San Franscico

Having fun, but it is freezing here. Just got an email from a really good friend (bridesmaid in my wedding). She is 7 weeks pregnant. I locked myself in the hotel bathroom and cried because I don't want hubby to know how weak I am. I feel like a big failure! It was nice of her to send me the warning email but it still feels weird that I am so pathetic that I need a warning email. Trying to stop thinking about my barren uterus. I have done such a great job avoiding these thoughts on this vacation so far. WHY DID I CHECK MY EMAIL!!!!!
I pathetically thought I was spotting yesterday, thoughts of implantation bleeding danced through my head. As if I would get pregnant during a non medicated cycle....haha. I am a nut case!

Having Fun

Well our trip is going well and as to be expected it has had some ups and downs. The major down in the weather. What happened to sunny California? We always seem to take trips when news breaking weather occurs. We have experienced lots of road closures due to flooding and landslides. My heart goes out to all of the people who have damaged homes and buisnesses due to the high volume of rain. Today is the first sunny day we have had all week and it is about time. We are in Vegas and I love this city. Tonight we are going to see the cirq show "love" and we are hitting a prime rib/seafood buffet. I am just in our hotel taking a nap while hubby stakes out the hot black jack tables for tonight.
I am not sure where my fertility journey is going to take me but I feel like my quest to get pregnant is pushed to the back of my head for the first time in 3 years. The only thing that seems to pop into my head occasionally is a fear that there is something wrong with my uterus. I continue to have pain in my cervix and I just hate the idea that we had two "perfect" embryos and they didn't manage to stick. Maybe that is my problem. What is my uterus just can't hold on to an embryo.
Anyways, Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas! Hopefully I will have renewed strength and the ability to continue on the rollercoaster of infertility.

In the Airport

We are in the airport waiting for our 6pm flight. It is freezing but we will be out of here in less than an hour. I am surrounded by happy families and a lot of new born infants. Trying to put a smile on my face!!!!
On a happy note Ashley from Calmly Chaotic got a positive Beta today and it is her birthday. Please drop by her blog and congratulate her!

Why do I have to keep taking progesterone

I am having the heaviest period of my life so why on earth would I have to keep taking the progesterone until Friday. Please tell me that you ladies would stop too because it seems ridiculous. Give me some dignity and let me move on in this process!

I have my period

Full on Red Blood. No questions to be asked it is full flow and full red blood!
I am devestated!

Talked to my RE (fertility clinic)

So I have nothing really to report. She said it could either be my period or left over implantation bleeding....um no kidding! She said that my "low grade" fever is nothing to worry about unless it gets worse. That the cramps sound like it could in fact be my period but they wouldn't know until Monday. She kept calling my bleeding spotting, which annoyed me because it is so heavy. I am now going to go back to anal supposits in an attempt to stop aggrevating my cervix....good times. My only instructions were that I was to call if the blood becomes red. I am sad to report the the colour of the blood is changing and it is getting darker and seems to be getting more of a red tinge. For the love of god let this be over.

Thanks Ladies

Hi Ladies,
I appreciate the support and I am definitely going to call my fertility clinic today. I was up all night with the worst pains yet. I am now starting to worry something is seriously wrong (like an ectopic). I fully expected to have gushing red blood when I checked my undies this morning but nothing. This is the strangest thing. I just don't know what my body is doing. I am now in class while my kids are busy writing an exam and I am dying to go to the bathroom to check out the situation down there. The cramps are continuing and I find it very hard to think that some serious bleeding hasn't started. I am so tempted to down a bottle of A*LEVE but I am holding myself back. I guess I am still holding out the slightest bit of chance that something positive is going on inside me, although I think that is a pipe dream. I am actually more worried about my sanity and health than a pregnancy.
On a positive note Hubby and I are closer than ever. He is finally fully invested in this and it is taking a toll on him too. He has been physically and emotionally comforting me like never before. He is devasted by the events of the past week and we have been snuggling up together every chance we get. We keep joking that California is going to be our second honeymoon. Let's just say I haven't been in "the mood" lately and it will be great to reconnect and just let the events of the past 6 weeks go. I am starting to wonder if Napa Valley has enough wine because we are going to do some serious damage!
As far as the comments from the family, I know that they were 100% from a place of love and concern. No harm was meant and actually I don't think their comments are what made me cry. I am a nervous wreck and I am crying all day everyday anyways. The strangest thing is that the only thing that made me feel any better at the family functions was being able to hang out with my neices and nephews. Go Figure
Thanks for all your support. Where would I be without my blogging sisters?????