Monday, February 6, 2012

Update

Well, I have to admit that I have been struggling with the idea of blogging and have avoided it. I haven't blogged in a very long time because I don't know what to say. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and finding pregnancy very diifficult. I have a lot of guilt about not loving every second of pregnancy and I certainly don't think an infertility blog is the place to complain about anything pregnancy related. I can't wait to be a mom but for some reason even at 33 weeks pregnant I never allow myself to "relax" and believe I will actually be a mommy soon.
Women keep telling me to enjoy every second of pregnancy because I will miss it. I feel ungrateful and I don't want to give people the wrong idea. I want these babies so badly it hurts and any pain and discomfort is worth it. I just never really anticipated being so uncomfortable. I actually never thought about anything past the illusive 2 pink lines. At first the pregnancy symptoms were so exciting and I welcomed any body changes, now the idea of having my body back is sublime.
I am disappointed in myself and here is a list of the ways I feel like I have failed at pregnancy so far:
1. I went off work early at just 31 weeks *there seem to be so many other bloggers expecting twins who worked much longer than I made it
2. I have gained way too much weight *50+ pounds and counting (13 pounds in 10 days during the preeclampsia scare)
3. I have gestational diabetes and am unable to control it with diet
4. I am on bed rest after being hospitalised for preeclampsia *turned out to be cholestasis
5. I am useless *unable to cook, clean or get things ready for the babies
6. I am disgusting to look at *my legs look like what Cathy Bates did to the author in the movie "misery", I itch like an insane person, my personal hygiene is lacking, and I don't fit into ANY pants so I am constantly in moo moos
7. At times I wished the babies would be here already *this made me feel incredibly guilty less than 2 weeks ago when they told me at the hospital to get ready to have the babies within 48 hours and I was picturing my boys in the NICU
Please don't judge me for my feelings, I know I sound so ungrateful! I don't want to be this person. I hope this doesn't indicate what kind of mother I will be. I want to be stronger and positive. I hope my babies know how much I want them.
In the meantime I have been reading and following everyones journeys and I am sorry if I haven't commented or given the support you all need and deserve.

13 comments:

  1. Don't worry about being judged. Pregnancy is HARD!! We spent so much time trying to get here that it makes it even harder on us because we feel like we have to love it. We don't. What I have been telling people is that I love that I am pregnant, but I don't love being pregnant. I can't imagine how much harder it would be with twins! You are doing what you need to do for you kiddos. Don't worry about how long other twin moms worked. Each pregnancy is different!! It sounds like you are doing great with what you have been dealt.

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  2. Oh my gosh! It's so great to hear fom you! Please, please don't feel guilty about not liking pregnancy. It sounds like you've had a rough time and you so don't need to compare yourself to anyone else. Just do what you need to do to get yourself through it. For me that meant a lot of soft serve ice cream! I look back on my pregnancy now with some nostalgia, but I havent completely forgotten how much I complained to my husband during my pregnancy about any number of things and feeling bad for doing so. But really? It was hard and scary and it was how I felt. Those babies will be here so soon! Hang in there!

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  3. I could have written this post... well minus the pre-eclampsia, luckily they haven't dx me with that yet! I think Lissie hit the nail on the head when she said that we feel obligated to love every second of pregnancy because we worked so hard to get here. The truth is we aren't obligated to love anything and pregnancy is damn hard. I think I pulled the wool over my eyes because all I ever thought about was how great pregnancy was going to be, I ignored all the hard stuff.

    For the record I think its amazing that you made it 31 weeks working while carrying twins, also that they're still cooking away at 33 weeks. Be proud of your accomplishments girl! And try and remember that this is your blog and you can bitch about pregnancy here, even if it seems insensitive, its how you're feeling and this is your blog!

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  4. So good to hear from you.

    Yes, pregnancy is hard. Pregnancy with twins, GD, and more must be really, really hard. Do keep us updated and take good care of yourself.

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  5. 1. I went off work early at just 31 weeks *there seem to be so many other bloggers expecting twins who worked much longer than I made it - I went off at 17 WEEKS ... no that's not a typo.
    2. I have gained way too much weight *50+ pounds and counting (13 pounds in 10 days during the preeclampsia scare) - I gained over 57 POUNDS, yeah not a typo and guess what, my girls are 6 months today and I weigh what I weigh when I was doing IVF. It will come off I promise you. + I had severe pre e in the hospital and had to have the mercury drip for 24 hours after the babies were born. Not so bad really.
    3. I have gestational diabetes and am unable to control it with diet - okay you've got me there but this too will end eventually and it's okay to feel like shit because of it.
    4. I am on bed rest after being hospitalised for preeclampsia *turned out to be cholestasis - I wasn't allowed to do much the last 3 months, I laid outside on a mat like a beached whale and would have people bring me milkshakes and mcdonalds.
    5. I am useless *unable to cook, clean or get things ready for the babies - see #4
    6. I am disgusting to look at *my legs look like what Cathy Bates did to the author in the movie "misery", I itch like an insane person, my personal hygiene is lacking, and I don't fit into ANY pants so I am constantly in moo moos - see #4, milkshakes + mcdonalds = grosseness
    7. At times I wished the babies would be here already *this made me feel incredibly guilty less than 2 weeks ago when they told me at the hospital to get ready to have the babies within 48 hours and I was picturing my boys in the NICU - it's hard I know but it's better for everyone for them to stay put.When they are here you will forget about all of this misery and you will likely want to freeze time.

    so you are completely normal. being pregnant with twins is hard and it's okay and normal to complain so don't be so hard on yourself.

    ps 33 weeks is awesome, you can make it to 37, i know you can!

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  6. OMG!!! I'm so excited to hear from you.....and no need to apologize!!! enjoy whatever you want, complain about whatever you want. This is your blog, your venting place. Those that will "feel offended should read other blogs, and those that are just so happy for you would just keep on supporting you no matter what!!! Please keep us updated no matter what!!!

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  7. It's SOOO good to hear from you. I've missed you. I'm sorry you are feeling down and guilty. I hope you can find some peace and let those feelings go. You are doing the best you can and that's all you can ask. Pregnancy is hard on one's body and a twin pregnancy is even harder. I'm so happy that those babies are still inside you and you are going to get to meet them soon. Know that you can email me ANY time to bitch or worry or fret or be happy. We're all here for you. Big hugs.

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  8. I was so worried about you! So glad to hear from you. So sorry that you're having such a rough time:( I have GD too, but it hasn't been too bad. Every pregnancy is different...we are almost there and will meet our boys very soon! Chin up and hang in there!

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  9. You deserve to say exactly how you feel! I am 25 weeks with twins, 45 years old and working way too much....twin pregnancy is so hard - very different than a singleton! You hang in there and know lots of us are rooting for you and excited to hear the good and the bad from you!

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  10. Hi i’m Heather! I have a question for you! Please email me :)
    HeatherVonSJ[at]gmail[dot]com

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  11. Oh it's good to hear from you! I can't believe you're 33 weeks already, that's rockstar status! We made it to 35w2d and I felt great about that, you should be very proud of yourself. I know it's been a rough road, believe me, I understand. Cholestasis was the WORST and I absolutely hated it...it consumed my life for those several weeks. I hope they've got you on the drugs and that they start to work soon.

    I'm sorry that you aren't able to get up and do stuff, but please don't get down on yourself for the way you look or your hygeine or any of that. It's not worth it, you've got much bigger fish to fry growing those babies! That's a TOUGH job, lady. You're doing absolutely everything right, it's so painfully obvious that you're a good mom already. Look at how much you're going through for them, and how much you care!

    Focus on keeping them in there as long as possible, even though I know how hard that is. You're almost there. At 35 weeks we didn't have any NICU time, but some of the "late pre-term" stuff would have been really nice to avoid if I could have made it a bit longer (but they came when they were ready and when my body was ready and that's how it was supposed to be!!!)

    Please let me know if you want to talk about anything. Just know that we're thinking of you, we know you're working your ass off, and we feel for you. Good lord, if you didn't want those babies out by now I'd think you were f'ing crazy. I was SO done at that point.

    Lots of love, lots of positive thoughts coming your way. You've got quite the journey behind you...and it's only just beginning. The next few months are gonna be so crazy and so exciting- let me know if there's anything you want to talk about once they arrive...there was a steep learning curve for me (I had no baby experience whatsoever) and I wish I knew a little more about what was coming. :)

    All my best!!!!!

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  12. Great to hear from you! Pregnancy is not easy, especially with twins. PLEASE don't feel guilty about that!!! Sending you lots of good thoughts. You can do this, I promise!

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