. Then yesterday I had lovered my pants for him to insert the needles in my tummy and he unbottoned my pants and zipped my pants all the way down. Um so low that my pubs were exposed, correct me if I am wrong an accupuncturist isn't a real doctor. Plus even my own doctor tells me to unzip my pants he doesn't just do it himself. The entire experience just seems to be really seedy. He swears a lot and talks about his personal life like we are old pals. Before each appointment we meet in his office and I feel like I am at a bar being hit on. Seriously it is just weird. The thing is, he is reasonably priced and I really want accupuncture on the day of the transfer. Plus, I don't think at this point I could find anyone else to come to my clinic with this short notice. Trust me if this cycle doesn't work I will not be using him next cycle.
Anyways I have been trying to be positive which is kind of a struggle for me because I am a realist, knowing the statistics of getting preggo on your first round of IVF I just don't want to get let down.
So to keep positive and to have fun with this process today I compiled a list of possible baby names. Actually I don't even know if I like half of them but it was fun to do. So here they are:
Boys Names
Aiden,Bennett,Baxter,Emerson,Grayden,Hayden,Holden,Jackson,Oliver,Payton,
Paxton,Phoeix,Preston,Tate,William,Xavier
Girls Names
Scarlett,Savannah,Addyson,Lennox,Farrah,Quinn,Aubrey,Avery,Bryony,Charlize,Chloe
Zoe,Delaney,Laney,Laine,Grace,Harlow,Hazel,Layla,Lola,Maeve,Maya,Carly,Mia,
Caprice,Sadie
On another note I think my accupuncturist might be a pervert. No seriously the first time we met he was way too casual and I am 100% sure I caught him looking at my boobs. This is bizarre because I barely have any but I did catch him with locked eyes on my little beauties. Then yesterday I had lovered my pants for him to insert the needles in my tummy and he unbottoned my pants and zipped my pants all the way down. Um so low that my pubs were exposed, correct me if I am wrong an accupuncturist isn't a real doctor. Plus even my own doctor tells me to unzip my pants he doesn't just do it himself. The entire experience just seems to be really seedy. He swears a lot and talks about his personal life like we are old pals. Before each appointment we meet in his office and I feel like I am at a bar being hit on. Seriously it is just weird. The thing is, he is reasonably priced and I really want accupuncture on the day of the transfer. Plus, I don't think at this point I could find anyone else to come to my clinic with this short notice. Trust me if this cycle doesn't work I will not be using him next cycle.
Anyways I have been trying to be positive which is kind of a struggle for me because I am a realist, knowing the statistics of getting preggo on your first round of IVF I just don't want to get let down.
So to keep positive and to have fun with this process today I compiled a list of possible baby names. Actually I don't even know if I like half of them but it was fun to do. So here they are:
Boys Names
Aiden,Bennett,Baxter,Emerson,Grayden,Hayden,Holden,Jackson,Oliver,Payton,
Paxton,Phoeix,Preston,Tate,William,Xavier
Girls Names
Scarlett,Savannah,Addyson,Lennox,Farrah,Quinn,Aubrey,Avery,Bryony,Charlize,Chloe
Zoe,Delaney,Laney,Laine,Grace,Harlow,Hazel,Layla,Lola,Maeve,Maya,Carly,Mia,
Caprice,Sadie
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