Growing!

The Boys are growing way too fast.  I am loving every second with them and wishing I could press pause. I want to enjoy every diaper, tear and smile.  I love being a mom and it makes all of those difficult years worth it.  Thank god for my sister, science and an open minded husband.  I feel so lucky to be me right now.  I hope everyone else out there gets there BFP soon, you all deserve this.                                              

Not Pretty

Things have shifted, as to be expected, in our house and obviously I am my last priority. I don't really care if I am in my pajamas at the end of the day or even if I shower every day. I am in dire need of a hair cut, a hair dye, and a tread mill but I don't care. I might be the only mother of twins who is doing anything she can to pack on the pounds. I assume most women are so busy that they loose pounds in the months after child birth.  I know most of you are thinking, cut yourself some slack. Trust me  I have been cutting myself way too much slack, and pie, and cake....haha.  My time with my boys is the most important and I am the happiest I have ever been.
The only "problem"  is my weight is out of control. Before you roll your eyes, let me clarify that my actual weight isn't the problem it's the fact that I am gaining weight and quickly.  Most moms complain that they don't have time to eat during the day, well this is true. However, and this is a big, even though I don't have time to make a proper meal I eat constantly. I literally ate three chocolate bars today....I know disgusting.... at that was just breakfast The worst part is I don't even like chocolate bars, they were just available so I ate them. I feel like I haven't seen a piece of fruit or a vegetable in two months (maybe because I haven't). I have actually gained weight since giving birth. Unexpectedly after giving birth I lost weight pretty fast, actually surprisingly fast. At my last weigh in before giving birth I was 205 glorious pounds. I know gasp,  I gained 65 during the pregnancy!!!!! Then by 4 weeks after giving birth I was only up three pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight (keep in mind I had gained 15 pounds the previous year or two from emotinal eating during my failed IVF rounds). During my pregnancy I watched every bite I ate because of the gestational diabetes so this probably helped maintain my weight.  I have a feeling a lot of my weight was babies (more than 13 ounds worth, water, fluid, and placentas). Anyways, I was down to 143 pounds after just 4 weeks with absolutely no effort. HOWEVER, equally as surprising is my ability to have packed on the pounds in the the past  3 weeks. I stepped on the scale today and I am 150 pounds. Trust me this isn't the end of the world, my boys are worth every pound and so many more. It's just that it has nothing to do with my boys. I have been eating pure junk all the time (ice-cream, donuts, chips, pizza etc.). It is daily and it isn't healthy. I need to control myself. I have no excuse.....or maybe I do. I guess I have two adorable excuses but I don't want to go down this unhealthy path.

 Here I am holding Hudson when he was 6 weeks old

 Here I am about 3 weeks before giving birth.  Yes I got bigger. My face was so swollen!!

 I was only 27 weeks pregnant here. I thought I was going to burst but I had a lot of growing still to do.

 Here I am in the hospital the day before my c-section. Everyone says I don't look that huge but my shirt is begging to be free.  I could barely stand for more than 5 mins.

Here I am four weeks after giving birth.

Two Months Old

I can't believe the boys are 2 months old already.  Time is flying by and we are enjoying every minute. I feel so grateful to have these two awesome boys in my life.  I can't stop starring at them and have to pinch myself and remind myself that this is really my life. I crossed a train track today and realized that I had nothing left to wish for.  Everything I ever wanted was sitting in the car with me. 
My only complaint so far regarding motherhood is that it is going by way too fast. I wish I could stay in this moment forever.  I keep closing my eyes and telling myself to rememeber every smell, sound and feeling because I want to remember every detail.
Things are moving along and changing so quickly.  The boys look different on a daily basis.  Fynn used to seem so much smaller than Hudson but he seems to be catching up quickly.  Sometimes when I look quickly I can confuse them from a distance because they both have cute chubby cheeks. It's hard to believe that we ever worried about them eating.  It seems like all they do is eat.  Just 2 short months ago we had to use various feeding techniques in an attempt to get the boys to eat between 50-60ml of formula/breast milk. Now we are constantly feeding the boys and they are eating more than 160mls per feeding. I guess it is just a quick glimpse at what it might be like when we have 2 teen aged boys eating us out of house and home.
The boys still seem to have very different personalities.  They are both excellent babies who only seem to cry when they need something (knock on wood).  Hudson seems to be a bit more chilled and relaxed in general and Fynn seems to be  the more serious and observant baby.  Hudson wakes up slowly and stretches and looks around while  Fynn  is a man who seems to know what he wants and isn't affraid to ask for it.....haha.  I am happy that they appear to very different and I can't wait to see their personalities continue to reveal themselves to us.

My Boys

Things have been awesome with us, the boys are happy and healthy and growing way too quickly.  Life has taken on a much faster pace and we are barely keeping up but loving every minute of it. Lucky for me Hubby is incredible and completely hands on. My hat goes off to any single mothers or to any parents that have multiples after already having kids. 
I finally have a computer and can start commenting on the blogs I have been following.  For a while I was using G's ipad and couldn't figure out how to comment although I was following everyones progress. 
Here are some pictures of the boys.  Time is flying and they are now 2 months old!!

 Hudson having a bath in the kitchen sink

 Hudson posing with his bunny friend

 Hudson looking cross eyed...haha

 Fynn sleeping in the ridiculous hat mommy made him wear

 Fynn swimming in his jeans

 Hudson waving hello

 Fynn chilling with his animals

 Fynn being serious like he usually is.  Poor guy has some baby acne and loves to flare his little nostrils.

 Another serious face on Mr. Fynn

 Fynn almost smiling.  We have only seen him smile once.

Funny faces from Hudson after his bath

Dreams do come True!

The past two weeks have flown by and have been better than I could have ever imagined. My boys were born February 17 and I can't believe I am finally a mommy. It is just starting to sink in and it is the best feeling ever. These babies were meant to be mine and are totally worth the wait. If only I had, had a crystal ball during our infertility battle so I could have seen this day coming. Throughout my pregnancy I never allowed myself to induge in visualizing what it would be llike to hold and meet our babies. I just couldn't handle any more heart break so I had a wall up. Now that they are here I have to pinch myself every day because every minute I love these boys more.
The arrival of the babies was earlier than anticipated as my preeclampsia symptoms came back and the doctor thought it was safer to get the boys out at 35 weeks instead of risking my health. I had a lot of guilt about my body failing me, and more importantly my boys, but everything seems to have worked out. The boys had to spend 2 weeks in the NICU because they were having some problems eating but are home now and seem to be thriving. Nobody wants their babies in the NICU but the boys were well taken care of and have come a long way in 2 weeks.
I wish I could have held out longer and I hope I didn't cause them any pain or serios discomfort. I ended up having a c section because I was never able to dilate even after having the gel placed in my cervix. The boys were both a good size, especially considering they were over a month early. Fynn William was born first and weighed 6 pounds even and Hudson David came a minute later weighing in at a hefty 7 pounds 3 ounces. They are both perfect but look nothing alike. Fynn has a narrow face and is long and lean, with what appear to be blue eyes and blond hair. Hudson or "the big guy" as we like to call him has adorable chubby cheeks with darker hair and big brown eyes. They also seem to have very different personalities; Hudson is the calm observer, while Fynn seems to be a bit more animated and energetic.
Will post later, I hear some squeaks and it is feeding time.

The Boys Have Arrived

Message from a very proud Auntie Christine:

I'm happy to announce that Kelly & Graham are the proud parents of 2 beautiful baby boys. The boys were born this morning at 10:55 and 10:56. Twin 1 weighed in at 6lbs and Twin 2 weighed in at 7lbs 3oz.

Kelly's blood pressure was creeping up yesterday so they decided to induce her. She spent the night in the delivery room with little progression so the doctor decided she should have a c-section.

She's recovering now and is very anxious to meet her 2 miracles.

It was my birthday yesterday and had my fingers crossed but I'm happy that they will have their own special day all to themselves.

Hopefully Kelly will be able to fill you all in soon.

Thanks for all your love and support.
Christine

Update

Well, I have to admit that I have been struggling with the idea of blogging and have avoided it. I haven't blogged in a very long time because I don't know what to say. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and finding pregnancy very diifficult. I have a lot of guilt about not loving every second of pregnancy and I certainly don't think an infertility blog is the place to complain about anything pregnancy related. I can't wait to be a mom but for some reason even at 33 weeks pregnant I never allow myself to "relax" and believe I will actually be a mommy soon.
Women keep telling me to enjoy every second of pregnancy because I will miss it. I feel ungrateful and I don't want to give people the wrong idea. I want these babies so badly it hurts and any pain and discomfort is worth it. I just never really anticipated being so uncomfortable. I actually never thought about anything past the illusive 2 pink lines. At first the pregnancy symptoms were so exciting and I welcomed any body changes, now the idea of having my body back is sublime.
I am disappointed in myself and here is a list of the ways I feel like I have failed at pregnancy so far:
1. I went off work early at just 31 weeks *there seem to be so many other bloggers expecting twins who worked much longer than I made it
2. I have gained way too much weight *50+ pounds and counting (13 pounds in 10 days during the preeclampsia scare)
3. I have gestational diabetes and am unable to control it with diet
4. I am on bed rest after being hospitalised for preeclampsia *turned out to be cholestasis
5. I am useless *unable to cook, clean or get things ready for the babies
6. I am disgusting to look at *my legs look like what Cathy Bates did to the author in the movie "misery", I itch like an insane person, my personal hygiene is lacking, and I don't fit into ANY pants so I am constantly in moo moos
7. At times I wished the babies would be here already *this made me feel incredibly guilty less than 2 weeks ago when they told me at the hospital to get ready to have the babies within 48 hours and I was picturing my boys in the NICU
Please don't judge me for my feelings, I know I sound so ungrateful! I don't want to be this person. I hope this doesn't indicate what kind of mother I will be. I want to be stronger and positive. I hope my babies know how much I want them.
In the meantime I have been reading and following everyones journeys and I am sorry if I haven't commented or given the support you all need and deserve.