Well, I have to admit that I have been struggling with the idea of blogging and have avoided it. I haven't blogged in a very long time because I don't know what to say. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and finding pregnancy very diifficult. I have a lot of guilt about not loving every second of pregnancy and I certainly don't think an infertility blog is the place to complain about anything pregnancy related. I can't wait to be a mom but for some reason even at 33 weeks pregnant I never allow myself to "relax" and believe I will actually be a mommy soon.
Women keep telling me to enjoy every second of pregnancy because I will miss it. I feel ungrateful and I don't want to give people the wrong idea. I want these babies so badly it hurts and any pain and discomfort is worth it. I just never really anticipated being so uncomfortable. I actually never thought about anything past the illusive 2 pink lines. At first the pregnancy symptoms were so exciting and I welcomed any body changes, now the idea of having my body back is sublime.
I am disappointed in myself and here is a list of the ways I feel like I have failed at pregnancy so far:
1. I went off work early at just 31 weeks *there seem to be so many other bloggers expecting twins who worked much longer than I made it
2. I have gained way too much weight *50+ pounds and counting (13 pounds in 10 days during the preeclampsia scare)
3. I have gestational diabetes and am unable to control it with diet
4. I am on bed rest after being hospitalised for preeclampsia *turned out to be cholestasis
5. I am useless *unable to cook, clean or get things ready for the babies
6. I am disgusting to look at *my legs look like what Cathy Bates did to the author in the movie "misery", I itch like an insane person, my personal hygiene is lacking, and I don't fit into ANY pants so I am constantly in moo moos
7. At times I wished the babies would be here already *this made me feel incredibly guilty less than 2 weeks ago when they told me at the hospital to get ready to have the babies within 48 hours and I was picturing my boys in the NICU
Please don't judge me for my feelings, I know I sound so ungrateful! I don't want to be this person. I hope this doesn't indicate what kind of mother I will be. I want to be stronger and positive. I hope my babies know how much I want them.
In the meantime I have been reading and following everyones journeys and I am sorry if I haven't commented or given the support you all need and deserve.
