Driving Myself Crazy

So I have been telling myself that all of the AF symptoms I have been having mean that I am not going to get my BFP. But now that the signs are getting less and less I am sure that means that I will get a BFN too. It's funny because I hate everything my body is doing but I don't know what I want it to do. Yes it would be nice if I had sore boobs, was vomiting (and not from my ass) and dizzy but I am sure if I had those symptoms I wouldn't believe them either. I have decided (which I never thought I would come to this conclusion) that I will test on Monday morning. I just have to free myself from this torture. I don't have to worry about getting the HCG trigger out of my system because of the fact that I did an egg donor cycle. If it is positive I will know that it is accurate and I will probably drop dead from shock. I will be 9dp3dt so there is a chance I will get a false negative but at least I will have some kind of heads up.
By the way my gas is unbelievable. Everytime I think I am cramping I realize it is just a ripper building up in my tummy. Did anyone who got a BFP have gas so strong that it could knock a small animal over? It is constant and it is gurgling in my stomach at all times.
I am sure it comes to no surprise to anyone who follows me but I have been dr. googling again! I am obsessed with finding somebody....anybody who took Lupron (the 28 day shot) because I want to hear when they got their period, or their pregancy signs.

Begging for Sanity!

Still PMSing

So I am still cramping, especially in my ovaries (which seems odd because I didn't stim) but also in my uterus. My stomach is less upset (no more explosive diarrhea) although I am still having very regular visits to the bathroom (Sorry TMI). My mouth is still seriously dry and I am so bloated I can't even button my pants. I can't imagine that this can be pregnancy symptoms but I am trying to keep some tiny bit of hope in my heart. I also don't have an appetite at all (just like right before my period because I am too bloated to eat anything). I know that most pregant women can't stop eating in very early pregnancy. Plus my boobs don't hurt at all, no change in fullness, no twitching nipple, absolutlely nothing. Another thing that is worrying me is that I seem to have more energy today than I have had in a long time. Today is the first day that I woke up without struggle and had a bit of a bounce in my step. This seems weird because if my body is really working to create life wouldn't I be exhausted?
On a final note, I am terrified to go to the bathroom. I just know that when I look down I will see blood and my heart can't handle it. Rationally I know I can't have my period yet because I had my last lupron shot on June 16 (the dosage they give me lasts at least 28 days). This means it can't come until at least next Thursday but who knows. Remember, people told me last time that I couldn't get my period while on Progesterone suppositories and I started mine 6dp3dt. By the way don't you think it is ironic that my PMS symptoms started literally a week before I am supposed to get my period (according to my progesterone shot) and they are exactly the same as my regular PMS symptoms?
I know what anyone reading this is saying "Stop Analyzing Symptoms!" but that just isn't possible. Other people might have more will power than me but I am just weak!

Pissed! (This is a very angry post, avoid reading if possible)

You know what, I am pissed off. I feel like we have paid our dues ($27,975 in hard earned cash and more than that in tears), we've been patient (over 3 years of our lives), and maximized our chances (we have done 3 cycles in 12 months including an egg donor cycle). This is bull shit and I am fucking sick of this life. My life is completely consumed with trying to conceive and for what?? Nothing makes a flipping difference and we have had nothing but heart break. It is so unfair it makes me want to spit. Why the hell can't it be our time? Why not me?
I GIVE UP! Obviously I am not meant to conceive and I am sick of banging my head against the same freakin cement wall.
I know everyone wants me to be positive and hopeful but you know what, I don't want to. It isn't fair, enough is enough, and I can't hold it in any longer. IVF is bullshit. We spend all of this money thinking it will be the answer and you know what, the odds are stacked against us. It is like a lottery and I never buy the winning ticket. Then everyone tells me to hang in their because my number will be called. Guess what, it never is!!! Let's be honest and cut the crap. I have back cramps so strong they could cripple a child, my cramps are so painful I am keeled over, and I am literally vomiting out of my ass. This is not normal and can't be chalked up to "implantation" cramping. This is identical to the period I have every month as a sufferer of Stage 4 endometriosis. It is not the feeling of two time embryos implanting in my lining. My period is the one constant thing in my infertile life, and the only thing holding it off is my last lupron shot and the progesterone suppositories I am jamming up my ass.
I am sorry for the rant but it is what is in my heart right now and I had to get it out. I know everyone means well when they tell me to be hopeful and not to give up. I do appreciate that you all can stay optimistic because obviously I can't muster up those feelings. Thank you for your continuing support and I already feel a bit embarassed by this post.

Getting my period??

I am now terrified that my period is coming. I know people are going to say that it isn't possible on progesterone but I know it is (it happened IVF#1). People are going to say that the symptoms and pregancy are the same as getting your period (I have endo so I don't buy into that). This is the exact day in my first failed IVF cycle that I had my period symptoms and by day 6 (after the transfer) I had my full flow period. I know I have to be hopeful and ignore the dry mouth, sore back, explosive diarrhea, inability to funtction and get out of bed but it is difficult to ignore what happened last time. Especially because it is the exact same day that I felt the exact same symptoms as my previous IVF cycle.
I will do my best to keep my chin up and to move forward with "positive" thoughts. Please god let this just be a coincidence!

Houston We Have Cramping (I think)

Okay, I truly believe that you can make yourself feel anything! I feel like I have cramps but I am not entirely sure. Plus they are in the wrong place (in my lower to upper abdomen). Also I am having serious gas (sorry TMI) and I feel like that is probably part of the cramping. However, when I sneeze or toot I feel it in the uterus area (or close enough). A little disclaimer though I have been a total couch potato and I am literally morphing into the couch. I have been laid out on the couch since Saturday and I am wondering if I am just feeling my tummy because of my laziness (is that possible) because I haven't been using my ab muscles at all. I finally left the house tonight and the best way I can describe the way my uterus (I can't be sure it is my uterus but let's go there) is feeling is that it feels like I did a few too many sit ups and I am feeling a bit sore. I don't have the fluttering people talk about (unless you count gas) it is more of a constant dull ache. I have endometriosis so it is nothing compared to my period cramps. Now here comes the crazy part of the post, although I asked for the cramps I now want them to stop. First of all they aren't really the cramps I wanted and secondly now I am affraid they will get worse and will turn out to be my period. Finally, I have made another conclusion and that is that the cramps aren't implantation cramps they are just progesterone cramps (although I have been taking the suppositories for a week and this is my first day of cramping).
Any suggestions on how to get rid of this gas? Hubby says if I get off the couch I can walk the gas out. It make sense but I am in bit of a funck and can't seem to get myself motivated to leave the house.
Another day down only 10 days to go before my Beta!

Begging for a Sign!

I am obssesed with feeling some cramps. It can even be a mild cramp but it has to be in my uterus. Anything to indicate that something is going on in my uterus. Please, please, please let something happen!!! An hour ago I was over the moon because I felt a rumble in my tummy, unfortunately it turned out to be gas so the excitement was short lived. I think I am slowly going crazy!!!
Oh yeah, spotting would be a bonus!!!
PS I have a dirty little secret to admit. I bought into the pineapple core theory. Okay, realistically I know it doesn't make sense but hey if eating the core of a pineapple gives me even a 1% chance of implantation I will take it...haha