Well, Friday is the last days with my class and then school is out for the kids. It is bitter-sweet because I love my class this year. I am happy that they are moving on and growing up but the year went so fast. Plus I am not sure I am completely looking forward to the summer (this is crazy talk for a teacher). This is the first summer ever that I wasn't full of excitment for the summer to begin, but I am worried I will become more depressed. I am so worried that I will become even more isolated and withdrawn from life. When I am at school I am fully engaged and in the moment. I have meaningful interactions with the kids and my job feels rewarding, but when I walk out of the school I shut down. All I think about is my empty womb and my failure to become a mother,it consumes my every thought! My boss mentioned that there might be a summer school position for me if I am interested and I think this might be the answer. Although I would love to relax all summer I assume that with this overactive mind I will not be able to relax anyways. However, my mother in law bought a trailer (how white trash of us) in cottage country to use for the summer and I would love to spend lot of time up north getting some fresh air. Maybe I should just enjoy the summer, drink some wine and read lots of great books. It's a tough call!
I called the fertility clinic because I was supposed to make an appointment to arrange our next plan of attack and they said to call back in a month because they are booked up for June and July. I hate to complain about our health care in Canada because hubby and I haven't paid for anything yet in our journey to conceive but the waits are frustrating!
You've paid with your taxes! You have every right to be frustrated. Hope you can get in soon.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down and consumed by your failure to become a mom. I think the problem is that you're letting infertility define who you are as a person, and with everyday that you're unable to conceive, you're letting that drown the unique and beautiful person that you are. You're fading away. Somewhere buried in all that despair is YOU. You have to find who you are again and celebrate that! I think it would be nice for you to take a break and do the things you'd enjoy during summer and find joy again in the simple things in life. Find yourself and what makes you special because you need this - You won't only be giving your child life, but the gift of who you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't give up on your hopes to become a mom. Some of us face a lot more obstacles than others to get there, but it doesn't mean we can't. There are many women like you and I still fighting, and many more will come after us. So hang in there. Don't forget to enjoy your life while you're on this journey. Life doesn't have to be a big void till you become a mom. Live life to the fullest and don't have any regrets when you look back on the time gone past. We can never have that time back again. Luv, Zengirl